Week 28 : Where would I have been

Where I would have been without Ed?

Well, I first off wonder how much more I would have pushed myself. In sports, I was good but I settled for what I did. I mean I just kind of think that I could have ran that much hard I could have went up to the gym that many more times. Instead Ed would say oh your fine, I mean your already on Varsity and no one else in your class is. And your starting before Sophomores and Juniors. But now looking back, I should have pushed more. My life could have went into a many different directions.

And then it goes to college, because I did get scholarship. I really didn't even want to talk to any of the scouts because we just lost State Volleyball after playing for 6 hrs (lasted til 1 in the morning) and we lost. I took the responsibility for it. I could have I SHOULD have done something more. But nope Ed kept telling me I'm doing everything that was good enough for it. So scouts are calling and what they are saying are going into one ear and out the other.

So I'm looking at colleges, and for some reason I didn't want to go to those colleges offering full scholarships. Not even the ones offering the 4 yr scholarship with money each semester. I instead want to go to this college that I talked to but they hadn't heard so much about me so I would have to send a video of me playing both basketball and volleyball. And that there was a good chance I would just have to work out and prove myself out at tryouts. This college was about 12 hrs away from where I lived and I was dead set on it. But that didn't happen.

I hated the college I went to. Didn't like playing. The girls were snobby like the whole year to me and it just fueled Ed. I didn't care about going to classes, and then when I was still getting B's and A's some C's.. it just helped Ed do that whole thing of see you don't even need to go to class. So most classes I didn't even attend so not sure how I passed. After 4 yrs I got my Bachelors and then it started all over of where am I going to go. Get the hell out of here.

Met Tom the week of graduation and then we were together since. I'm pretty honest with him so I know he knows this. But there was this one guy I met and we definitely had something, but Ed always just said "Are you Serious" "Have you looked in the mirror" "Your losing your mind" .. so I blew him off.

I know that sounds horrible because Tom and I have been together for 9 yrs.. and it's definitely been bumpy. But when I think about it .. I couldn't have seen anyone else staying next to me to try to get me on a better track and get healthy.

But I figure in a way. I can look back and say 'What If'. That's not going to help me though to move ahead. I can't be happy if I'm looking with my head over my shoulder. I'm going to end up missing what's standing in front of me.

SO Where would I have been? I say right now where I am. I have a husband standing next to me, 3 beautiful boys. A big family that I love. And great friends who at anytime can be there. That's where I am:)