Monday, December 24, 2012

Week 45: 3 wishes

3 Wishes.. hmm..

I know the obviously answer is something that would change my life. Whether it just be for me to accept myself and be okay with that, or to have lots and lots of money:) haha.. But that's not the case.

My first wish:

We'll start from the top. And it'll go for my oldest Brayden. Maybe because I was a single mother working 3 part time jobs and going to college full time that there's just something between him and I that could probably never be replaced. At least on my side.. but I wish that he will continue to push himself in a direction that will give him the credit he deserves. He'll see how wonderful of a person he truly is. How to look into others and be aware of how he treats one another and hold strong to what he believes in. To know how hard it is to take back words and apologize for lies told. So always take the high road and be a man of integrity. That as long as he tries that is good enough by me and really that's all that truly matters haha

Second will go to Kyler. I hope that he embracing this compasionate side that he has. That he will learn that this is something to be proud of and practically every woman would love:) That he doesn't hesitate on how smart he really is and he knows that no matter what he has a strong unit standing behind him to help him in every which way possible to further his dreams. To never give up on his dreams! To believe in himself. For him to not get discouraged with failure, but to realize that he might need to just put that much more into it for it to happen. And it's okay to try again to get it.

Third wish goes to Zaelur. First and foremost.. that he learns that he doesn't need to scream to talk or laugh and that everyone can hear him. Good lord! But I hope that he sees in himself the fun smilie child that he is. How he wants to be a giver and make people happy because it makes him happy. BUT.. to understand that others could take advantage over it and be cautious at the same time. To take his own way and direction and not follow others, but be a leader at times to show the difference in ways can be. For him to know that he is a fighter and he can survive the most difficult times. To continue to love Jesus and going to church (really not sure where he got that from but proud that he loves going to church). To just continue to love.

A combination for all of them. To know that thru thick and thin, Family will always be there! Whether we are here physically or just memories but to know that there is always someone cheering them on. Know that they might fight and argue, but know that they are brothers and brothers they will always be. Take that and run with it. There is no one that can replace the other and be proud that they are who they are. Be kind to one another, yet hit the other on top of the head when misbehaving. Teach and learn with one another to be the men that I know you can be.

Will always love you and I hope you all the most happiness that life can bring you. Know that it's not always a basket of roses, sometimes you might get stung by a bee, but doesn't mean you should stop smelling them because of the one bad moment. Love love love you all!!

Week 44: What is your favorite time of the holidays

No brainer for me, only problem is that I don't see it much anymore. But here are the times that we're my favorite.

Growin up in a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister, it was like there was always something fun to do. Whether it was going sledding, play fox and the hen, or just making snow angels. To decorating the tree, playing games and eating lots and lots of cookies:P (that's my ultimate favorite haha).

So, when we all added our spouses to the mix, and the grandchildren, it just became more fun. To sit and have the kids run around inside and out, constantly having to watch the cookies before it was too late and the 2 yr old took off with 10 hah. But we just loved playing games, watching movies, or oh another all time favorite is playing Mario Kart in the Foley household.

There were those holidays tho that something would happen and someone would be in a fight. I only did it once because my son was sick and my older brother decided to comment on him crying and I just about .. no I did go off on him. My dad told him to get out.. oops.. he didn't and things were fine. He later apologized, after he had his own children and got to experience it on his own time.

But my family is what makes me the happiest, it's what makes me light up inside and feel good. Unfortunately ever since we moved, things have been different. Obviously can't go home as much, and Tom's side of the family. Well to say the least, they suck! His step father always leaves to go somewhere right after dinner. He doesn't talk much unless you talk to him about something he enjoys which isn't much for me. His sister is a spoiled little bitch that believes everything should be about her. His brother, now he has changed because he recently got married and had a baby. I think he's stepped up to the plate. Only problem is he's upset with us because we don't drive an hr to see him all the time, and in which they NEVER came to see us.. but okay now I'm going off on a tangent. But Tom's mom thought that she could somehow replace my families activities. And that lastest like a whole 5 seconds. Tom's siblings were like what are we doing, and then that was about it.

So unfortunately I miss my family dearly. I can't say I like hearing all the yelling (kids and mom), but I miss the fact that we were all around each other and we're able to laugh and enjoy the time that we had together. Some day I'll be back there again.. hopefully sooner then later:)

Week 43 - Recovery Advice/Encouragment

Advice.. gosh I could so give it, but it's the taking my own advice that I have an issue with:)

The holidays are here for us to share in each others lives. To celebrate family and friendships that we have. Whether they are still with us, or if we just have to use our memories and maybe pictures to enjoy each other.

My advice I guess is look around. Look at the people that are there. Maybe they are not as signifcate in our lives, maybe they just touch it for a moment or sporadically, but they see something in us that for some reason we at times just can't seem to reach. So, let that sink in. Let it be known that there are great things about yourself and these people see them and want you to notice them as well.

My encouragment is to just laugh and smile for a bit. Don't think about anything else except just being you and in that moment. Let yourself sink into that place where your almost up above looking down and just feeling a sigh of relief that at times life isn't that bad.:)

So, enjoy your holidays. You'll make them what you want them to be. And we all deserve the very best in our own little way.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Friday, November 30, 2012

Week 42: Handling/Overcoming frustrating/stressful Times

So here I go and suggest this topic, because I thought I had finally understood how to handle things. Then life hits me with a loop and I really don't know anymore.

Growing up I couldn't ever express myself. Even now it's hard for me to. So when I had things happen I just held it in and try to ignore it. Forget that it ever happened. I put up a pretty good wall. Not saying that people still couldn't hurt me, because they still did. I just tried to make sure that they never saw it.

Lately, I was doing well with things. If it got to me where I felt like it was becoming too much I would just walk away. Go listen to music, or sit in the bathroom because that's like the only place ppl won't bother me:) I stopped with the confrontations and just said whatever it's not worth it right now. I was doing good at picking my battles. (which I hadn't been for sometime).

So here I think I'm doing well. Things are on a positive note looking up. Then I got bad news. Scary news for me anyways. I still don't know what to think. I want to wake up and just find out it was all one HUGE nightmare. I've just been crying a lot and I have to figure out things. I'm just scared and lost and I want to hide under covers for days.

Not sure why I thought I was untouchable or something like that, but I just thought that everything would be okay. And I'm mad like at the world. I'm mad at me. I'm pissed at Tom for butting in my life, when things were just fine and ever since he had to do this to me it's one thing after another. I was really hoping that after what all happened last year and all the hurt that that was my rock bottem and things were going to start getting better. Guess I have a worse year this next year.

Well, maybe after, if everything works out. I'll be able to say how I handled things. Til then I really don't know now. I wish I had the answer because I could really use it right now:)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Week 41: Dream Job

Well lets start off with this. When I graduated high school, I thought I would like to teach. Then getting to college, playing volleyball, getting pregnant:), losing my scholarships.. ya took me in a different direction.

I thought I would like to teach Math for like say anywhere from 4th grade to like sophomores. But then the more I got thinking about it it just didn't feel like something I was truly passionate about Plus too, it just doesn't help listening to my other 2 brothers and sister who teach and having to deal with parents. Mainly because when I was growing up it was either I did it or didn't do it. Had nothing to do with the teacher I knew what was expected and if I didn't get there then it was my responsibility to get there. So I figured teaching wasn't the right direction for me. Mainly because I would put a lot of blame on the parents unless it was something that I truly missed or overlooked and then I would take my responsibility, but for the most part I believe once your getting into high school, even middle school for that part, the parents need to step it up more.. anyways.. hah

I figured just to take my generals and see what road that took me. It didn't take me long. I feel in love with History. It fascinated me. It was defiantly classes that for the rest of college that I would refuse to miss. I bought so many books one different subjects about it. On countries and presidents. I just don't know what it is that I find striking but I do.  So I ended up graduating with a degree in Social Sciences, which if I were to be a teacher :) I could have taught History, Geography, Political Science, Sociology,  Psychology, Economics, and Government.

When I graduated, I wanted to become a social worker. Only problem was I was a single mother of one and in South Dakota they expect you to just go to the other side of the state for weeks and possibly come back or maybe not .. stay there for awhile. I just couldn't do that to my son. Anyways..

I basically have two dream jobs. Possibly even three haha. One when I was graduating was to be a Social Worker. I like to file things and have things in order so I thought I would be good at that. Not so sure if I would be good with the hands on job if it came to that, mainly because the mother instinct would come into play and then.. I'm not so nice. But then working in a museum. Mainly tho the ones that have a lot of history to them .. not saying obviously the ones that have dinosaurs and what not don't, but I just want ones that tell in detail about the heritage of that state or others and what went on during those days.  And I did work at a museum for a while. We got pregnant with my second (his first) but I was also working 40 plus hours waitressing and that job was paying a lot more. So that was the route I needed to take. But really to work in a museum I would just love.

So my 3rd dream job. Kinda doing that one. I always wanted to stay at home with the kids. Being able to help them out with homework and what not. Just to have someone always around. I like it to a point. If I had a babysitter it would be better:) Just so that I could get out every once in awhile without having to drag one or another, but I also figure that day will come soon enough where they will be old enough and won't even want to come along either. It does get difficult running around all across town to get them to one place to another. Not the way I grew up so they I worry. But I do enjoy being home with them and being able to make them meals and us sit down for dinner together. And that they are getting to play in sports or activities that they want to. It does get hard, but I figure in the long run that's all that matters. But I swear when they turn 18 if I don't go on a cruise I'm gonna be pissed LOL:)

Life takes us in all different directions. It's what you do when your handed those cards .. you get to decide. That is what matters.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Week 40: Favorite TV Show

Hmm.. Well I'm going to group TV shows together. My favorite TV shows are those that make me laugh. Something that's light and hilarious and just brings a gloomy day feeling better.

Growing up there was this one show but I can't remember the name. I just know that unfortunately was when my mom braided my hair while it was wet so that it was somewhat curly the next day.. dislike!:) haha. But the thing I liked about it was that the whole family was around watching it and everyone was laughing.

We also watched America's Funniest Videos. I still get a crack out of that! Some of them anyways.. others I just shake my head wondering how it made it on the show and others it's like OW! Those are the ones I can't laugh about.. just doesn't seem right. But I enjoy sitting around with the boys and watching them. They just get such a crack out of it that it's too good. And then it just brings me back to growing up and laughing with my brothers and sister and feeling like in some way I belonged.. if that makes sense:P

So I would have to say right now I love watching the Penguins of Madagascar with the boys. And they will always be like mom you wanna watch, which I like. Makes me feel like they will later in life remember those times and share it with their children and look back and smile.

Obviously now tho my shows have pretty much changed. I like the chase and just the kind of thinking aspect in finding the wrong doer. But I will never give up those shows. I still watch AFV and watch the Penguins with the kids. Their other shows now.. nope heck no!:)

One thing I have to point out is it's funny when they talk about cartoons that were on when I was young and they are amazed that they are still on. Thanks guys.. I know.. got the memo I'm old:)

Well, TV shows, for me they seem to bring my family together at times. That and game boards, but it's nice to sit around and laugh. And I love to see the boys think that I find something funny that they do. Kinda gives them that boost of that they are okay who they are.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Week 39 : Favorite Time of the Day.

This is only complicated because there I guess is a few times during the day that I really enjoy. Most of them are being by myself and just being able to relax and hear peace and calm. And with 3 boys.. that's a difficult thing to have.

So my first favorite time is when I put them to bed. I enjoy saying prayers to them. I feel like I am giving them something more (eventho I had it as well I just feel like I'm caring it on). But then I love to be able to sit down and read or watch TV without the yelling or arguing that children have. It just makes it feel like I can breath.

An another time is waking up in the middle of the night. I hate it so much and enjoy it all at the same time. Everyone else is sleeping and can't bother me that I enjoy it. I can do things around the house or just get on the computer or whatever it is without someone behind me constantly.. and it makes me feel good.

The last time is in the early morning. Mainly because I wake up early in the morning and the boys are awake and I can at least get them to keep it down because I say "it's early in the morning" haha. Other times doesn't work.. so I take full advantage of it!

I for some reason like being in my peaceful alone place, where I'm not constantly being talked to. Guess that's the best way to describe it.

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE laying in my hammock! (altho I do get bothered there) But I love to just lay and relax or look at the sky and just breath.

So I do have a few times of the day that I truly enjoy.. might be weird times but they are my times. Some moments I wished they weren't because I'm tired come morning or day time .. but it is what it is.. 

Friday, September 28, 2012

Week 38: Time

Where my time has gone?? Lord it feels like it came and went in a blink of an eye. I don't seem to know who I am what I want or where I'll be anymore. I honestly feel lost.

I started my so called journey about 2 yrs ago and it's caused me to go in a direction that I really don't like. I try to stay positive and think that you have to hit a rock bottem to be able to move forward, it's just now I don't know how much farther I have to go to hit it.

So this last year has caused me a lot of heartache. I've had many problems. Some are health wise, other finances, and others that I would rather not go into detail about. Pretty much embarrassing and not something I would like to go into detail about.

Basically it put me in this place or this title of a person that I know I am not and it's really hard to know I somehow am like in that category. And I got a lot of blame for something that I feel like I am partially responsible for but not solely.. so that makes it harder to deal with.

Well, so where have the time gone.. I have no idea.. where I am.. I feel stuck and lost and a bit confused on what to do next. Actually that's somewhat wrong. I know what I should probably do but I'm just not so willing to do it. At least not yet.

Okay so, this world is going by faster and faster for me and I feel more and more consumed by it. I'm not really sure how to change that or what to do.. I just keep praying that something will open my eyes and things will change.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Week 37: Most meaningful Gift

My most meaningful gift is not a hard one. God blessed me with 3 wonderful sometime a pain in the butt but I would never change one thing about them. I love them to death!

Brayden is my oldest 11 now. Going to be turning 12 in a few months.. ahh! I got pregnant with him in college and lost my scholarship for volleyball. I tried back out for the team but it was just too much. I couldn't work, go to school, as well as raise him and then on top of that go to practices and work out. Didn't help that I was a single mother either. hah. The only thing I would have probably changed is the fact of his dad:) haha!! But it happened and I would not change that because he is such a great person. And watching him grow I am so proud that I could have brought him into this world .. he's amazing!

Then you have Kyler. He's a tricky one.When he was a baby, he did not love mommy. And I was working around 60 hrs a week so maybe that contributed to it or just maybe he was meant to be a daddy's boy .. who knows. Even now we don't know .. they'll be days that he'll just out of the blue say that he loves me, or that I look nice, or thank you for making me lunch. He gets pissy quite easily, but he's so caring at the same time. He's the one that looks at others and cares so much when he doesn't even know who they are or what they are going thru but just cares. I always tell him to say a prayer for them and you can see him do so. Oh and we recently found out he hates roller coasters.. and he doesn't really like to fly either:)

It is funny to see him with his youngest brother Zaelur. They hate and love each other all at the same time.. guess that's how it's supposed to be anyways right?!

So here's Zaebae as we call him. He's going to hate us eventually for the nickname I'm sure but we used to call him just baby and so the Zaebae came into affect. He was completely unexpected. We were just moving and about 2 weeks before we were to leave South Dakota to come to Nevada I found out I was pregnant. It was just a scare more then anything else and just knowing that you need to get a job while your pregnant .. it was hard but I did finally find one .. thank god! But I did go into labor early and there was complications. I didn't expect it. I mean I just had two healthy babies .. just assumed everything was fine and it turned out obviously okay, but it was a def. scare. He was in the hospital for 10 days and I was running around ragged. Going back and forth to the hospital to feed him or just to see him constantly. But he's good now that's all that matters!!

Zaelur is hilarious tho. He thinks he's the funniest person that ever lived. Which there are definitely times that it's just like what:) and it cracks you up. Other times it's like okay enough is enough just shush. He is very outgoing and adventurous. If anything he helps Kyler try new things. But Kyler teaches him new things when it comes to reading and writing. Brayden just teaches them everything on the whole. Braydens just a lot older that sometimes I wished he wouldn't be teaching them certain things!

 What I love best about them is that I feel like I am letting them be them. They have a quirk about them and obviously as children they love to have fun. They love to fish, to go just wondering thru the rocks and trees when we go camping, they love to run in the rain. And I love letting them just live.

They are my most meaningful anything. I love them!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Week 36: My Gift

So sorry Marnie, I looked at this and thought WTF I HAVE NOTHING!:) lol

When it comes to gifts my first thought is a possession. Some material like idea. I personally don't like materials. That's not what hits home to me anyways.

I thought of the gifts I did give. Christmas or birthdays, giving to a homeless person (which my husband says I do too often and that they probably are not homeless .. oh well)

Rather to me it's the idea of being there for someone for whatever reason.

Well, what I came up with is.. somehow I make ppl laugh. I don't really know how or why at times, but I'll say something or do something and they'll laugh. At first I thought it was out of just being nice to make me feel good, but after awhile now I see that sometimes it's actually genuine. Which is really surprising to me. I don't see what they see, but I love to hear them laugh and think or believe that I made them just a bit more almost like relaxed and feeling good.

My boys love when I say some things and they just crack up.. it's so funny! I feel like I am allowing and letting them know that it is perfectly fine to be exactly who they are and to be proud of themselves for that. I hope that's what they are learning:)

So that is the best I can come up with. I always learned or well was told that you smile at someone it might make their day better. I like to believe when I say hi and smile that in some way it does something to make them feel better.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Week 35: Turing point

Well, I missed last week just with being so involved in things .. so I'm doing both week 34 and 35 today:) My turning point in my life.. hmm.. Honestly I think there's a lot. Like I can't just say one. So, here we go.

 I would have to say the first in which I have explained to many of you is my house exploding with my brother, and parents inside. And the fact that even though it happened at 5 in the morning I still went to school that day. My sister did say something the other day that made me think more tho.. she said that mom probably just didn't know what to do and thought that would be the easiest thing for me is to do what I would have done if nothing happened. And I haven't really ever been mad at my parents for having me go to school, I honestly was more upset with the ppl at the school asking questions about my brother or even then the fact of my house because I didn't have the answers. But it was hard to lose everything and be living in a place that I never felt was my home. Then with that my brother and I grew very close over that time. (just to say I have 4 brothers and 1 sister) anyways..

The next changing point. It was a hard time but the aftermath I had a beautiful baby boy. I had received a scholarship for college to play volleyball and I did play my freshman yr. but that spring during practice I kept blacking out, so I went to the doctors to find out I was pregnant. Which to tell everyone was embarrassing. I didn't tell my parents right away, that's a story all in itself. But I went and lived with my sister that summer, and just to go to church and have ppl look down to see if I was wearing a ring was hard to take. To go back to college that fall and really everyone just thought I was fat at first to find out I was pregnant to say things .. But I need to take what was great about it .. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, I can't even describe how great it was that day. It hurt. I didn't want any meds and it hurt, but I would of never taken that back, the joy that I felt when I had him in my arms is indescribable.

 Another turning point was then meeting my husband and getting married. At this point I don't know really how I feel. I know what I felt then and that was like finally my life is coming together and I get to be a family and raise a family. I will have more children. In which I did .. another 2 boys oh gosh:) And I will say that I think I finally got through to my husband and he realizes what's happening between him and I .. or I should say I hope he realizes, cause that could end up being another turning point hah. But ya, I definitely did not think my life would be where it is right now .. but it is.. so.. okay the last turning point that I can think of.

A bit over a year ago, Tom (my husband) found EDA Chatroom for me, that first day just sitting there over a meeting I didn't hardly say anything and I just sat and cried. It was the first time that I didn't feel alone. That someone actually got what I was thinking in my head. That even though everyone had these different stories, it all made sense in my mind. Now, ppl like my mother do not understand my thoughts, our thoughts. They just don't get it.

 So it was wonderful to me to finally be able to get things out and to feel not judged or stupid for thinking that way. That I was accepted. So I thank all of you for all that you have done. I cherish the support! And just the fact that I can count on you when I need. Thank you:)

Week 34: Calm

There is something about music that is just so wonderful to me. It's like it can get so in depth inside me, it reads me I guess is what I should say. Like if I want to cry I can turn on a song and cry and just pour my soul into the words. If I want to listen to something up beat, I'm dancing like a fool with my kids and just having a great time. And then there's always the hard music and the beats just go inside and it's like pulsating my heart. Some music it's the words. It might only be a phrase but that one sentence pulls me in and it touches my soul in such a way that I can't believe. I've never understood my connection with music, I figure it was because when things happened I turned to my radio. Yes radio because that's how old I was:) And I had tapes that I recorded from the other radio (if any of you remember those radios haha) So well, when I get all over the place, whether it's an argument, frustration about how I feel or was treated, or even just to celebrate. Music is what I have=)

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Week 33: Prized Possession

To be honest. All of the possessions that I have had or received or been rewarded whatever it was how I got them. I could careless about them.

I have a box filled of my medals I got from Basketball, Volleyball, and Track. (also plaques) And awhile ago I wanted to throw them away but Tom said I should keep them. Honestly all they do is bring me back to a life that I no longer live or have. If anything it brings me down because they remind me how I should have been 'more'. How I should have pushed that much harder or done something different. They don't make me feel proud.

I really don't know what my most prized possession would be. Mainly because too that means that I own it. I guess if there's anything that I would consider would be my personality. Not that's it's a great one or anything like that. But it is who I am. And I'm proud to be ME. I'm not right I'm not perfect by any means and I f*ck up a lot. But I am me. I'm true to who I am. And for that I would then say that's my most prized possession. You get what you see and if you don't like it then you can walk away. But it is what it is. I don't try to fool anyone, I just am who I am.

So ya.. that's my most prized possession. Me.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Week 32: My dad

As for an Inspirational person, without it's my dad!

Now can I say that he didn't embarrass me growing up, oh hell ya he did. My parents were the 'old' parents. Everyone else parents were like in the late 30's maybe 40's but mine were pushing 50 and 60. So it was just like they were so old fashion and really annoying.

But my dad .. looking back now I'm amazed by him. He gave me so many aspects of myself that I am proud of that I look at him and just smile. He is a terrible hard worker. And he gets hurt a lot .. and when I say a lot I mean  A LOT! But he always some how gets back up and continues again.

He also just puts himself out there. If you need help it doesn't matter who you are he'll help. My mother yelled at him for helping out certain ppl growing up. Mainly because they wouldn't be able to repay it back, but dad never cared. He'd just let mom go ranting and raving, usually just laugh or giggle but he still would help out those ppl. And that's something I've taken and ran with. Like just getting food for the homeless or giving them some money, and if they are just scamming me (which I do know some ppl do) well I'm doing something that is out of kindness, so fine go ahead and be an ass. I'm doing something that I should do.

My dad tho, he's really remarkable. I don't know how he does it. I've never understood a lot of it. Why he stood by my mom for so long (considering she's just a screaming bitch). How for years he works for 12+ hrs during the summer time. You can not keep that guy down. He'll be turning 79 here in a bit over a week and he broke 7 ribs, scratched his lung, and fractured part of his back, yet the guy is now trying to get like 'back on the horse'. There's nothing that can keep him down.

And he's not like overly emotional, but when he tells me he loves me I know it .. I feel it .. plus too he usually tears up. :)

I wished I was more like him and not so much like my mom. Or at least took on her reactions to things. I wished I would have saw more of how he reacted and been like that. But he was gone a lot working so ..

Well I love my daddy:) What can I say hah

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Week 31: Smile

The reason why I like this is because half the time I feel like I'm just smiling because you just have to smile. And I'll smile when I feel uncomfortable at times. But then there's those moments that you are truly smiling and there's this overwhelming feeling of how peaceful and wonderful things are. 

One thing that makes me smile is my sister. When I see her I want to cry, I miss her a lot and she's a wonderful person that I only wished to have an ounce of who she is. 

My kids make me laugh. They usually make me laugh tho on the one side of like omgosh really this is what I brought into the world!?  haha:) They are pains but they also know how to just have fun with me and just be .. just be. 

Then there's when I'm out in the sun away from everyone and everything. That peace of quite. Like the kids could even be yelling at each other and I can just sit there and smile. There's something about just like being there and not having to worry about this or that. 

That's why I'm so looking forward to Thursday. I've already started packing. Which is probably best because then I won't be freaking out. I usually like to pack early and Tom doesn't like it, but guess what I don't care right now! If it helps me to be okay then that's what I'm going to do. 

The other part of smiling that I like, is that when you smile at someone that you don't know and they actually smile back it's like a nice warmth of maybe it just made their day better, cause I feel good now, so hopefully they do as well. 

So smile away. =) Make someone laugh and just feel it. 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Week 30 : 3 Words

My three words are not very inspirational.

They are :

1. Lost
I decided to give it a break. I feel like if I just go for a bit that Hopefully I can start over with a fresh start. I know to many that sounds like I'm giving up, but really I'm not. I just need to reevaluate my situation. I have so many things that are going on that it's hard to also have my mind concentrate on fighting. And I haven't thought that this isn't Ed speaking, because it probably is. It's just I have my family that comes first and with the fight I feel like I need to put myself first. In which has caused a lot of heartache in my life and my children's. A lot more then what I would want for them. So, that's where I'm going right now.

I do feel like I'm stuck. Not just in my fight obviously with Ed, but just in my life in general. There's a lot that I would go into but I feel like it would hurt someone who I do love and I don't want to go there. I've never understood why you love someone when they hurt you but you still love them. It's a hard thing to let go, specially when you don't know if it would actually work out for the best. I just feel like I can't ever make a choice because I feel like every time I make the wrong choice. And plus too I keep thinking that every relationship that I have. Whether it's my family or friends.. or even just someone off the street.. I'm the common denominator. I'm the one that is involved with the problem, therefore I am the problem. And it's just hard for me to believe it. That's what leads into hopeful. 

3. Hopeful
God I know who I am on the inside. I know my heart. I just can't understand why others can't see it .. I do wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't see anything wrong with crying or getting upset about something that hurts. I don't see anything wrong with it! Others do =/
I don't know how to change that, I do know that I have to be the person that I am and be proud of that person regardless of what others have to say about it. It's just getting to that point. But .. BUT .. :) That's where I know I have that fight in me that I'm not going to give up. I still have that drive in me, and I know how hopeful I am that at some point I get to announce that I'm kicking butt!

So eventho this might not have been very inspirational with happy thoughts:) (sorry) I believe in a blessed outcome.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Week 29: Funny Me=)

I actually take a lot of pride in being a 'dork' .. I really do! Mainly because it makes me smile. I laugh at myself thinking I'm cute doing it that everyone then will laugh as well. Most of the time it doesn't happen but you know there's going to be that 'once in a while' time.

For how many times I mess up.. I really should write a book about it. There's so many it's ridiculous!

Thing is I take Pride in it. I'm okay with my .. well my funny stupid mess ups. Now the ones that I do in anther way I don't like so much. But ya.

SO ..

My first that I remember off hand was when I was 12 (5 days before my bday) .. it was when my house blew up.. ya I know:) But I was in just a long jammy shirt and I had socks on and when I ran I slipped and fell. It was like 5 something in the morning .. and in my town, no one is awake essentially but I have to laugh and look around to make it seem like I totally meant to fall :) It was on purpose so .. Cute hehe.

Another time in high school, my senior year on the basketball floor and we're in a game. There was this wasp (and to this day I have never been stung) but I am on the floor and I really do wish that they had a video because I am just slowly walking away in this circle to try to get away from the damn thing. I did have one girl look at me and asked what are you doing and I'm like there's a frickin wasp and I don't want to be stung and she just started laughing.

I honestly have a lot of embarrassing moments. That I have told myself to play it off. TO act like it wasn't as Big as I might think it was.

One other basketball game we were playing this team and there was a guy from that town that I just like adored. And I was a sophomore starting Varsity so it's like that much more pressure because you should be good if your playing over all these other people. Well I'm going off there haha. I ended up going up for a layup. I mean I stole the ball had a break away and I completely fall .. going up for a layup. Who does that?? Me:) So then I had to smile and laugh about it so that I didn't look like a total fool.

My latest thing was I was getting out of bed and I .. well it's probably hard to describe to actually get the action but I flipped my one leg over to then just basically stand as soon as I got up.. yep that didn't happen. Instead I flipped it to just roll over off the bed into the chair..... And it hurt:)

If there is anything that makes me smile, I like it. No I love it. I like smiling.

Well that's just a bit of my mess ups.. there's lots!:) And for the most part .. I'm okay with it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Week 28 : Where would I have been

Where I would have been without Ed?

Well, I first off wonder how much more I would have pushed myself. In sports, I was good but I settled for what I did. I mean I just kind of think that I could have ran that much hard I could have went up to the gym that many more times. Instead Ed would say oh your fine, I mean your already on Varsity and no one else in your class is. And your starting before Sophomores and Juniors. But now looking back, I should have pushed more. My life could have went into a many different directions.

And then it goes to college, because I did get scholarship. I really didn't even want to talk to any of the scouts because we just lost State Volleyball after playing for 6 hrs (lasted til 1 in the morning) and we lost. I took the responsibility for it. I could have I SHOULD have done something more. But nope Ed kept telling me I'm doing everything that was good enough for it. So scouts are calling and what they are saying are going into one ear and out the other.

So I'm looking at colleges, and for some reason I didn't want to go to those colleges offering full scholarships. Not even the ones offering the 4 yr scholarship with money each semester. I instead want to go to this college that I talked to but they hadn't heard so much about me so I would have to send a video of me playing both basketball and volleyball. And that there was a good chance I would just have to work out and prove myself out at tryouts. This college was about 12 hrs away from where I lived and I was dead set on it. But that didn't happen.

I hated the college I went to. Didn't like playing. The girls were snobby like the whole year to me and it just fueled Ed. I didn't care about going to classes, and then when I was still getting B's and A's some C's.. it just helped Ed do that whole thing of see you don't even need to go to class. So most classes I didn't even attend so not sure how I passed. After 4 yrs I got my Bachelors and then it started all over of where am I going to go. Get the hell out of here.

Met Tom the week of graduation and then we were together since. I'm pretty honest with him so I know he knows this. But there was this one guy I met and we definitely had something, but Ed always just said "Are you Serious" "Have you looked in the mirror" "Your losing your mind" .. so I blew him off.

I know that sounds horrible because Tom and I have been together for 9 yrs.. and it's definitely been bumpy. But when I think about it .. I couldn't have seen anyone else staying next to me to try to get me on a better track and get healthy.

But I figure in a way. I can look back and say 'What If'. That's not going to help me though to move ahead. I can't be happy if I'm looking with my head over my shoulder. I'm going to end up missing what's standing in front of me.

SO Where would I have been? I say right now where I am. I have a husband standing next to me, 3 beautiful boys. A big family that I love. And great friends who at anytime can be there. That's where I am:)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Week 27: Super Poowa=)

Mine would be Protection. Strength. Power. Not the power that people strive to have with money and house and all that .. but the power to teach others and have them actually learn to be kind to one another. To realize that just because who you are doesn't mean someone should try to mold you into something your not.

I would love to have the ability to shut those people that are abusive by their words and actions.. It never fails how many times I come across people that are just so into themselves that they can't see others around them and how they are acting. Specially when it's those types of people that are like it's my way or the highway, yet they are just as screwed up.

Would also like to make ppl think of others. Like when your driving that there are other people on the road. Or if your walking on the street or in the store to move to the side. To say excuse me. (Can't ever stand when I say excuse me and the reply is uh huh.. it's wtf you were in my way and i needed by but you were too concerned about what you were doing.)

But most of all my super power would be to have in the past to of loved who I was. To have seen what I thought I should have known to of been okay with it. But maybe I do have a super power that is slowly growing. Just in the start of it:)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Week 26: Positive about Me

Again what is wrong with me?? Why do I have to pick these two topics and just think that I want to scream because I really don't like em! Ah

It's truly hard to sit back and think the positives of myself and actually be okay thinking of myself like that.

Okay after a day of thinking about this the one positive thing I can say about myself is that if I do let you in. If you somehow break the barrier that I have, your in. Your protect, loved, and I'll do whatever it is that I can for you. I will do more for you then I will for myself. I might not do everything 'right' but I never have the intent to hurt those people.

And I will give you every chance in the world, I won't give up hope that these people meant to hurt me if they had. And there's only a few that are truly apart of this. But I would definitely go down fighting for them in a heartbeat.

I'm not tho pretty much stuck in my thoughts. I want to believe things coming in but at the same time it's difficult. So I'll just end it with this

I do need to learn to be prouder of myself and what I do, and that will come in time I hope anyways. I do have things that I think are positive about me but then I also feel like I'm gloating about it .. or something like that .. so then I don't like it:)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Week 25: Proud

Okay I found this funny and had to start with it.. A PROUD PEACOCK:) Just thought it was kinda cute..

But really Proud that's a hard word to say. Specially about myself. Like as soon as I type it I roll my eyes. Funniest part is that I suggested the topic. (I swear I don't make sense half the time.)

Worst part is I actually have many things that I should or could be proud of. Starting years ago, I mean I was on Varsity in 8th grade for track. End of my freshman yr. I was playing Varsity in basketball and volleyball. I played some piano pieces during our school programs. Then to go further my senior year I was getting contacts from colleges for full scholarships to play volleyball. But I couldn't even think of that.

Reason why.. we lost the state volleyball championship. (And I don't know how his thoughts work their magic but he does a good job.) I couldn't see anything other then I lost it. I LOST IT! I lost it for our team, for my coach, and myself. So, I could careless about scouts calling to get me to their school to play. I at times think it's very vain that I took the responsibility for us losing. You know no I in team, but I couldn't remember anything else during the game except for me messing up at times. How I wasn't fast enough.. didn't do my job. Did after 10 yrs finally buy the video and was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't that bad.. ya know!?


I went to college with a scholarship for volleyball, and then got pregnant:) I tried to play again that following year but decided that to finish college, having to take care of my son, also work, and with volleyball on top.. There just was no room. So for the next few years I worked anywhere from 20 to 40 hrs a week, took care of Brayden.. by myself (well except daycare) and finished with my Bachelors. Looking back I'm surprised how much fight I had in me to raise a baby, work, and go to college. Definitely surprises me.

My other proudest moments are when I teach my children just to let loose. Just be weird and be proud of it. To know that it's alright to be exactly who you are and you don't need to change for anyone.

And too I love how they will hold open doors for others (specially my 4 yr old because it's difficult for him. Funny to watch!) But it's nice to know that I am hopefully giving them the tools to respect another person and realize how to treat another living being.

What I do want tho, I want to look back here .. where I am now, and say I am proud that I made a change for the better. Something that my kids will eventually know about and will be proud of me for it. I have a long hill to run up, and I'm getting there. I'll get there! I might have to run some times, walk other, and crawl on all fours at times. There's just no way that I am going to give up. Might not do it the 'Right' way. (Although I don't believe in a right or wrong.) But I believe and I trust enough in myself that I will do it. =)

Monday, February 27, 2012

Week 24: Overcoming

Wow.. hmm.. I'm trying to think of something. I mean I know there has to be those but I hate repeating all the time:)

Lets see first would have to be the challenge that I had with my family when our house had blown up and we had no where to live and no clothes except for those that we had worn to bed that night. Ended up living in a motel for a month to then move into a trailer house for a year until we could have our other house built and ready to move into. (keeping it brief if you can't tell lol)

The other obstacles where just sport wise. I played in a lot of sports and just pushing myself, even after I broke my ankle but still played.

I know I was a bitch growing up. Mainly because everyone seemed to constantly hurt me or betray me so my best and easiest way was just to hate. I still somewhat do, but I do also see myself taking a transition and basically asking is it worth it?? Sure never feels like it's worth being mad or upset. Specially over certain things.

Now how did I any of it?? Blah.. I have no idea. I don't get how when I was younger I just basically said to myself suck it up and do it. Where as now I can't seem to do that. I know I need to take that leap of faith, just am very scared of it. Not sure why either. But even though I might not be doing a lot.. I'm doing something. It took me almost 18 yrs to get to here, so my baby steps, I'm okay with them. I am tho looking forward to that day I get to say I overcame this. =)

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Week 22: Harboring

I don't know if there is one spot in me that I hid my emotions. I usually feel it all over. I know it's in my mind, I definitely know it's in my heart. I usually just feel it in my upper body. Like my chest and then it'll creep down my arms.

I used to be really good at holding everything in. Not telling people how I really feel. And honestly it's only a few that really get to know how I feel. My biggest problem with always letting people in is then they also think that they have a right to an opinion. Sometimes I don't want an opinion, I would just like you to hear what I am saying. So I usually have harbored my emotions because it has always seemed to back fire on me.

I quickly learned when I was younger that you don't tell others how you feel. That by doing so it's just going to give me hurt and pain. That if I was honest I got told that I was wrong. That it wasn't really how I felt. I didn't know what I was talking about. SO I moved forward with holding everything in all the time.

It didn't matter if I had an actual reason for my feelings or if I was just sad and upset because I was sad and upset. I basically always got told to suck it up. But that smile on your face because you need to pretend to everyone that your really actually happy and everything is perfect.

Yep make everyone think that your life is perfect when inside I am tearing apart. Trying so hard to make it look like everything is Wonderful.

When all I had wanted to scream at everyone and anyone.

However, Over this past like 7 months. Even thought things might not be all that well. I am learning to let feelings out. Mainly because I can't live like this anymore. I'll cry church, I'll cry right in front of anyone. If they have a problem with it, well then it's their problem. I try my best to tell people when I'm upset with them. I definitely do a lot better with Tom and the boys then I have in a long time. Still have work to do, but I feel like I'm at least heading in the direction that I want to with relationships and how to get all this gunk out of me so that I can actually rejoice my life the way I would like too.

I found this site
And there’s parts of it that I wanted to share. If you want to read all of it it’s up to. I know some of you believe in a higher power but not necessarily a God, I do so I just didn’t want to push anything on anyone is all. But here’s some of what I liked.

It is impossible to be bitter and get better at the same time!

How can a hurt or problem make you a better person? God does not bring hurts and wounds upon you, but once they are inflicted upon you, He is able to cause them to benefit you if you will trust Him to do so.
God can make miracles out of mistakes!

“What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living!” (Psalm 27:13 Amp

Recently 1 received a letter from a woman who wrote, “I know God did not cause your abuse, but if you had not been abused, you could not have helped me.” She continued, “Please don’t feel too badly about it, because God is using your pain to set others free.”

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Week 21: What I want to hear

I definitely don't want to hear 'I'm sorry'.

That's not enough anymore. That's a five letter word that doesn't mean shit to me. It actually pisses me off more then anything when I hear it.

I want my mother to take accountability for her actions. For what she says. I'm not going to get it tho. I know that and I have to learn to accept that. To try to move on from it, and ignore when I keep hearing it. She might love me because I'm her daughter but she doesn't like me. I don't know why. I mean I was the baby and I broke rules, but now to hold that against me .. still?! .. It is what it is. Unfortunately.

My husband....

I have forgiven what he did in the beginning. I actually have. And I forgotten for the most part, except when he might do things now those memories come flashing back like a flood.

I don't want him to say anything. I want him to act on what he would like to say. I want to feel it not hear it. I want to trust completely again. I want to believe in our marriage and our relationship. Just right now it's on hold. Just for a bit longer and than I'll figure out what to or how to do the next step.

I guess what I want to hear, is Ed to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Sorry for the language but it's definitely what I would like. I would love not to have those questions in my ear. To not hear all the garbage that he gets me to believe in.

And I want to hear 'me'. I want to listen to the person that I would want to be. The one that can be healthy. The one that deserves to be treated good and have a wonderful blessed life. To believe in myself and not let others question who I am. That's what I need to start listening to.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Week 20 : Characters

Marnie I hate you for this LOL:) (I'm jk hehe) This was definitely difficult .. for me at least haha

I had such a hard time that I asked my oldest son who he would think I would resemble. And here's the best part.. he sits there for a few seconds and says .. well kind of a lot because you have so many personalities. Great thanks son:) haha

I kinda changed my thought on this week. Maybe because I looked at characters and I don't know I guess who I am. I know who I want to be so that's where I took this. What I want from my life so I hope no one minds that I took a different direction.

So well my first thought was .. ready for it?? =)

Okay the picture isn't the best of his image but if you all haven't seen Hoodwinked you definitely need to!! He's frickin hilarious. And he's just so upbeat and excited. I swear I can't get enough of those movies with him. He's the best!

Then my next thought was King Julian =)

So my reasoning behind this. And again apparently I watch too many kids movie but their hilarious. And it could be because I have children too. lol.

But I think of him because he's funny a one, and loves himself so much. It's like All about him. I'm not saying I want everything to necessarily be about me, but just that I would love myself that way. I would love to think like that .. to believe in myself in that way.

My last guy (funny how their all guys .. hmm.. weird) But it's:


When I was growing up I watch Anastasia, and I absolutely fell in love with him. I really wanted to get a tattoo of him, but figured the white would fade way too fast that it was a waste of money. But he was just funny to me. Specially that part that he says 'kick her sir'. Kinda think of it as there is a something inside of me that's strong enough to go against anything, being strong.

So that's my characters. Idk any that exactly portray myself but it's the type of person I'm hoping that I can be. Funny, exciting, happy, and most of all strong to kick ed to the curb.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Week Nineteen Favorite Time of the Year

Oh this is easy for me=)

I love summer. Nothing to me is even better. I don't know if it's because I get cold and in the summer I can just lay in the sun and feel the warm and relax, or if it goes further into it and relates then to me growing up and always been gone .. either riding a bike or swimming. It was like all I ever did. I was out of the house like each and every day. I loved it. Some days my best friends and I would just walk around town for hours and it was nice to just talk and do nothing really. It was just nice.

Another reason why I like summer is because we go camping. I absolutely love the seclusion. No one really to like bother you. And just to sit outside all day and relax. Reading a book. Then sitting by the fire. Actually taking each moment by moment. Going searching for lizards, even though there is not a chance in hell your going to find me grab one of those things. My luck I would definitely end up getting bit. But it's just nice to sit outside, joke around, and really do nothing.

My other reason that I love summer, that's because it's my favorite holiday.

Growing up there wasn't much fireworks or anything. You'd see them on the TV but that was really it. We always had the bottle rockets and what the black cats I believe is what they were called. I had fun with my friends don't get me wrong. But the day I started to love the 4th of July will always be in my head.

My husband, at that time we were just dating. He took me up to Deadwood and we stood all by ourselves on this hillside watching the works go off. It was like every time now I hear those works make that beautiful boom sound, I get that same feeling I had that night. It brings me back. And I love it.

I do have to say tho August I hate because that means school is coming back on and all the nonstop activities .. so summer is my little break from the world.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Week Eighteen Best Recovery Advice

I'm mean WOW..

That's tough for me. I would definitely like to say that there are you that give me great advice.. there's books I've read. But I just still have unanswered questions, and they are just not happening. I just won't get them. I just don't know. Just don't know..

I do think that one comment that I'm trying to work with was 'to not let everyone else opinion affect the person that you are'.

My advice to myself is .. be that happy person. Be yourself and be okay with it. You were someone that God created .. and be PROUD OF THAT! Stop crying and being stuck.

Live life! Put your hands up. Take them off the wheel and trust that he has something greater planned for you and you will and could just RUN ..