Week Eleven: Recovery

Oh my lord.. Recovery.. RECOVERY?!?! Hmm.. Ya that's almost like
a big term to me right now!
Why do I want recovery.. somedays I'm not sure why I want
recovery. Somedays recovery isn't a thought. Ed does a well good job of taking
that over and making sure of not dealing with recovery. But really I don't want
to die from this.. I don't want my children putting my body into the ground and
having to live their life saying well my mom choose to do this. No I didn't
really choose to have Ed.. Ed just came apart of me and pulling myself away
isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom today said it's like quiting smoking. And my remark back
was laughing and saying how many times did you try to quit!? This is my first
time. Kind of a f*** off thing!
Long term goals.. that's easy .. I want to spend the rest of my
life with Tom. I want to just relax and be with him and have fun. When I say
fun I mean sitting on the porch swing or just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating.. aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will be something better then what I am living now!
or
just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able
to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile
and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day
and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating..
aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life
will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will
be something better then what I am living now!

Week Ten: Accomplishments

Me and accomplishments are always up and down!

Lets see when I was in highschool I did strive, I played basketball, volleyball, and track. I have a lot of medals and placks that I have wanted to throw away because that part of my life is gone and they seem to mean nothing to me. I think it's because I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't push just a little more. Why I didn't just do a little more?! But Tom has convinced me to hold onto them .. so maybe one day I'll look at them and be proud of what I did do. I hope so..

I did have a scholarship to my college for volleyball. I actually am proud to say that I got offers to 8 different schools and the one school I wanted to go to my parents wouldn't allow me to so I was stuck at the one. And then well ..

I was blessed with a beautiful wonderful boy. =) It was really hard going through that all.. having to tell my team my coach my family haha not funny but ya. I did try back out for the team that next spring but it was going to be too much time away from Brayden and also doing school work. Having to pay for a babysitter.. just too much.

So when it comes to accomplishments now I think of them differently then saying I got first place or went to state and we won. My accomplishments are these three..



There are my days that I could am probably am insane. But at the sametime I live right now for them. I try to teach them how to teach each other telling them constantly no matter what or who noone else will ever be their brother. They have just each other and to always be there for one another. To be kind because it sucks the way others treat one another. These three are my BIGGEST accomplishments! And I'll make sure that I can do everything possible to give them a wonderful life. One that when they are older will hopefully not be too disappointed =) fingers crossed!

I mean I did get my bacholars in a Composite of Social Science that if I were to teach I could teach 6 different subjects. I loved school. Hating doing the work but I loved listening and learning different things. Specially history. Also have a Major in History because I just happened to take so many classes in it lol!

My accomplishments might seem simple or not as .. oh.. I can't think of the word.. but they are mine. They are three boys that I'm raising .. trying to do my best and give them the world. Give them something more.. All that other stuff seems nothing to me right now. I need to give my children the world so my great accomplishment will seeing my boys happy and smiling. I love them to death and they make me smile and laugh.. oh and don't get me wrong they are not angels at all=) but they are wonderful boys I believe. What parent doesn't think that way right ?! Lol.

So that's it that's my accomplishment. I gave birth to 3 beautiful boys who have impacted my world in a wonderful way.

My Week 9: Egg Shells

Egg shells" .. people always refer to them don't they?!

I'm tired of 'egg shells'! I just don't want to play by someone elses rules. When does it become my rules?! Why do I constantly have to say the right thing or do the right thing. Sorry sometimes I f*** up! =) What can I say?! Obviously I am not perfect. Things that come out of me and what I think might not be the way intended.. sorry but hey that's me!

What I feel is what I feel. Sometimes I'm all over the place. Happy then sad, usually mad cause mad is so much easier then crying and being hurt. And really Ed loves Mad. He'll tell me don't let them see you cry don't let them see that your hurt. Put that smile on and everything will be just great. Look how you can pretend that your just fine and they don't affect you at all! See you beat them!

Instead I didn't beat anyone except myself!

At everything I have to be 'perfect'. Ug! I'm far from perfect. Is there even a perfect?! I wouldn't think so but you have to stretch as far as you can to get to that perfect right?? no.. No no wait!

I am perfect. I am perfect .. perfect with my flaws. Now if I could only kick Ed arse to the side:) That's my hard part!

I Luckily have my husband by my side..
I don't know what I would do without him. I worried that I'll lose him after all this battle I guess time will only tell. But I couldn't ask for more for someone to be patient/worried/upset all at the same time dealing with me and with Ed.

I guess one hand it's hard to understand why he'd stay by me?? It's hard for me to feel love. To actually believe that I'm loved.. I don't know why I feel not worth it but at the same time I feel like I deserve a respect. Like I deserved to be treated a certain way.. it's just a I'm not even sure how to say it but like I deserve a respect or a way to be treated but then again I'm not worth it. Guess that's me and Ed battling ?!?!

Thought this was cute!=)

this litte pic.. it's like move over bitch! Saying I'm not going to worry about you I need to worry about me! And I need to do that. Only problem is I'm in that stuck place trying to let go of what I know and what I need to do.

I tend to just forget. Pretend it doesn't or didn't happen. I think that's why I love the sky so much.

"You can just get lost in it.

Day or Night. Clouds or Stars. Just calming and I don't have to feel or think anything except to just be..

I honestly do not feel like I'm asking for much.. I don't need money, a new car, a new dress a new anything.. I just want to feel calm. I want to feel that beautiful part of being in a rocker on my porch just listening to the simple parts of life and being able to smile at it.

So week 9. I am confused/lost and all over the place. I know what I want in the end just haven't problems getting there. But I do believe that I'll get to that beautiful cloud that just is. I need to look more into myself and believe more in myself and I think .. I believe I can and will get there.. Just might take me some time.

Week Eight: Fears

Fears..

Where to start is the question. My fears are emotional ones. I mean ya I don't like to see a huge spider.. snakes I could careless to hold onto.. but when I think of being sad and hurt that is my fear... staying sad and hurt, cause unfortunately that is where I am right now in life.


One of me fears is losing my family somehow. Ever since I was younger I always had these nightmares that someone broke into the house and destroyed my home but someone I would survive.. without them. I will just wake up in the night just crying .. bawling. Sobbing for no reason. Really they are all fine and here .. and I felt like I lost them some how and I was uncontrollably crying feeling as if I would if something really did happen.


Last year my mother-in-law took my 6 yr old to school last year and dropped him off.. I was just so happy because for once I was at home alone. Able to just relax and do whatever by myself. I didn't have to worry about this and that. Then there's this frantic twisting of my door handle.. and I instantly thought someone is trying to break in.. I opened it up and here it's Kyler crying. She had dropped him off an hour early. Luckily I had been coming to school dropping off his scooter to ride home with his brother so he at least knew the way home but it is a good 2 miles away. When he came in the house crying I melted down. All I could think was the horrible things that would have happened while I was at home reading and he could have been ripped away from me and I would have never forgiven myself for that!


My other fear is life without ED. I'm so conflicted because I want to be rid of ed so that I'm healthy but at the same time I don't know if I'll like me without him. I have the uncontrollable fear that if I don't have ed in my life I'll be alone and with nothing. That somehow what I feared about my family would come true and I wouldn't even have ed to rely on.


But as that's said in that same breath is.. I'm dying. I'm killing myself. Slowly but surely killing myself. I mean I'm 30 and over half my life living with Ed it's taken it's tole. I don't want my children to have to say goodbye to me and to know that was the reason. To have to go through life and say I don't have my mom anymore because she was selfish in the fact of controlling and body wise. That's not fair to them! I fear I'm just a huge disappointment, and I can't seem to get by that.


So I just stay in this spot wishing to disappear from feelings and thoughts and just be numb. All I have for feelings are hurt and sadness and I'm so tired of feeling like that. I want to just be at a calm state. I just want to smile and really just smile not forcing it not pretending.

Week Seven: Words that give me meaning..

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

This week was pretty easy for me. I listen to this song probably 20-30 times a day. I honestly feel like the more times I hear the words the more it'll get into my head and I'll believe it and I can then move forward.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

As for knowing who I am.. I'm really confused. I can't grasp it. I don't know .. my mind runs wild. But I do feel that I am strong enough and that I AM MORE THEN EVERYTHING THAT'S GONE ON. That I can be better. That I will smile in the end.

That I will see the beauty that I deserve to see. In my smile, in my eyes, in anyone that I walk by. So these are what I want to share..

Week Six: How I am Now.. Sept 2011

This is a picture of a star going into a black hole. That is where I feel right now. I am struggling to pull myself out of this black hole (aka ED) Unfortunately for this star it got sucked in.. I'm refusing to allow myself to get completely sucked in. I mean I obviously have been consumed but I feel like I'm pulling myself out of this black hole instead of disappearing.

Now obviously ... everyday it's not easy. Actually each moment isn't easy. I have a hard time talking on how I feel because for so long I've just pushed my feelings aside. I want to be stronger and more beautiful, when in reality I need to see how strong and beautiful I really am. But right now Ed is that black hold pulling me in.. sucking me in!

Thing about it all is I want this recovery. I want to wake up one day and just feel like it's okay. If I weighed 300 lbs. or I weighed 100 lbs. That God gave me this life and that I could finally cherish what God gave me instead of thinking that I need to correct what he blessed me with. I am still striving to understand to learn how to be blessed with what God graced me with. That I am worthy, but I need to see myself as worthy too.

So this week I've had a hard time with that thought.. it's frustrated me and made me feel up and down .. nothing against anyone but myself. I keep constantly listening to the song by tenth avenue north, you are more. I am trying so hard to feel that I am important I am worthy of this life that I am who I feel like I am. That it's not just ed. That I have a good heart and I am a good person, and I really REALLY don't want to hurt anymore..

So eventhough I have this thoughts and feelings of being sucked in.. this is what I want and desire..


That resembles the beauty I want for my life. To look out and just breath and smile and let my life take me in a direction that God wanted for me. And to me sitting there looking at this picture.. I would just feel calm and that's what I want more then anything. So that's my week:)

Week Five: Sunshine

When asked what is one of my favorite moments in life.. it would be without a doubt being in the field with my brother!

So my brother who is 5 yrs older then me would go out with my dad to check on the cows. And I only remember this one time this one summer. When the sun was shinning and everything just seemed to peaceful and calm. We'd ride in the back of the pick up which also sucked because it was always bumpy and you'd bounce all around hurting just about every part of your body.

Well, this particular memory.. my brother and I kept playing this like catch up game. We'd hop out of the truck and would run to jump in on the tailgate. The one time that just makes me laugh like no other is when my brother sat there longer then usual. And my dad not even paying attention to what we were doing picked up speed at the same time Bobby started to run.. so he was running after the pick up and I had to get to the front to yell at my dad. He laughed and stopped and Bob got in. I'm not sure why it was a such a great memory. Some reason some why it hits home.

So that's my well at least one of a lot of smiles that I do have. But that memory is a BIG hold in my life. I love this memory and I'll never let it go!