Week 48: What motivates your for recovery?

I mean it falls back on my children. At times I feel helpless and selfish for my behaviors.. that I'm so consumed by my thoughts that I can't be the mother that they so are rightfully deserving of. But it does help me to push myself. To allow myself to go 'it's not about me' anymore. It's about them! And I so desperately want to be alive to see some grandbabies:) I want to see my boys grow into young men and wonderful husbands (cause if they don't I'll be the first one kicking their ass haha!!)

And also after this last year.. with my world turned upsidedown .. thinking that for some reason I was 'okay' ish.. but as soon as everything hit the ceiling .. well I still don't know what to think. It's hard getting out of Ed.. seperating. I mean I see the talk but there are times I'm so weak that I just follow because that's what I've always done.

Now, the times that I do fight hard and not listen.. well listen but not give in. I celebrate! I make it a BIG deal that I fought and I won. Those are the times that I continue to look at. Not my faults.. not what I didn't do 'right', but when I defeated ed and chose a different outlook. Definetly hard at times but I keep pushing to make better and better choices.

Life is a journey. If you were told it was going to be a bucket of roses.. well that's not the truth. It's not supposed to be a grand o'day every day.. if it was how would you know how to be happy. That's why you need to cry to be able to be laugh. You need to be sad to be able to happy. You need to be mad to feel the hurt. So that you can move forward. It's up to you to take each moment and realize what it is to help yourself to live, love and learn. No one said it would be easy:)