Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Week Eight: Fears


Where to start is the question. My fears are emotional ones. I mean ya I don't like to see a huge spider.. snakes I could careless to hold onto.. but when I think of being sad and hurt that is my fear... staying sad and hurt, cause unfortunately that is where I am right now in life.

One of me fears is losing my family somehow. Ever since I was younger I always had these nightmares that someone broke into the house and destroyed my home but someone I would survive.. without them. I will just wake up in the night just crying .. bawling. Sobbing for no reason. Really they are all fine and here .. and I felt like I lost them some how and I was uncontrollably crying feeling as if I would if something really did happen.

Last year my mother-in-law took my 6 yr old to school last year and dropped him off.. I was just so happy because for once I was at home alone. Able to just relax and do whatever by myself. I didn't have to worry about this and that. Then there's this frantic twisting of my door handle.. and I instantly thought someone is trying to break in.. I opened it up and here it's Kyler crying. She had dropped him off an hour early. Luckily I had been coming to school dropping off his scooter to ride home with his brother so he at least knew the way home but it is a good 2 miles away. When he came in the house crying I melted down. All I could think was the horrible things that would have happened while I was at home reading and he could have been ripped away from me and I would have never forgiven myself for that!

My other fear is life without ED. I'm so conflicted because I want to be rid of ed so that I'm healthy but at the same time I don't know if I'll like me without him. I have the uncontrollable fear that if I don't have ed in my life I'll be alone and with nothing. That somehow what I feared about my family would come true and I wouldn't even have ed to rely on.

But as that's said in that same breath is.. I'm dying. I'm killing myself. Slowly but surely killing myself. I mean I'm 30 and over half my life living with Ed it's taken it's tole. I don't want my children to have to say goodbye to me and to know that was the reason. To have to go through life and say I don't have my mom anymore because she was selfish in the fact of controlling and body wise. That's not fair to them! I fear I'm just a huge disappointment, and I can't seem to get by that.

So I just stay in this spot wishing to disappear from feelings and thoughts and just be numb. All I have for feelings are hurt and sadness and I'm so tired of feeling like that. I want to just be at a calm state. I just want to smile and really just smile not forcing it not pretending.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Week Seven: Words that give me meaning..

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

This week was pretty easy for me. I listen to this song probably 20-30 times a day. I honestly feel like the more times I hear the words the more it'll get into my head and I'll believe it and I can then move forward.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

As for knowing who I am.. I'm really confused. I can't grasp it. I don't know .. my mind runs wild. But I do feel that I am strong enough and that I AM MORE THEN EVERYTHING THAT'S GONE ON. That I can be better. That I will smile in the end.

That I will see the beauty that I deserve to see. In my smile, in my eyes, in anyone that I walk by. So these are what I want to share..

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Week Six: How I am Now.. Sept 2011

This is a picture of a star going into a black hole. That is where I feel right now. I am struggling to pull myself out of this black hole (aka ED) Unfortunately for this star it got sucked in.. I'm refusing to allow myself to get completely sucked in. I mean I obviously have been consumed but I feel like I'm pulling myself out of this black hole instead of disappearing.

Now obviously ... everyday it's not easy. Actually each moment isn't easy. I have a hard time talking on how I feel because for so long I've just pushed my feelings aside. I want to be stronger and more beautiful, when in reality I need to see how strong and beautiful I really am. But right now Ed is that black hold pulling me in.. sucking me in!

Thing about it all is I want this recovery. I want to wake up one day and just feel like it's okay. If I weighed 300 lbs. or I weighed 100 lbs. That God gave me this life and that I could finally cherish what God gave me instead of thinking that I need to correct what he blessed me with. I am still striving to understand to learn how to be blessed with what God graced me with. That I am worthy, but I need to see myself as worthy too.

So this week I've had a hard time with that thought.. it's frustrated me and made me feel up and down .. nothing against anyone but myself. I keep constantly listening to the song by tenth avenue north, you are more. I am trying so hard to feel that I am important I am worthy of this life that I am who I feel like I am. That it's not just ed. That I have a good heart and I am a good person, and I really REALLY don't want to hurt anymore..

So eventhough I have this thoughts and feelings of being sucked in.. this is what I want and desire..

That resembles the beauty I want for my life. To look out and just breath and smile and let my life take me in a direction that God wanted for me. And to me sitting there looking at this picture.. I would just feel calm and that's what I want more then anything. So that's my week:)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Week Five: Sunshine

When asked what is one of my favorite moments in life.. it would be without a doubt being in the field with my brother!

So my brother who is 5 yrs older then me would go out with my dad to check on the cows. And I only remember this one time this one summer. When the sun was shinning and everything just seemed to peaceful and calm. We'd ride in the back of the pick up which also sucked because it was always bumpy and you'd bounce all around hurting just about every part of your body.

Well, this particular memory.. my brother and I kept playing this like catch up game. We'd hop out of the truck and would run to jump in on the tailgate. The one time that just makes me laugh like no other is when my brother sat there longer then usual. And my dad not even paying attention to what we were doing picked up speed at the same time Bobby started to run.. so he was running after the pick up and I had to get to the front to yell at my dad. He laughed and stopped and Bob got in. I'm not sure why it was a such a great memory. Some reason some why it hits home.

So that's my well at least one of a lot of smiles that I do have. But that memory is a BIG hold in my life. I love this memory and I'll never let it go!