Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Again what is wrong with me?? Why do I have to pick these two topics and just think that I want to scream because I really don't like em! Ah
It's truly hard to sit back and think the positives of myself and actually be okay thinking of myself like that.
Okay after a day of thinking about this the one positive thing I can say about myself is that if I do let you in. If you somehow break the barrier that I have, your in. Your protect, loved, and I'll do whatever it is that I can for you. I will do more for you then I will for myself. I might not do everything 'right' but I never have the intent to hurt those people.
And I will give you every chance in the world, I won't give up hope that these people meant to hurt me if they had. And there's only a few that are truly apart of this. But I would definitely go down fighting for them in a heartbeat.
I'm not tho pretty much stuck in my thoughts. I want to believe things coming in but at the same time it's difficult. So I'll just end it with this
I do need to learn to be prouder of myself and what I do, and that will come in time I hope anyways. I do have things that I think are positive about me but then I also feel like I'm gloating about it .. or something like that .. so then I don't like it:)
Monday, March 19, 2012
Okay I found this funny and had to start with it.. A PROUD PEACOCK:) Just thought it was kinda cute..
But really Proud that's a hard word to say. Specially about myself. Like as soon as I type it I roll my eyes. Funniest part is that I suggested the topic. (I swear I don't make sense half the time.)
Worst part is I actually have many things that I should or could be proud of. Starting years ago, I mean I was on Varsity in 8th grade for track. End of my freshman yr. I was playing Varsity in basketball and volleyball. I played some piano pieces during our school programs. Then to go further my senior year I was getting contacts from colleges for full scholarships to play volleyball. But I couldn't even think of that.
Reason why.. we lost the state volleyball championship. (And I don't know how his thoughts work their magic but he does a good job.) I couldn't see anything other then I lost it. I LOST IT! I lost it for our team, for my coach, and myself. So, I could careless about scouts calling to get me to their school to play. I at times think it's very vain that I took the responsibility for us losing. You know no I in team, but I couldn't remember anything else during the game except for me messing up at times. How I wasn't fast enough.. didn't do my job. Did after 10 yrs finally buy the video and was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't that bad.. ya know!?
I went to college with a scholarship for volleyball, and then got pregnant:) I tried to play again that following year but decided that to finish college, having to take care of my son, also work, and with volleyball on top.. There just was no room. So for the next few years I worked anywhere from 20 to 40 hrs a week, took care of Brayden.. by myself (well except daycare) and finished with my Bachelors. Looking back I'm surprised how much fight I had in me to raise a baby, work, and go to college. Definitely surprises me.
My other proudest moments are when I teach my children just to let loose. Just be weird and be proud of it. To know that it's alright to be exactly who you are and you don't need to change for anyone.
And too I love how they will hold open doors for others (specially my 4 yr old because it's difficult for him. Funny to watch!) But it's nice to know that I am hopefully giving them the tools to respect another person and realize how to treat another living being.
What I do want tho, I want to look back here .. where I am now, and say I am proud that I made a change for the better. Something that my kids will eventually know about and will be proud of me for it. I have a long hill to run up, and I'm getting there. I'll get there! I might have to run some times, walk other, and crawl on all fours at times. There's just no way that I am going to give up. Might not do it the 'Right' way. (Although I don't believe in a right or wrong.) But I believe and I trust enough in myself that I will do it. =)