Saturday, May 19, 2012

Week 30 : 3 Words

My three words are not very inspirational.

They are :

1. Lost
I decided to give it a break. I feel like if I just go for a bit that Hopefully I can start over with a fresh start. I know to many that sounds like I'm giving up, but really I'm not. I just need to reevaluate my situation. I have so many things that are going on that it's hard to also have my mind concentrate on fighting. And I haven't thought that this isn't Ed speaking, because it probably is. It's just I have my family that comes first and with the fight I feel like I need to put myself first. In which has caused a lot of heartache in my life and my children's. A lot more then what I would want for them. So, that's where I'm going right now.

I do feel like I'm stuck. Not just in my fight obviously with Ed, but just in my life in general. There's a lot that I would go into but I feel like it would hurt someone who I do love and I don't want to go there. I've never understood why you love someone when they hurt you but you still love them. It's a hard thing to let go, specially when you don't know if it would actually work out for the best. I just feel like I can't ever make a choice because I feel like every time I make the wrong choice. And plus too I keep thinking that every relationship that I have. Whether it's my family or friends.. or even just someone off the street.. I'm the common denominator. I'm the one that is involved with the problem, therefore I am the problem. And it's just hard for me to believe it. That's what leads into hopeful. 

3. Hopeful
God I know who I am on the inside. I know my heart. I just can't understand why others can't see it .. I do wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't see anything wrong with crying or getting upset about something that hurts. I don't see anything wrong with it! Others do =/
I don't know how to change that, I do know that I have to be the person that I am and be proud of that person regardless of what others have to say about it. It's just getting to that point. But .. BUT .. :) That's where I know I have that fight in me that I'm not going to give up. I still have that drive in me, and I know how hopeful I am that at some point I get to announce that I'm kicking butt!

So eventho this might not have been very inspirational with happy thoughts:) (sorry) I believe in a blessed outcome.