Week Seventeen: Short/Long Term Goals

I can't see anything right now. Short or Long

I am stuck just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Dealing with a lot of crap that I shouldn't. That's making me feel so alone because no one has been threw it.

The only goal that I can think of is just being happy. Just sitting back and looking and just smiling. Feeling good at that moment. How to get there.. I have NO FRICKIN Clue!

I know to expect everything to be happy go lucky is just .. I mean there's no way.. That's why God created us .. to be sad and hurt to feel the joys of love and happiness. I Believe That!

I don't have any goals right now, and maybe I need to start to try to figure that out. Right now I'm just trying to avoid what's coming to me, which isn't avoidable .. it's coming.

Week Sixteen: Giving

Giving =)

There is something so great about it! Nothing and No one that could ever take it away from me!! One thing at least that no one can take that feeling away.

I have to go back here.. not too long ago.. about a yr.. maybe not even a yr. I had gone to the store to pick out a gift for Kyler's friend bday party. We came to the stop light and there was a woman standing there with a sign. I actually did have cash but I did lie and say that I didn't have any cash but that I would go to the fast food restaurant and buy her food. Kyler was only 5 at that time.. and he had a ton of questions. Asking why she needed food.. why she didn't have a home.. why she was asking for money. I tried my best to tell him that some ppl just don't have what we have. And we don't have a lot. It's not like we got whatever it is that anyone could have.. but I do try to give my children as much as a I can give them. They matter so much more then I do.

So this one particular day after we gave the food. Kyler says 'she said we were kind'. He was so proud that this lady (whether or not she has money or not)gave him this smile on his face to make him feel proud that he helped someone else.

After we gave her the food.. Ky was so cute. He said he was going to take out all of his money and buy her a house so that she had somewhere to live and go home to.

If that is the only thing that I can give to my children is for them to see others for just the simple being of God's creation then I can leave this world being happy.

As for that particular day it will never be forgotten. I got to experienced that joy that you might have helped someone gave them hope and see that my child saw that.. It's probably the biggest part that he saw how to treat another person regardless or what they have or don't have. And that no matter what someone might be trying to take from you that you can give .. that giving is something more then taking. And that sometimes there are definitely those moments that others Need more then what you have. And I do definitely believe that if that those people that just take..

I'm sick tho of seeing ppl say well I gave this much or that. When you give you don't keep track. You might remember because it impacted you but you don't say within one year I did this much for that group or that person. No .. I don't agree with that. What gives you that right.. oh to have others give you that atta boy?? Good for you ?? really? REALLY? Just tired of others feeling that they need someone to pat them on the back for actually being kind. For actually stepping aside in the grocery line and letting someone go before them because they have less. Or because your not really that busy. To allow someone to pull out in front of you and just say okay .. nothing more don't honk your horn. Just say that didn't do anything to me except gave me another 2 seconds to be here. TO BE HERE!

Giving is supposed to between you and them. Not to everyone else. So giving doesn't have to be money necessarily .. a bill a coin. But my mind in how I think of money is a whole different mindset.


Giving can protecting. Do we always do it right.. yep nope.. But to know that someone is there behind you .. being there as much as they can. That is alone a gift too.

So what someone gives me can be kind it works. Can be a smile. They give me these snapshots in my mind that make me feel good. Those are the best givings!!!! ... to me anyways..

Week Fifteen: HP

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do week 15. And then I came across this.

To think of being happy right now seems like such a stretch. So much has been happening lately that just makes me feel like I am being buried alive. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe and I have the world against me. Seems like if anything can go wrong right now.. it's going wrong.

Then this picture comes along. And it relaxes me in some way. That he has me. That I might be hurting and sad right now but he's going to be my light that brings me out of this gloom.

All I have anymore is faith and hope. Guess that's probably what you are supposed to have right? They are just starting to come in though. It's been hard to let go and think that he has something better planned for me and it doesn't matter what I look like to achieve what God has planned for me. I'm sure he probably knows better then I do.





I have to let go and believe that something else is out there .. I have to trust in him. I am doing that.. just slowly. And I'm hoping that I'll be able to open up more. It is just hard when others hurt me to believe .. ya ..

But I do believe in God. I just have to hand over the reigns to him and truly trust in his path.

Week Fourteen : Thanksgivings

THANKSGIVING

This year is my hardest. I've always gave thanks for everything that I have. I go to church to give thanks for what GOD has given me. With that I am absolutely sadden.

A year ago.. :) I loved my life. And I've lived with ED for 17 yrs.. getting close to 18 yrs. Now this fight against Ed feels like it's destroying me! I'm confused and alone ..

I would give thanks that I am still alive and kicking =)

I have a husband that for one reason or another has stood by me.. he's stood by me!

I have 3 beautiful boys!!!!!

They are frustrating that's for sure. Hard. Not because they are not trying but because I am trying to fight Ed so much that it's so hard to now handle them and I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I can't do enough.

I am trying to keep this as lite as I can but I am in a real low place and I'm trying to not be. I just don't have the energy right now to fight against Ed, or my doctor, or my t. Or then dealing with the boys homework/sports/clothes/cleaning. Trying to figure out times for me to just be able to relax and be alone. My only alone place is the bathroom. So I am just in a tough spot.

To go back.. To end it.. I give thanks that God blessed me with 3 boys.. and that I am some reason still alive. I hope to believe that he has something more for me.. *fingers crossed*.

Week Thirteen : Forgiveness

Okay I have to start off that I am totally pissed off because I went to publish my whole thing and for some reason it deleted it along with another that I had intended to delete. So to say that pretty much not in a good mood!

Forgiveness is hard for me!

I don't know how to explain it .. because I do say I forgive you and I want to forgive you but I will hold onto whatever it was that you did to me until your proven to me that you had actually chosen a different way or you actually felt bad for how you have wronged me .. I just can't let that go!

The hardest thing is tho .. I'll give you so many chances. I will constantly let you disappoint me and hurt me only so that some reason some way we can have a relationship. Whether it's my husband, my mom, my friends.. other people .. I will constantly let you in and everytime it just gets harder when you fail me.

I don't think I'm asking for much.. I really don't. If you want to be honest with me and it's something that hurts.. I won't like it in that moment but after thinking about it I will understand you were just trying to help and I'm then fine with it. I don't want to fight anymore I just think life is to short for that crap!

I can't forgive my mother. Hah, I don't even think she'd apologize for anything. She'd probably just say that's what a mom is supposed to be there I'm not there to be your friend.. blah blah blah. I shouldn't say I can't forgive her.. because I in a way have. I'm trying to move forward with her in my life before either she or I dies .. so I have in a sense said okay you were 11 or when I was 5.. that was so long ago.. your 31 now you have to release that.

Then comes a whole knew thing.. I worked for a woman in college at a daycare center and ya.. I worked there for 3 years she took care of my son and I did everything I could for her. I told her of Ed and when I met my husb and had to quit just because I was graduating and needed to make more money and apparently I upsetted her, she went to another person in my work (who I didn't know) and told them about my Ed and just to watch me .. watch me eat and look what I'm doing to Brayden. For god sakes I'm sorry he's 3! He didn't know shit from shit. And WHY would you do that?? What was her purpose.. oh just to say how I'm I don't know crazy and just a horrible person and mother??? Sorry!! SORRY! I am not the best. I try tho .. God knows I try!

But I continue to let everyone and everything push me to ED. I can't say it enough.. Ed has been my backbone, NoOne else has ever shown me that they were there for me and appreicated me just in that moment. No you don't need to like me in every moment.. but every once in a while would be nice.

Forgiveness.. I need to learn more of it to be acceptable. I like to say that I forgive you.. but.. But I hate that word but, I will never forget the damage you

Week Twelve: Those ones in my life

I know I suggested this topic.. so first and foremost I hope it's alright with all of you.

When it comes to the person or persons in my life.. here they are

That's my mother/dad/brothers/sister-in-laws/brother-in-law/nieces/nephews/and my husband and children.

We for the most part are a really happy family. We get along well. We love to laugh and joke with one another. I love being around them.. but I don't get to often now since the move.

Guess that's life tho .. moving on. So now this is my .. I don't even have a word for it..

I don't want to say this is my 'new family'.. cause they are apart of my old. But it's just different ..which different and change and me.. don't mix well!

It's hard too with Ed.. cause now everyone knows of Ed but not everyone is so supportive. So it's really hard dealing with them .. deciding if they should be apart of my life further .. or if I just need to 'take a break'?! I'm very undecided on that.

The one thing that I am decided on .. is I LOVE MY FAMILY!!

The one that I know that I can always depend on is my sister:) Just thinking about her makes me smile! She's always there.. not matter what time of day or night! And trust me there's been nights!! Just for some reason she's never gaven up on me!

I remember when I was in 7th grade on vball and she was helping coach and she was like picture the ball as a head of someone you are hating.. well at that time.. it was her. I don't like that anymore. I mean I was at least able to serve really well but now looking back and how much she's always been there for me.. thick and thin. Just hate it.. hate me!

One time haha.. we were swimming.. I was gosh 18 so she would have been 25ish.. maybe 26?! Anyways.. Uck.. that was actually at a really bad part of my life a point that I'd rather not go into right now.. but we were swimming in a tube and just laying there talking. Anyways ended up clear across the lake and I had to swim us back to the shore. I don't know how to express my feelings to my sister at all. She's the best person I've ever been blessed with in this world. Just wished I would have asked for her and trusted her before now. Cause now I'm sad and guilty and just confused.

And when I speak of family..
he's my other Big part of my family.. my nephew.He came into my life when I was 11.. and it was such an impact. And that kid has got to be one of the greatest kids that I know!!! Just a lot happened at that time.. with my parents and sister (she was only 17) and just life took it's tole I guess.. ?!?! But I love him to death!!!

Well actually there's a lot of people that I can bring into that were important. .. Some that are no longer in my life probably because of Ed maybe?! Or maybe just because of the way life takes us.. but Ed has a way of saying things differently.

Anyways.. my life is now surrounded by my husband and children.
And they are so fun Do Not Get Me Wrong!!:) I LOVE them to death!!!

So my family are probably the most imporatant people in my life! They at times are not the ones I want to be around but I have this feeling that I need family and I want family. And I will teach my children that family are always there! That they'll be your strongest supporters and wanting the best for you. Those are my most important people!

Week Eleven: Recovery

Oh my lord.. Recovery.. RECOVERY?!?! Hmm.. Ya that's almost like
a big term to me right now!
Why do I want recovery.. somedays I'm not sure why I want
recovery. Somedays recovery isn't a thought. Ed does a well good job of taking
that over and making sure of not dealing with recovery. But really I don't want
to die from this.. I don't want my children putting my body into the ground and
having to live their life saying well my mom choose to do this. No I didn't
really choose to have Ed.. Ed just came apart of me and pulling myself away
isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom today said it's like quiting smoking. And my remark back
was laughing and saying how many times did you try to quit!? This is my first
time. Kind of a f*** off thing!
Long term goals.. that's easy .. I want to spend the rest of my
life with Tom. I want to just relax and be with him and have fun. When I say
fun I mean sitting on the porch swing or just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating.. aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will be something better then what I am living now!
or
just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able
to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile
and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day
and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating..
aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life
will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will
be something better then what I am living now!

Week Ten: Accomplishments

Me and accomplishments are always up and down!

Lets see when I was in highschool I did strive, I played basketball, volleyball, and track. I have a lot of medals and placks that I have wanted to throw away because that part of my life is gone and they seem to mean nothing to me. I think it's because I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't push just a little more. Why I didn't just do a little more?! But Tom has convinced me to hold onto them .. so maybe one day I'll look at them and be proud of what I did do. I hope so..

I did have a scholarship to my college for volleyball. I actually am proud to say that I got offers to 8 different schools and the one school I wanted to go to my parents wouldn't allow me to so I was stuck at the one. And then well ..

I was blessed with a beautiful wonderful boy. =) It was really hard going through that all.. having to tell my team my coach my family haha not funny but ya. I did try back out for the team that next spring but it was going to be too much time away from Brayden and also doing school work. Having to pay for a babysitter.. just too much.

So when it comes to accomplishments now I think of them differently then saying I got first place or went to state and we won. My accomplishments are these three..



There are my days that I could am probably am insane. But at the sametime I live right now for them. I try to teach them how to teach each other telling them constantly no matter what or who noone else will ever be their brother. They have just each other and to always be there for one another. To be kind because it sucks the way others treat one another. These three are my BIGGEST accomplishments! And I'll make sure that I can do everything possible to give them a wonderful life. One that when they are older will hopefully not be too disappointed =) fingers crossed!

I mean I did get my bacholars in a Composite of Social Science that if I were to teach I could teach 6 different subjects. I loved school. Hating doing the work but I loved listening and learning different things. Specially history. Also have a Major in History because I just happened to take so many classes in it lol!

My accomplishments might seem simple or not as .. oh.. I can't think of the word.. but they are mine. They are three boys that I'm raising .. trying to do my best and give them the world. Give them something more.. All that other stuff seems nothing to me right now. I need to give my children the world so my great accomplishment will seeing my boys happy and smiling. I love them to death and they make me smile and laugh.. oh and don't get me wrong they are not angels at all=) but they are wonderful boys I believe. What parent doesn't think that way right ?! Lol.

So that's it that's my accomplishment. I gave birth to 3 beautiful boys who have impacted my world in a wonderful way.

My Week 9: Egg Shells

Egg shells" .. people always refer to them don't they?!

I'm tired of 'egg shells'! I just don't want to play by someone elses rules. When does it become my rules?! Why do I constantly have to say the right thing or do the right thing. Sorry sometimes I f*** up! =) What can I say?! Obviously I am not perfect. Things that come out of me and what I think might not be the way intended.. sorry but hey that's me!

What I feel is what I feel. Sometimes I'm all over the place. Happy then sad, usually mad cause mad is so much easier then crying and being hurt. And really Ed loves Mad. He'll tell me don't let them see you cry don't let them see that your hurt. Put that smile on and everything will be just great. Look how you can pretend that your just fine and they don't affect you at all! See you beat them!

Instead I didn't beat anyone except myself!

At everything I have to be 'perfect'. Ug! I'm far from perfect. Is there even a perfect?! I wouldn't think so but you have to stretch as far as you can to get to that perfect right?? no.. No no wait!

I am perfect. I am perfect .. perfect with my flaws. Now if I could only kick Ed arse to the side:) That's my hard part!

I Luckily have my husband by my side..
I don't know what I would do without him. I worried that I'll lose him after all this battle I guess time will only tell. But I couldn't ask for more for someone to be patient/worried/upset all at the same time dealing with me and with Ed.

I guess one hand it's hard to understand why he'd stay by me?? It's hard for me to feel love. To actually believe that I'm loved.. I don't know why I feel not worth it but at the same time I feel like I deserve a respect. Like I deserved to be treated a certain way.. it's just a I'm not even sure how to say it but like I deserve a respect or a way to be treated but then again I'm not worth it. Guess that's me and Ed battling ?!?!

Thought this was cute!=)

this litte pic.. it's like move over bitch! Saying I'm not going to worry about you I need to worry about me! And I need to do that. Only problem is I'm in that stuck place trying to let go of what I know and what I need to do.

I tend to just forget. Pretend it doesn't or didn't happen. I think that's why I love the sky so much.

"You can just get lost in it.

Day or Night. Clouds or Stars. Just calming and I don't have to feel or think anything except to just be..

I honestly do not feel like I'm asking for much.. I don't need money, a new car, a new dress a new anything.. I just want to feel calm. I want to feel that beautiful part of being in a rocker on my porch just listening to the simple parts of life and being able to smile at it.

So week 9. I am confused/lost and all over the place. I know what I want in the end just haven't problems getting there. But I do believe that I'll get to that beautiful cloud that just is. I need to look more into myself and believe more in myself and I think .. I believe I can and will get there.. Just might take me some time.

Week Eight: Fears

Fears..

Where to start is the question. My fears are emotional ones. I mean ya I don't like to see a huge spider.. snakes I could careless to hold onto.. but when I think of being sad and hurt that is my fear... staying sad and hurt, cause unfortunately that is where I am right now in life.


One of me fears is losing my family somehow. Ever since I was younger I always had these nightmares that someone broke into the house and destroyed my home but someone I would survive.. without them. I will just wake up in the night just crying .. bawling. Sobbing for no reason. Really they are all fine and here .. and I felt like I lost them some how and I was uncontrollably crying feeling as if I would if something really did happen.


Last year my mother-in-law took my 6 yr old to school last year and dropped him off.. I was just so happy because for once I was at home alone. Able to just relax and do whatever by myself. I didn't have to worry about this and that. Then there's this frantic twisting of my door handle.. and I instantly thought someone is trying to break in.. I opened it up and here it's Kyler crying. She had dropped him off an hour early. Luckily I had been coming to school dropping off his scooter to ride home with his brother so he at least knew the way home but it is a good 2 miles away. When he came in the house crying I melted down. All I could think was the horrible things that would have happened while I was at home reading and he could have been ripped away from me and I would have never forgiven myself for that!


My other fear is life without ED. I'm so conflicted because I want to be rid of ed so that I'm healthy but at the same time I don't know if I'll like me without him. I have the uncontrollable fear that if I don't have ed in my life I'll be alone and with nothing. That somehow what I feared about my family would come true and I wouldn't even have ed to rely on.


But as that's said in that same breath is.. I'm dying. I'm killing myself. Slowly but surely killing myself. I mean I'm 30 and over half my life living with Ed it's taken it's tole. I don't want my children to have to say goodbye to me and to know that was the reason. To have to go through life and say I don't have my mom anymore because she was selfish in the fact of controlling and body wise. That's not fair to them! I fear I'm just a huge disappointment, and I can't seem to get by that.


So I just stay in this spot wishing to disappear from feelings and thoughts and just be numb. All I have for feelings are hurt and sadness and I'm so tired of feeling like that. I want to just be at a calm state. I just want to smile and really just smile not forcing it not pretending.

Week Seven: Words that give me meaning..

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

This week was pretty easy for me. I listen to this song probably 20-30 times a day. I honestly feel like the more times I hear the words the more it'll get into my head and I'll believe it and I can then move forward.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

As for knowing who I am.. I'm really confused. I can't grasp it. I don't know .. my mind runs wild. But I do feel that I am strong enough and that I AM MORE THEN EVERYTHING THAT'S GONE ON. That I can be better. That I will smile in the end.

That I will see the beauty that I deserve to see. In my smile, in my eyes, in anyone that I walk by. So these are what I want to share..

Week Six: How I am Now.. Sept 2011

This is a picture of a star going into a black hole. That is where I feel right now. I am struggling to pull myself out of this black hole (aka ED) Unfortunately for this star it got sucked in.. I'm refusing to allow myself to get completely sucked in. I mean I obviously have been consumed but I feel like I'm pulling myself out of this black hole instead of disappearing.

Now obviously ... everyday it's not easy. Actually each moment isn't easy. I have a hard time talking on how I feel because for so long I've just pushed my feelings aside. I want to be stronger and more beautiful, when in reality I need to see how strong and beautiful I really am. But right now Ed is that black hold pulling me in.. sucking me in!

Thing about it all is I want this recovery. I want to wake up one day and just feel like it's okay. If I weighed 300 lbs. or I weighed 100 lbs. That God gave me this life and that I could finally cherish what God gave me instead of thinking that I need to correct what he blessed me with. I am still striving to understand to learn how to be blessed with what God graced me with. That I am worthy, but I need to see myself as worthy too.

So this week I've had a hard time with that thought.. it's frustrated me and made me feel up and down .. nothing against anyone but myself. I keep constantly listening to the song by tenth avenue north, you are more. I am trying so hard to feel that I am important I am worthy of this life that I am who I feel like I am. That it's not just ed. That I have a good heart and I am a good person, and I really REALLY don't want to hurt anymore..

So eventhough I have this thoughts and feelings of being sucked in.. this is what I want and desire..


That resembles the beauty I want for my life. To look out and just breath and smile and let my life take me in a direction that God wanted for me. And to me sitting there looking at this picture.. I would just feel calm and that's what I want more then anything. So that's my week:)

Week Five: Sunshine

When asked what is one of my favorite moments in life.. it would be without a doubt being in the field with my brother!

So my brother who is 5 yrs older then me would go out with my dad to check on the cows. And I only remember this one time this one summer. When the sun was shinning and everything just seemed to peaceful and calm. We'd ride in the back of the pick up which also sucked because it was always bumpy and you'd bounce all around hurting just about every part of your body.

Well, this particular memory.. my brother and I kept playing this like catch up game. We'd hop out of the truck and would run to jump in on the tailgate. The one time that just makes me laugh like no other is when my brother sat there longer then usual. And my dad not even paying attention to what we were doing picked up speed at the same time Bobby started to run.. so he was running after the pick up and I had to get to the front to yell at my dad. He laughed and stopped and Bob got in. I'm not sure why it was a such a great memory. Some reason some why it hits home.

So that's my well at least one of a lot of smiles that I do have. But that memory is a BIG hold in my life. I love this memory and I'll never let it go!

Week Four: Aspirations

So this week I had a really hard time with this. Everytime I would think about it I would come up almost blank, except that I just wanted to be happy in the end. It was like no it can't be my mom, my brothers.. eh. They've done a lot to be proud of, but to aspire me .. just didn't feel it. My dad, I respect him so much. He's a hard worker and just always there for me if I ever asked, but I don't:) haha! Then there's my sister. Almost again like my brothers, love em to death, but my aspirations I wanted to think of on how to get me to a better life.

Then it hit me. My aspirations are all of you. How strong you are. How much you care for others when your also worrying about yourself. That you put a lot into others to help with their issues, my issues. :) And how much fight you all have in you. That everyday regardless, you still pick yourself up and go. Might be hard but you do it! That you have the desire and the willing to fight.

Some I have found have made it thru the challenges others we are challenging it. Not everyday is it good, or every moment. But in the long run I feel that there is no one else I'd rather make this change with! That somehow someway we will pull thru and in the end we'll be able to look back and see how much we grew helping each other, holding each other up, laughing and smiling with another.

With that said :) Loves to you all!! We'll keep on fighting and growing together! WE WILL DO THIS!

Week Three: My Influences

Probably my biggest influence is my dad. He's always had a positive outlook and just smiles. But I also feel like he hides a lot under that smile. My dad has always made me laugh. Maybe it's cause I'm spoiled by him to lol! I remember one time. I got blaimed for my brother breaking something and my dad was supposed to spank me 10 times. I was crying before he even bent me over his knee. He said he was only going to give me one and just to continue to cry so that my mom 'bought it'. Somehow from that day on.. he was in my corner. I should have trusted him more, unfortunately I didn't.

My other influence is my sister. God I love her more then I know. She has ALWAYS been there for me. I know that in a heartbeat if I needed her she'd do whatever she could to make it happen. I can count on being honest with her without her judging me or being I guess rude. She's just there. And it really is a great thing to know that and to feel loved by her.

Another influence is my husband. He has stood by me for the past 8 years when he could have easily walked away. He does everything that he can and I appreciate him more then he'll probably ever know.

The last influence is just the world. The beauty of it. Looking at the sky and getting lost and in the calm. Hearing rain or the wind blowing the the trees. I love standing outside and feeling the wind blowing around me. Just everything that is just there to be there.. I really enjoy that.

All of these influences give me hope. It makes me feel that I am WORTH IT. That I can have a good and loving life as long as I put the effort into it.

Week Two: Favority ChildHood Memories

So My favorite childhood memories..
I actually have a few. More like a lot, only cause I chose to remember those times that I smiled instead of those that I cried.

One of my favorite times was going in the field with my dad and brother. We'd always go out and feed the cows and just check on them. But it was just such a quite peaceful environment. Then my brother (who is 5 yrs older then me) started doing these 'dares'. He and I would at different times jump out of the back of the pick up and wait for so long before we'd run and jump back in. Well.. one time Bob jumped out and waited until we were probably about 50 ft ahead.. no if you that don't know.. when your in the field you drive pretty slow, 5 mph. So Bob takes off running and about that time my dad steps on the gas picking it up to maybe 10/15 mph so we are like leaving Bob in the dust and I have to jump up and bang on the window to tell dad to stop. I really enjoyed that day for some reason.

Laughing is my big thing. It gives me such a wonderful feeling. That's why now I love my boys so much and making them smile and laugh, and really enjoy life.

Week One: What is Beauty?

“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.”

What is beauty? Some might say it is your hair, your eyes, your shape. I think of beauty when it is something that is just there. Going for a walk and just listening to sounds. Whether it's the wind blowing through the trees or grass or it's the birds talking. I absolutely love the skies they are to me the most gorgeous creation God did.

Laughter is also the greatest thing. Smiling at someone to have them smile back and just know that some how in some way you might have touched them. That to me is beautiful! Hearing kids laugh cause they are being silly not giving two cents on worrying about how someone thinks of them or even then what will be in the next minute.

At this point I do not even agree with beauty within the eyes of the beholder. God created us.. we are all beautiful because God gave us life.