Week Eight: Fears

Fears..

Where to start is the question. My fears are emotional ones. I mean ya I don't like to see a huge spider.. snakes I could careless to hold onto.. but when I think of being sad and hurt that is my fear... staying sad and hurt, cause unfortunately that is where I am right now in life.


One of me fears is losing my family somehow. Ever since I was younger I always had these nightmares that someone broke into the house and destroyed my home but someone I would survive.. without them. I will just wake up in the night just crying .. bawling. Sobbing for no reason. Really they are all fine and here .. and I felt like I lost them some how and I was uncontrollably crying feeling as if I would if something really did happen.


Last year my mother-in-law took my 6 yr old to school last year and dropped him off.. I was just so happy because for once I was at home alone. Able to just relax and do whatever by myself. I didn't have to worry about this and that. Then there's this frantic twisting of my door handle.. and I instantly thought someone is trying to break in.. I opened it up and here it's Kyler crying. She had dropped him off an hour early. Luckily I had been coming to school dropping off his scooter to ride home with his brother so he at least knew the way home but it is a good 2 miles away. When he came in the house crying I melted down. All I could think was the horrible things that would have happened while I was at home reading and he could have been ripped away from me and I would have never forgiven myself for that!


My other fear is life without ED. I'm so conflicted because I want to be rid of ed so that I'm healthy but at the same time I don't know if I'll like me without him. I have the uncontrollable fear that if I don't have ed in my life I'll be alone and with nothing. That somehow what I feared about my family would come true and I wouldn't even have ed to rely on.


But as that's said in that same breath is.. I'm dying. I'm killing myself. Slowly but surely killing myself. I mean I'm 30 and over half my life living with Ed it's taken it's tole. I don't want my children to have to say goodbye to me and to know that was the reason. To have to go through life and say I don't have my mom anymore because she was selfish in the fact of controlling and body wise. That's not fair to them! I fear I'm just a huge disappointment, and I can't seem to get by that.


So I just stay in this spot wishing to disappear from feelings and thoughts and just be numb. All I have for feelings are hurt and sadness and I'm so tired of feeling like that. I want to just be at a calm state. I just want to smile and really just smile not forcing it not pretending.