I can't see anything right now. Short or Long
I am stuck just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Dealing with a lot of crap that I shouldn't. That's making me feel so alone because no one has been threw it.
The only goal that I can think of is just being happy. Just sitting back and looking and just smiling. Feeling good at that moment. How to get there.. I have NO FRICKIN Clue!
I know to expect everything to be happy go lucky is just .. I mean there's no way.. That's why God created us .. to be sad and hurt to feel the joys of love and happiness. I Believe That!
I don't have any goals right now, and maybe I need to start to try to figure that out. Right now I'm just trying to avoid what's coming to me, which isn't avoidable .. it's coming.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
There is something so great about it! Nothing and No one that could ever take it away from me!! One thing at least that no one can take that feeling away.
I have to go back here.. not too long ago.. about a yr.. maybe not even a yr. I had gone to the store to pick out a gift for Kyler's friend bday party. We came to the stop light and there was a woman standing there with a sign. I actually did have cash but I did lie and say that I didn't have any cash but that I would go to the fast food restaurant and buy her food. Kyler was only 5 at that time.. and he had a ton of questions. Asking why she needed food.. why she didn't have a home.. why she was asking for money. I tried my best to tell him that some ppl just don't have what we have. And we don't have a lot. It's not like we got whatever it is that anyone could have.. but I do try to give my children as much as a I can give them. They matter so much more then I do.
So this one particular day after we gave the food. Kyler says 'she said we were kind'. He was so proud that this lady (whether or not she has money or not)gave him this smile on his face to make him feel proud that he helped someone else.
After we gave her the food.. Ky was so cute. He said he was going to take out all of his money and buy her a house so that she had somewhere to live and go home to.
If that is the only thing that I can give to my children is for them to see others for just the simple being of God's creation then I can leave this world being happy.
As for that particular day it will never be forgotten. I got to experienced that joy that you might have helped someone gave them hope and see that my child saw that.. It's probably the biggest part that he saw how to treat another person regardless or what they have or don't have. And that no matter what someone might be trying to take from you that you can give .. that giving is something more then taking. And that sometimes there are definitely those moments that others Need more then what you have. And I do definitely believe that if that those people that just take..
I'm sick tho of seeing ppl say well I gave this much or that. When you give you don't keep track. You might remember because it impacted you but you don't say within one year I did this much for that group or that person. No .. I don't agree with that. What gives you that right.. oh to have others give you that atta boy?? Good for you ?? really? REALLY? Just tired of others feeling that they need someone to pat them on the back for actually being kind. For actually stepping aside in the grocery line and letting someone go before them because they have less. Or because your not really that busy. To allow someone to pull out in front of you and just say okay .. nothing more don't honk your horn. Just say that didn't do anything to me except gave me another 2 seconds to be here. TO BE HERE!
Giving is supposed to between you and them. Not to everyone else. So giving doesn't have to be money necessarily .. a bill a coin. But my mind in how I think of money is a whole different mindset.
Giving can protecting. Do we always do it right.. yep nope.. But to know that someone is there behind you .. being there as much as they can. That is alone a gift too.
So what someone gives me can be kind it works. Can be a smile. They give me these snapshots in my mind that make me feel good. Those are the best givings!!!! ... to me anyways..
I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do week 15. And then I came across this.
To think of being happy right now seems like such a stretch. So much has been happening lately that just makes me feel like I am being buried alive. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe and I have the world against me. Seems like if anything can go wrong right now.. it's going wrong.
Then this picture comes along. And it relaxes me in some way. That he has me. That I might be hurting and sad right now but he's going to be my light that brings me out of this gloom.
All I have anymore is faith and hope. Guess that's probably what you are supposed to have right? They are just starting to come in though. It's been hard to let go and think that he has something better planned for me and it doesn't matter what I look like to achieve what God has planned for me. I'm sure he probably knows better then I do.
I have to let go and believe that something else is out there .. I have to trust in him. I am doing that.. just slowly. And I'm hoping that I'll be able to open up more. It is just hard when others hurt me to believe .. ya ..
But I do believe in God. I just have to hand over the reigns to him and truly trust in his path.