Week Eleven: Recovery

Oh my lord.. Recovery.. RECOVERY?!?! Hmm.. Ya that's almost like
a big term to me right now!
Why do I want recovery.. somedays I'm not sure why I want
recovery. Somedays recovery isn't a thought. Ed does a well good job of taking
that over and making sure of not dealing with recovery. But really I don't want
to die from this.. I don't want my children putting my body into the ground and
having to live their life saying well my mom choose to do this. No I didn't
really choose to have Ed.. Ed just came apart of me and pulling myself away
isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom today said it's like quiting smoking. And my remark back
was laughing and saying how many times did you try to quit!? This is my first
time. Kind of a f*** off thing!
Long term goals.. that's easy .. I want to spend the rest of my
life with Tom. I want to just relax and be with him and have fun. When I say
fun I mean sitting on the porch swing or just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating.. aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will be something better then what I am living now!
or
just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able
to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile
and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day
and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating..
aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life
will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will
be something better then what I am living now!

Week Ten: Accomplishments

Me and accomplishments are always up and down!

Lets see when I was in highschool I did strive, I played basketball, volleyball, and track. I have a lot of medals and placks that I have wanted to throw away because that part of my life is gone and they seem to mean nothing to me. I think it's because I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't push just a little more. Why I didn't just do a little more?! But Tom has convinced me to hold onto them .. so maybe one day I'll look at them and be proud of what I did do. I hope so..

I did have a scholarship to my college for volleyball. I actually am proud to say that I got offers to 8 different schools and the one school I wanted to go to my parents wouldn't allow me to so I was stuck at the one. And then well ..

I was blessed with a beautiful wonderful boy. =) It was really hard going through that all.. having to tell my team my coach my family haha not funny but ya. I did try back out for the team that next spring but it was going to be too much time away from Brayden and also doing school work. Having to pay for a babysitter.. just too much.

So when it comes to accomplishments now I think of them differently then saying I got first place or went to state and we won. My accomplishments are these three..



There are my days that I could am probably am insane. But at the sametime I live right now for them. I try to teach them how to teach each other telling them constantly no matter what or who noone else will ever be their brother. They have just each other and to always be there for one another. To be kind because it sucks the way others treat one another. These three are my BIGGEST accomplishments! And I'll make sure that I can do everything possible to give them a wonderful life. One that when they are older will hopefully not be too disappointed =) fingers crossed!

I mean I did get my bacholars in a Composite of Social Science that if I were to teach I could teach 6 different subjects. I loved school. Hating doing the work but I loved listening and learning different things. Specially history. Also have a Major in History because I just happened to take so many classes in it lol!

My accomplishments might seem simple or not as .. oh.. I can't think of the word.. but they are mine. They are three boys that I'm raising .. trying to do my best and give them the world. Give them something more.. All that other stuff seems nothing to me right now. I need to give my children the world so my great accomplishment will seeing my boys happy and smiling. I love them to death and they make me smile and laugh.. oh and don't get me wrong they are not angels at all=) but they are wonderful boys I believe. What parent doesn't think that way right ?! Lol.

So that's it that's my accomplishment. I gave birth to 3 beautiful boys who have impacted my world in a wonderful way.

My Week 9: Egg Shells

Egg shells" .. people always refer to them don't they?!

I'm tired of 'egg shells'! I just don't want to play by someone elses rules. When does it become my rules?! Why do I constantly have to say the right thing or do the right thing. Sorry sometimes I f*** up! =) What can I say?! Obviously I am not perfect. Things that come out of me and what I think might not be the way intended.. sorry but hey that's me!

What I feel is what I feel. Sometimes I'm all over the place. Happy then sad, usually mad cause mad is so much easier then crying and being hurt. And really Ed loves Mad. He'll tell me don't let them see you cry don't let them see that your hurt. Put that smile on and everything will be just great. Look how you can pretend that your just fine and they don't affect you at all! See you beat them!

Instead I didn't beat anyone except myself!

At everything I have to be 'perfect'. Ug! I'm far from perfect. Is there even a perfect?! I wouldn't think so but you have to stretch as far as you can to get to that perfect right?? no.. No no wait!

I am perfect. I am perfect .. perfect with my flaws. Now if I could only kick Ed arse to the side:) That's my hard part!

I Luckily have my husband by my side..
I don't know what I would do without him. I worried that I'll lose him after all this battle I guess time will only tell. But I couldn't ask for more for someone to be patient/worried/upset all at the same time dealing with me and with Ed.

I guess one hand it's hard to understand why he'd stay by me?? It's hard for me to feel love. To actually believe that I'm loved.. I don't know why I feel not worth it but at the same time I feel like I deserve a respect. Like I deserved to be treated a certain way.. it's just a I'm not even sure how to say it but like I deserve a respect or a way to be treated but then again I'm not worth it. Guess that's me and Ed battling ?!?!

Thought this was cute!=)

this litte pic.. it's like move over bitch! Saying I'm not going to worry about you I need to worry about me! And I need to do that. Only problem is I'm in that stuck place trying to let go of what I know and what I need to do.

I tend to just forget. Pretend it doesn't or didn't happen. I think that's why I love the sky so much.

"You can just get lost in it.

Day or Night. Clouds or Stars. Just calming and I don't have to feel or think anything except to just be..

I honestly do not feel like I'm asking for much.. I don't need money, a new car, a new dress a new anything.. I just want to feel calm. I want to feel that beautiful part of being in a rocker on my porch just listening to the simple parts of life and being able to smile at it.

So week 9. I am confused/lost and all over the place. I know what I want in the end just haven't problems getting there. But I do believe that I'll get to that beautiful cloud that just is. I need to look more into myself and believe more in myself and I think .. I believe I can and will get there.. Just might take me some time.