This is a picture of a star going into a black hole. That is where I feel right now. I am struggling to pull myself out of this black hole (aka ED) Unfortunately for this star it got sucked in.. I'm refusing to allow myself to get completely sucked in. I mean I obviously have been consumed but I feel like I'm pulling myself out of this black hole instead of disappearing.
Now obviously ... everyday it's not easy. Actually each moment isn't easy. I have a hard time talking on how I feel because for so long I've just pushed my feelings aside. I want to be stronger and more beautiful, when in reality I need to see how strong and beautiful I really am. But right now Ed is that black hold pulling me in.. sucking me in!
Thing about it all is I want this recovery. I want to wake up one day and just feel like it's okay. If I weighed 300 lbs. or I weighed 100 lbs. That God gave me this life and that I could finally cherish what God gave me instead of thinking that I need to correct what he blessed me with. I am still striving to understand to learn how to be blessed with what God graced me with. That I am worthy, but I need to see myself as worthy too.
So this week I've had a hard time with that thought.. it's frustrated me and made me feel up and down .. nothing against anyone but myself. I keep constantly listening to the song by tenth avenue north, you are more. I am trying so hard to feel that I am important I am worthy of this life that I am who I feel like I am. That it's not just ed. That I have a good heart and I am a good person, and I really REALLY don't want to hurt anymore..
So eventhough I have this thoughts and feelings of being sucked in.. this is what I want and desire..
That resembles the beauty I want for my life. To look out and just breath and smile and let my life take me in a direction that God wanted for me. And to me sitting there looking at this picture.. I would just feel calm and that's what I want more then anything. So that's my week:)
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