Okay I have to start off that I am totally pissed off because I went to publish my whole thing and for some reason it deleted it along with another that I had intended to delete. So to say that pretty much not in a good mood!
Forgiveness is hard for me!
I don't know how to explain it .. because I do say I forgive you and I want to forgive you but I will hold onto whatever it was that you did to me until your proven to me that you had actually chosen a different way or you actually felt bad for how you have wronged me .. I just can't let that go!
The hardest thing is tho .. I'll give you so many chances. I will constantly let you disappoint me and hurt me only so that some reason some way we can have a relationship. Whether it's my husband, my mom, my friends.. other people .. I will constantly let you in and everytime it just gets harder when you fail me.
I don't think I'm asking for much.. I really don't. If you want to be honest with me and it's something that hurts.. I won't like it in that moment but after thinking about it I will understand you were just trying to help and I'm then fine with it. I don't want to fight anymore I just think life is to short for that crap!
I can't forgive my mother. Hah, I don't even think she'd apologize for anything. She'd probably just say that's what a mom is supposed to be there I'm not there to be your friend.. blah blah blah. I shouldn't say I can't forgive her.. because I in a way have. I'm trying to move forward with her in my life before either she or I dies .. so I have in a sense said okay you were 11 or when I was 5.. that was so long ago.. your 31 now you have to release that.
Then comes a whole knew thing.. I worked for a woman in college at a daycare center and ya.. I worked there for 3 years she took care of my son and I did everything I could for her. I told her of Ed and when I met my husb and had to quit just because I was graduating and needed to make more money and apparently I upsetted her, she went to another person in my work (who I didn't know) and told them about my Ed and just to watch me .. watch me eat and look what I'm doing to Brayden. For god sakes I'm sorry he's 3! He didn't know shit from shit. And WHY would you do that?? What was her purpose.. oh just to say how I'm I don't know crazy and just a horrible person and mother??? Sorry!! SORRY! I am not the best. I try tho .. God knows I try!
But I continue to let everyone and everything push me to ED. I can't say it enough.. Ed has been my backbone, NoOne else has ever shown me that they were there for me and appreicated me just in that moment. No you don't need to like me in every moment.. but every once in a while would be nice.
Forgiveness.. I need to learn more of it to be acceptable. I like to say that I forgive you.. but.. But I hate that word but, I will never forget the damage you
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