Monday, February 27, 2012

Week 24: Overcoming

Wow.. hmm.. I'm trying to think of something. I mean I know there has to be those but I hate repeating all the time:)

Lets see first would have to be the challenge that I had with my family when our house had blown up and we had no where to live and no clothes except for those that we had worn to bed that night. Ended up living in a motel for a month to then move into a trailer house for a year until we could have our other house built and ready to move into. (keeping it brief if you can't tell lol)

The other obstacles where just sport wise. I played in a lot of sports and just pushing myself, even after I broke my ankle but still played.

I know I was a bitch growing up. Mainly because everyone seemed to constantly hurt me or betray me so my best and easiest way was just to hate. I still somewhat do, but I do also see myself taking a transition and basically asking is it worth it?? Sure never feels like it's worth being mad or upset. Specially over certain things.

Now how did I any of it?? Blah.. I have no idea. I don't get how when I was younger I just basically said to myself suck it up and do it. Where as now I can't seem to do that. I know I need to take that leap of faith, just am very scared of it. Not sure why either. But even though I might not be doing a lot.. I'm doing something. It took me almost 18 yrs to get to here, so my baby steps, I'm okay with them. I am tho looking forward to that day I get to say I overcame this. =)

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Week 22: Harboring

I don't know if there is one spot in me that I hid my emotions. I usually feel it all over. I know it's in my mind, I definitely know it's in my heart. I usually just feel it in my upper body. Like my chest and then it'll creep down my arms.

I used to be really good at holding everything in. Not telling people how I really feel. And honestly it's only a few that really get to know how I feel. My biggest problem with always letting people in is then they also think that they have a right to an opinion. Sometimes I don't want an opinion, I would just like you to hear what I am saying. So I usually have harbored my emotions because it has always seemed to back fire on me.

I quickly learned when I was younger that you don't tell others how you feel. That by doing so it's just going to give me hurt and pain. That if I was honest I got told that I was wrong. That it wasn't really how I felt. I didn't know what I was talking about. SO I moved forward with holding everything in all the time.

It didn't matter if I had an actual reason for my feelings or if I was just sad and upset because I was sad and upset. I basically always got told to suck it up. But that smile on your face because you need to pretend to everyone that your really actually happy and everything is perfect.

Yep make everyone think that your life is perfect when inside I am tearing apart. Trying so hard to make it look like everything is Wonderful.

When all I had wanted to scream at everyone and anyone.

However, Over this past like 7 months. Even thought things might not be all that well. I am learning to let feelings out. Mainly because I can't live like this anymore. I'll cry church, I'll cry right in front of anyone. If they have a problem with it, well then it's their problem. I try my best to tell people when I'm upset with them. I definitely do a lot better with Tom and the boys then I have in a long time. Still have work to do, but I feel like I'm at least heading in the direction that I want to with relationships and how to get all this gunk out of me so that I can actually rejoice my life the way I would like too.

I found this site
And there’s parts of it that I wanted to share. If you want to read all of it it’s up to. I know some of you believe in a higher power but not necessarily a God, I do so I just didn’t want to push anything on anyone is all. But here’s some of what I liked.

It is impossible to be bitter and get better at the same time!

How can a hurt or problem make you a better person? God does not bring hurts and wounds upon you, but once they are inflicted upon you, He is able to cause them to benefit you if you will trust Him to do so.
God can make miracles out of mistakes!

“What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living!” (Psalm 27:13 Amp

Recently 1 received a letter from a woman who wrote, “I know God did not cause your abuse, but if you had not been abused, you could not have helped me.” She continued, “Please don’t feel too badly about it, because God is using your pain to set others free.”

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Week 21: What I want to hear

I definitely don't want to hear 'I'm sorry'.

That's not enough anymore. That's a five letter word that doesn't mean shit to me. It actually pisses me off more then anything when I hear it.

I want my mother to take accountability for her actions. For what she says. I'm not going to get it tho. I know that and I have to learn to accept that. To try to move on from it, and ignore when I keep hearing it. She might love me because I'm her daughter but she doesn't like me. I don't know why. I mean I was the baby and I broke rules, but now to hold that against me .. still?! .. It is what it is. Unfortunately.

My husband....

I have forgiven what he did in the beginning. I actually have. And I forgotten for the most part, except when he might do things now those memories come flashing back like a flood.

I don't want him to say anything. I want him to act on what he would like to say. I want to feel it not hear it. I want to trust completely again. I want to believe in our marriage and our relationship. Just right now it's on hold. Just for a bit longer and than I'll figure out what to or how to do the next step.

I guess what I want to hear, is Ed to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Sorry for the language but it's definitely what I would like. I would love not to have those questions in my ear. To not hear all the garbage that he gets me to believe in.

And I want to hear 'me'. I want to listen to the person that I would want to be. The one that can be healthy. The one that deserves to be treated good and have a wonderful blessed life. To believe in myself and not let others question who I am. That's what I need to start listening to.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Week 20 : Characters

Marnie I hate you for this LOL:) (I'm jk hehe) This was definitely difficult .. for me at least haha

I had such a hard time that I asked my oldest son who he would think I would resemble. And here's the best part.. he sits there for a few seconds and says .. well kind of a lot because you have so many personalities. Great thanks son:) haha

I kinda changed my thought on this week. Maybe because I looked at characters and I don't know I guess who I am. I know who I want to be so that's where I took this. What I want from my life so I hope no one minds that I took a different direction.

So well my first thought was .. ready for it?? =)

Okay the picture isn't the best of his image but if you all haven't seen Hoodwinked you definitely need to!! He's frickin hilarious. And he's just so upbeat and excited. I swear I can't get enough of those movies with him. He's the best!

Then my next thought was King Julian =)

So my reasoning behind this. And again apparently I watch too many kids movie but their hilarious. And it could be because I have children too. lol.

But I think of him because he's funny a one, and loves himself so much. It's like All about him. I'm not saying I want everything to necessarily be about me, but just that I would love myself that way. I would love to think like that .. to believe in myself in that way.

My last guy (funny how their all guys .. hmm.. weird) But it's:


When I was growing up I watch Anastasia, and I absolutely fell in love with him. I really wanted to get a tattoo of him, but figured the white would fade way too fast that it was a waste of money. But he was just funny to me. Specially that part that he says 'kick her sir'. Kinda think of it as there is a something inside of me that's strong enough to go against anything, being strong.

So that's my characters. Idk any that exactly portray myself but it's the type of person I'm hoping that I can be. Funny, exciting, happy, and most of all strong to kick ed to the curb.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Week Nineteen Favorite Time of the Year

Oh this is easy for me=)

I love summer. Nothing to me is even better. I don't know if it's because I get cold and in the summer I can just lay in the sun and feel the warm and relax, or if it goes further into it and relates then to me growing up and always been gone .. either riding a bike or swimming. It was like all I ever did. I was out of the house like each and every day. I loved it. Some days my best friends and I would just walk around town for hours and it was nice to just talk and do nothing really. It was just nice.

Another reason why I like summer is because we go camping. I absolutely love the seclusion. No one really to like bother you. And just to sit outside all day and relax. Reading a book. Then sitting by the fire. Actually taking each moment by moment. Going searching for lizards, even though there is not a chance in hell your going to find me grab one of those things. My luck I would definitely end up getting bit. But it's just nice to sit outside, joke around, and really do nothing.

My other reason that I love summer, that's because it's my favorite holiday.

Growing up there wasn't much fireworks or anything. You'd see them on the TV but that was really it. We always had the bottle rockets and what the black cats I believe is what they were called. I had fun with my friends don't get me wrong. But the day I started to love the 4th of July will always be in my head.

My husband, at that time we were just dating. He took me up to Deadwood and we stood all by ourselves on this hillside watching the works go off. It was like every time now I hear those works make that beautiful boom sound, I get that same feeling I had that night. It brings me back. And I love it.

I do have to say tho August I hate because that means school is coming back on and all the nonstop activities .. so summer is my little break from the world.