Saturday, July 27, 2013

Week 51: Life Lessons

My best life lesson is the fact that now I live in a big city. Growing up in a small town of 1000 pop. everyone has an opinon on how you act what you do, who you are.. just stupid shit!

At times I hate the fact that I live in such a heavy popluated place, but at the same time it's like.. chances of me really seeing you again are not that likely so do what you do and I'll do what I do. I don't need you to judge me and I don't care if you do because you don't matter to me. The ones that matter to me are my husband children my brothers and sister, my parents and close friends. Other then that you don't matter to me. Might sound mean to say but really I don't need your judgements.. I judge myself enough that I don't need you to say anything:)

So I've started this brush it off your shoulder thing. Trying to teach my children that too. And my 8 yr old is so funny cause as soon as I start to get irritated he takes his hand and brushes my shoulder:) And I'll say exactly.. it isn't that big of a deal. Let them be them and I'll be me.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past couple years trying to get myself back on track. It's amazing how invovled you can get without even knowing really what or why your doing things. And now I see it. Not that I always react in the correct manor:) Cause I have a pretty good wall built up. If you come at me, my wall goes Up and my Claws come out!

The one thing that pisses me off about it tho is that I always end up apologizing because I don't like the way that I handled it so then I say I'm sorry. Not that I'm sorry for what I believed, but sorry because I could have dealt with it in another way. But most people don't understand that and they think that I'm apologizing saying they were right. (specially my mother!)

One life lesson that I have learned.. or at least I'm teaching myself to learn is that it's okay to be 'selfish' to protect myself so that I can live a happier life. It's okay that I have to take care of myself. That I have to to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter. And if others have an issue with that, well then that's their issue not mine. I need to get better so I can live and laugh and cry and scream:) Gotta have it all to know how each of the feel. So call me a "selfish bitch" (my mother did) and you know what I'll say Yes I am! Deal with it haha!

Every day can be another lesson or journey or whatever you want to make of it. It's your life you decide!

Friday, July 26, 2013

Week 50: My special Place

Special Place.. well the first thing that comes to mind, well I don't want to mention it. But usually when I get upset or frustrated it's where I go. I like to go into places that are tight and dark and loud so I can't hear anything. So I just can feel myself breath and relax .. maybe cry .. but bring myself back to a norm.

The other places I like to go is outside. Whether it's sitting in the grass or on the hammock.. just with the sun shinning down on me giving me warmth I feel relaxed and it helps calm me in any situation.

Reality is .. my special place is anywhere that I can just breath be calm and relax. Maybe cry maybe laugh. But just somewhere that I feel I'm not stressing over everything else.

Anything that blocks out the rest of reality at times.. Gives me my moment to live in.

Week 49: Traditions

Oh I LOVE traditions!!! I have so many:) It's a thing about me.. idk why but ya.

Lets see, first well my family all lives back in SD. before we moved we would always go back for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Here I still try to hold onto what I like.

Lets see. To start with Thanksgiving.. I don't really care for Tom's family. And I know that's horrible to say. But they just are not like what I consider a family to be. They all do their own thing no one really cares about the other. They are so selfish it's ridiculous! So haha.. going on a tangent there. I like to have Thanksgiving with my husband and 3 boys. It's a nice relaxing day just hanging out playing games as a family.

Now Christmas.. We always go out and the kids get to pick out an oridments and then we pick out a family one. That's something new that I started with my family. WE have one for each year and I love to decorate the tree that way. Xmas Eve is always the day that we open the presents. They get to open one gift before mass and then the rest after dinner. Which is ALWAYS chili and chicken noodle soup:) Christmas day is always Santa gifts and then we go over to my mother in laws.. yaayy Not! Haha!!! I'm always ready to get the heck out of there ASAP!! haha

Now the one tradition that I absolutely LOVE!! The 4th of July. The main reason behind it is because Tom and I had met a couple months beforehand. And we went to the firework show in Deadwood, SD. We were standing up on this side of a hill and the fireworks were going off above us. His arms were wrapped around me and the booming just gave me chills. Probably was the first time I absolutely knew I was going to marry him. From then on the 4th has become my FAVORITE holiday! So we start out going to the parade, to coming home and having a BBQ which friends. Then to head back over to the skate park and have dinner and watch the fireworks. When we get home we set off our own firewords.

My other tradition is playing games. I love teaching the kids card games that I learned growing up.. or playing marbles. Having stupid fun and playing hide and go seek. :) Dancing and acting all sorts of crazy.. I want my children to feel comfortable in who they are and be proud of it! Nothing more I would love to see is for them to know that they are true to themselves and that is a good thing. You don't need to change yourself for anyone else. Well, as long as they are behaving correctly lol!

My other tradition is to say I love you like it was going out of style.. say it as many times as possible. Never let them think twice that I didn't love them with all my heart. Let them know that even tho I get upset I still love them with every ounce of my being. There's nothing that they could do that I would take my love away from them. Might not agree with it, but I would always be there some way some how.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Week 48: What motivates your for recovery?

I mean it falls back on my children. At times I feel helpless and selfish for my behaviors.. that I'm so consumed by my thoughts that I can't be the mother that they so are rightfully deserving of. But it does help me to push myself. To allow myself to go 'it's not about me' anymore. It's about them! And I so desperately want to be alive to see some grandbabies:) I want to see my boys grow into young men and wonderful husbands (cause if they don't I'll be the first one kicking their ass haha!!)

And also after this last year.. with my world turned upsidedown .. thinking that for some reason I was 'okay' ish.. but as soon as everything hit the ceiling .. well I still don't know what to think. It's hard getting out of Ed.. seperating. I mean I see the talk but there are times I'm so weak that I just follow because that's what I've always done.

Now, the times that I do fight hard and not listen.. well listen but not give in. I celebrate! I make it a BIG deal that I fought and I won. Those are the times that I continue to look at. Not my faults.. not what I didn't do 'right', but when I defeated ed and chose a different outlook. Definetly hard at times but I keep pushing to make better and better choices.

Life is a journey. If you were told it was going to be a bucket of roses.. well that's not the truth. It's not supposed to be a grand o'day every day.. if it was how would you know how to be happy. That's why you need to cry to be able to be laugh. You need to be sad to be able to happy. You need to be mad to feel the hurt. So that you can move forward. It's up to you to take each moment and realize what it is to help yourself to live, love and learn. No one said it would be easy:)

Week 47 : Somethings Worth Celebrating

My Children :)
Not really sure how they are products of me. They amaze me SO much!!
Brayden (my oldest) is on the honor role, So is Kyler (my middle child). Brayden made in on Junior Honors Society, and he's all in advance classes, he just made it on a competive soccer team. Last year he was one of 12 who got selected to go to Washington D.C. to show what they did. Which was for having a more Green world. He acts up and he gets in trouble, but at the same time I'm saying your not my kid haha.
Kyler has straight A's. He's in soccer, basketball, and baseball. He's such a sweetheart. One day, I gave a guy some money because on his sign it said he was homeless.. Ky says why doesn't he have a home? So I tried to as vaguely as possible explain that some ppl just don't have homes. He said well I think I should buy him a home. I giggle and said you can't baby you don't have enough money but it's a very nice thought. All we can do for him is pray. So then he said a prayer for him :) Such a sweetie!!
Zaelur is my joker. He thinks he's cute. Which not saying he isn't but he's not that cute is what I always say:) He comes up with the darnest things. The other day.. well first we went back and saw my family and he kept calling my brother a beaver. So we asked why do you call him a beaver? He goes cause Uncle Stever's a beaver.. hahaha!! Okay then. He's a little turd tho. He'll hid things all the time. He ripped money just yesterday and things I won't find it. I keep telling him I'll find it eventually always! And the longer it is the worse off you are.

They are and always will be my babies. Love you all!!!! So proud to be called your mother.


Saturday, March 2, 2013

Week 46 : Energy Boost

My Energy Boost

There is nothing more then I love to be out in the sun in an open field. Nothing around but the sounds of the wind slowly blowing thru the grass, birds flying by, and even hearing cows:)
It's been something that I've loved since I was little. We used to live on a farm and there was no one near us. We'd go outside and it was just calm and relaxing to play in the warm weather with nothing really to do. It was .. it was great.
Even now when I go back home, and granted my parents moved closer in town so now there's cars going by, but nothing like the city. And I just love to go outside and have the sun heat my body and just look around. Never have I not smiled. I enjoy it so much.

My energy comes from just being relaxed and calm and feeling like I'm just there in the moment to let everything sink in. And the sun is a key factor:P I love the sun. Spring and Summer just light up my world. It's my favorite time. Something about being warm makes me feel alive and happy.
So breathe, let it all come in and just sit. Don't think. I need to probably do this more often:)

Monday, December 24, 2012

Week 45: 3 wishes

3 Wishes.. hmm..

I know the obviously answer is something that would change my life. Whether it just be for me to accept myself and be okay with that, or to have lots and lots of money:) haha.. But that's not the case.

My first wish:

We'll start from the top. And it'll go for my oldest Brayden. Maybe because I was a single mother working 3 part time jobs and going to college full time that there's just something between him and I that could probably never be replaced. At least on my side.. but I wish that he will continue to push himself in a direction that will give him the credit he deserves. He'll see how wonderful of a person he truly is. How to look into others and be aware of how he treats one another and hold strong to what he believes in. To know how hard it is to take back words and apologize for lies told. So always take the high road and be a man of integrity. That as long as he tries that is good enough by me and really that's all that truly matters haha

Second will go to Kyler. I hope that he embracing this compasionate side that he has. That he will learn that this is something to be proud of and practically every woman would love:) That he doesn't hesitate on how smart he really is and he knows that no matter what he has a strong unit standing behind him to help him in every which way possible to further his dreams. To never give up on his dreams! To believe in himself. For him to not get discouraged with failure, but to realize that he might need to just put that much more into it for it to happen. And it's okay to try again to get it.

Third wish goes to Zaelur. First and foremost.. that he learns that he doesn't need to scream to talk or laugh and that everyone can hear him. Good lord! But I hope that he sees in himself the fun smilie child that he is. How he wants to be a giver and make people happy because it makes him happy. BUT.. to understand that others could take advantage over it and be cautious at the same time. To take his own way and direction and not follow others, but be a leader at times to show the difference in ways can be. For him to know that he is a fighter and he can survive the most difficult times. To continue to love Jesus and going to church (really not sure where he got that from but proud that he loves going to church). To just continue to love.

A combination for all of them. To know that thru thick and thin, Family will always be there! Whether we are here physically or just memories but to know that there is always someone cheering them on. Know that they might fight and argue, but know that they are brothers and brothers they will always be. Take that and run with it. There is no one that can replace the other and be proud that they are who they are. Be kind to one another, yet hit the other on top of the head when misbehaving. Teach and learn with one another to be the men that I know you can be.

Will always love you and I hope you all the most happiness that life can bring you. Know that it's not always a basket of roses, sometimes you might get stung by a bee, but doesn't mean you should stop smelling them because of the one bad moment. Love love love you all!!