My Week 9: Egg Shells

Egg shells" .. people always refer to them don't they?!

I'm tired of 'egg shells'! I just don't want to play by someone elses rules. When does it become my rules?! Why do I constantly have to say the right thing or do the right thing. Sorry sometimes I f*** up! =) What can I say?! Obviously I am not perfect. Things that come out of me and what I think might not be the way intended.. sorry but hey that's me!

What I feel is what I feel. Sometimes I'm all over the place. Happy then sad, usually mad cause mad is so much easier then crying and being hurt. And really Ed loves Mad. He'll tell me don't let them see you cry don't let them see that your hurt. Put that smile on and everything will be just great. Look how you can pretend that your just fine and they don't affect you at all! See you beat them!

Instead I didn't beat anyone except myself!

At everything I have to be 'perfect'. Ug! I'm far from perfect. Is there even a perfect?! I wouldn't think so but you have to stretch as far as you can to get to that perfect right?? no.. No no wait!

I am perfect. I am perfect .. perfect with my flaws. Now if I could only kick Ed arse to the side:) That's my hard part!

I Luckily have my husband by my side..
I don't know what I would do without him. I worried that I'll lose him after all this battle I guess time will only tell. But I couldn't ask for more for someone to be patient/worried/upset all at the same time dealing with me and with Ed.

I guess one hand it's hard to understand why he'd stay by me?? It's hard for me to feel love. To actually believe that I'm loved.. I don't know why I feel not worth it but at the same time I feel like I deserve a respect. Like I deserved to be treated a certain way.. it's just a I'm not even sure how to say it but like I deserve a respect or a way to be treated but then again I'm not worth it. Guess that's me and Ed battling ?!?!

Thought this was cute!=)

this litte pic.. it's like move over bitch! Saying I'm not going to worry about you I need to worry about me! And I need to do that. Only problem is I'm in that stuck place trying to let go of what I know and what I need to do.

I tend to just forget. Pretend it doesn't or didn't happen. I think that's why I love the sky so much.

"You can just get lost in it.

Day or Night. Clouds or Stars. Just calming and I don't have to feel or think anything except to just be..

I honestly do not feel like I'm asking for much.. I don't need money, a new car, a new dress a new anything.. I just want to feel calm. I want to feel that beautiful part of being in a rocker on my porch just listening to the simple parts of life and being able to smile at it.

So week 9. I am confused/lost and all over the place. I know what I want in the end just haven't problems getting there. But I do believe that I'll get to that beautiful cloud that just is. I need to look more into myself and believe more in myself and I think .. I believe I can and will get there.. Just might take me some time.