Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Week Fourteen : Thanksgivings


This year is my hardest. I've always gave thanks for everything that I have. I go to church to give thanks for what GOD has given me. With that I am absolutely sadden.

A year ago.. :) I loved my life. And I've lived with ED for 17 yrs.. getting close to 18 yrs. Now this fight against Ed feels like it's destroying me! I'm confused and alone ..

I would give thanks that I am still alive and kicking =)

I have a husband that for one reason or another has stood by me.. he's stood by me!

I have 3 beautiful boys!!!!!

They are frustrating that's for sure. Hard. Not because they are not trying but because I am trying to fight Ed so much that it's so hard to now handle them and I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I can't do enough.

I am trying to keep this as lite as I can but I am in a real low place and I'm trying to not be. I just don't have the energy right now to fight against Ed, or my doctor, or my t. Or then dealing with the boys homework/sports/clothes/cleaning. Trying to figure out times for me to just be able to relax and be alone. My only alone place is the bathroom. So I am just in a tough spot.

To go back.. To end it.. I give thanks that God blessed me with 3 boys.. and that I am some reason still alive. I hope to believe that he has something more for me.. *fingers crossed*.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Week Thirteen : Forgiveness

Okay I have to start off that I am totally pissed off because I went to publish my whole thing and for some reason it deleted it along with another that I had intended to delete. So to say that pretty much not in a good mood!
Forgiveness is hard for me!
I don't know how to explain it .. because I do say I forgive you and I want to forgive you but I will hold onto whatever it was that you did to me until your proven to me that you had actually chosen a different way or you actually felt bad for how you have wronged me .. I just can't let that go!
The hardest thing is tho .. I'll give you so many chances. I will constantly let you disappoint me and hurt me only so that some reason some way we can have a relationship. Whether it's my husband, my mom, my friends.. other people .. I will constantly let you in and everytime it just gets harder when you fail me.
I don't think I'm asking for much.. I really don't. If you want to be honest with me and it's something that hurts.. I won't like it in that moment but after thinking about it I will understand you were just trying to help and I'm then fine with it. I don't want to fight anymore I just think life is to short for that crap!
I can't forgive my mother. Hah, I don't even think she'd apologize for anything. She'd probably just say that's what a mom is supposed to be there I'm not there to be your friend.. blah blah blah. I shouldn't say I can't forgive her.. because I in a way have. I'm trying to move forward with her in my life before either she or I dies .. so I have in a sense said okay you were 11 or when I was 5.. that was so long ago.. your 31 now you have to release that.
Then comes a whole knew thing.. I worked for a woman in college at a daycare center and ya.. I worked there for 3 years she took care of my son and I did everything I could for her. I told her of Ed and when I met my husb and had to quit just because I was graduating and needed to make more money and apparently I upsetted her, she went to another person in my work (who I didn't know) and told them about my Ed and just to watch me .. watch me eat and look what I'm doing to Brayden. For god sakes I'm sorry he's 3! He didn't know shit from shit. And WHY would you do that?? What was her purpose.. oh just to say how I'm I don't know crazy and just a horrible person and mother??? Sorry!! SORRY! I am not the best. I try tho .. God knows I try!
But I continue to let everyone and everything push me to ED. I can't say it enough.. Ed has been my backbone, NoOne else has ever shown me that they were there for me and appreicated me just in that moment. No you don't need to like me in every moment.. but every once in a while would be nice.
Forgiveness.. I need to learn more of it to be acceptable. I like to say that I forgive you.. but.. But I hate that word but, I will never forget the damage you

Friday, November 4, 2011

Week Twelve: Those ones in my life

I know I suggested this topic.. so first and foremost I hope it's alright with all of you.

When it comes to the person or persons in my life.. here they are

That's my mother/dad/brothers/sister-in-laws/brother-in-law/nieces/nephews/and my husband and children.

We for the most part are a really happy family. We get along well. We love to laugh and joke with one another. I love being around them.. but I don't get to often now since the move.

Guess that's life tho .. moving on. So now this is my .. I don't even have a word for it..

I don't want to say this is my 'new family'.. cause they are apart of my old. But it's just different ..which different and change and me.. don't mix well!

It's hard too with Ed.. cause now everyone knows of Ed but not everyone is so supportive. So it's really hard dealing with them .. deciding if they should be apart of my life further .. or if I just need to 'take a break'?! I'm very undecided on that.

The one thing that I am decided on .. is I LOVE MY FAMILY!!

The one that I know that I can always depend on is my sister:) Just thinking about her makes me smile! She's always there.. not matter what time of day or night! And trust me there's been nights!! Just for some reason she's never gaven up on me!

I remember when I was in 7th grade on vball and she was helping coach and she was like picture the ball as a head of someone you are hating.. well at that time.. it was her. I don't like that anymore. I mean I was at least able to serve really well but now looking back and how much she's always been there for me.. thick and thin. Just hate it.. hate me!

One time haha.. we were swimming.. I was gosh 18 so she would have been 25ish.. maybe 26?! Anyways.. Uck.. that was actually at a really bad part of my life a point that I'd rather not go into right now.. but we were swimming in a tube and just laying there talking. Anyways ended up clear across the lake and I had to swim us back to the shore. I don't know how to express my feelings to my sister at all. She's the best person I've ever been blessed with in this world. Just wished I would have asked for her and trusted her before now. Cause now I'm sad and guilty and just confused.

And when I speak of family..
he's my other Big part of my family.. my nephew.He came into my life when I was 11.. and it was such an impact. And that kid has got to be one of the greatest kids that I know!!! Just a lot happened at that time.. with my parents and sister (she was only 17) and just life took it's tole I guess.. ?!?! But I love him to death!!!

Well actually there's a lot of people that I can bring into that were important. .. Some that are no longer in my life probably because of Ed maybe?! Or maybe just because of the way life takes us.. but Ed has a way of saying things differently.

Anyways.. my life is now surrounded by my husband and children.
And they are so fun Do Not Get Me Wrong!!:) I LOVE them to death!!!

So my family are probably the most imporatant people in my life! They at times are not the ones I want to be around but I have this feeling that I need family and I want family. And I will teach my children that family are always there! That they'll be your strongest supporters and wanting the best for you. Those are my most important people!