So here I go and suggest this topic, because I thought I had finally understood how to handle things. Then life hits me with a loop and I really don't know anymore.
Growing up I couldn't ever express myself. Even now it's hard for me to. So when I had things happen I just held it in and try to ignore it. Forget that it ever happened. I put up a pretty good wall. Not saying that people still couldn't hurt me, because they still did. I just tried to make sure that they never saw it.
Lately, I was doing well with things. If it got to me where I felt like it was becoming too much I would just walk away. Go listen to music, or sit in the bathroom because that's like the only place ppl won't bother me:) I stopped with the confrontations and just said whatever it's not worth it right now. I was doing good at picking my battles. (which I hadn't been for sometime).
So here I think I'm doing well. Things are on a positive note looking up. Then I got bad news. Scary news for me anyways. I still don't know what to think. I want to wake up and just find out it was all one HUGE nightmare. I've just been crying a lot and I have to figure out things. I'm just scared and lost and I want to hide under covers for days.
Not sure why I thought I was untouchable or something like that, but I just thought that everything would be okay. And I'm mad like at the world. I'm mad at me. I'm pissed at Tom for butting in my life, when things were just fine and ever since he had to do this to me it's one thing after another. I was really hoping that after what all happened last year and all the hurt that that was my rock bottem and things were going to start getting better. Guess I have a worse year this next year.
Well, maybe after, if everything works out. I'll be able to say how I handled things. Til then I really don't know now. I wish I had the answer because I could really use it right now:)
Friday, November 30, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Week 41: Dream Job
Well lets start off with this. When I graduated high school, I thought I would like to teach. Then getting to college, playing volleyball, getting pregnant:), losing my scholarships.. ya took me in a different direction.
I thought I would like to teach Math for like say anywhere from 4th grade to like sophomores. But then the more I got thinking about it it just didn't feel like something I was truly passionate about Plus too, it just doesn't help listening to my other 2 brothers and sister who teach and having to deal with parents. Mainly because when I was growing up it was either I did it or didn't do it. Had nothing to do with the teacher I knew what was expected and if I didn't get there then it was my responsibility to get there. So I figured teaching wasn't the right direction for me. Mainly because I would put a lot of blame on the parents unless it was something that I truly missed or overlooked and then I would take my responsibility, but for the most part I believe once your getting into high school, even middle school for that part, the parents need to step it up more.. anyways.. hah
I figured just to take my generals and see what road that took me. It didn't take me long. I feel in love with History. It fascinated me. It was defiantly classes that for the rest of college that I would refuse to miss. I bought so many books one different subjects about it. On countries and presidents. I just don't know what it is that I find striking but I do. So I ended up graduating with a degree in Social Sciences, which if I were to be a teacher :) I could have taught History, Geography, Political Science, Sociology, Psychology, Economics, and Government.
When I graduated, I wanted to become a social worker. Only problem was I was a single mother of one and in South Dakota they expect you to just go to the other side of the state for weeks and possibly come back or maybe not .. stay there for awhile. I just couldn't do that to my son. Anyways..
I basically have two dream jobs. Possibly even three haha. One when I was graduating was to be a Social Worker. I like to file things and have things in order so I thought I would be good at that. Not so sure if I would be good with the hands on job if it came to that, mainly because the mother instinct would come into play and then.. I'm not so nice. But then working in a museum. Mainly tho the ones that have a lot of history to them .. not saying obviously the ones that have dinosaurs and what not don't, but I just want ones that tell in detail about the heritage of that state or others and what went on during those days. And I did work at a museum for a while. We got pregnant with my second (his first) but I was also working 40 plus hours waitressing and that job was paying a lot more. So that was the route I needed to take. But really to work in a museum I would just love.
So my 3rd dream job. Kinda doing that one. I always wanted to stay at home with the kids. Being able to help them out with homework and what not. Just to have someone always around. I like it to a point. If I had a babysitter it would be better:) Just so that I could get out every once in awhile without having to drag one or another, but I also figure that day will come soon enough where they will be old enough and won't even want to come along either. It does get difficult running around all across town to get them to one place to another. Not the way I grew up so they I worry. But I do enjoy being home with them and being able to make them meals and us sit down for dinner together. And that they are getting to play in sports or activities that they want to. It does get hard, but I figure in the long run that's all that matters. But I swear when they turn 18 if I don't go on a cruise I'm gonna be pissed LOL:)
Life takes us in all different directions. It's what you do when your handed those cards .. you get to decide. That is what matters.
I thought I would like to teach Math for like say anywhere from 4th grade to like sophomores. But then the more I got thinking about it it just didn't feel like something I was truly passionate about Plus too, it just doesn't help listening to my other 2 brothers and sister who teach and having to deal with parents. Mainly because when I was growing up it was either I did it or didn't do it. Had nothing to do with the teacher I knew what was expected and if I didn't get there then it was my responsibility to get there. So I figured teaching wasn't the right direction for me. Mainly because I would put a lot of blame on the parents unless it was something that I truly missed or overlooked and then I would take my responsibility, but for the most part I believe once your getting into high school, even middle school for that part, the parents need to step it up more.. anyways.. hah
I figured just to take my generals and see what road that took me. It didn't take me long. I feel in love with History. It fascinated me. It was defiantly classes that for the rest of college that I would refuse to miss. I bought so many books one different subjects about it. On countries and presidents. I just don't know what it is that I find striking but I do. So I ended up graduating with a degree in Social Sciences, which if I were to be a teacher :) I could have taught History, Geography, Political Science, Sociology, Psychology, Economics, and Government.
When I graduated, I wanted to become a social worker. Only problem was I was a single mother of one and in South Dakota they expect you to just go to the other side of the state for weeks and possibly come back or maybe not .. stay there for awhile. I just couldn't do that to my son. Anyways..
I basically have two dream jobs. Possibly even three haha. One when I was graduating was to be a Social Worker. I like to file things and have things in order so I thought I would be good at that. Not so sure if I would be good with the hands on job if it came to that, mainly because the mother instinct would come into play and then.. I'm not so nice. But then working in a museum. Mainly tho the ones that have a lot of history to them .. not saying obviously the ones that have dinosaurs and what not don't, but I just want ones that tell in detail about the heritage of that state or others and what went on during those days. And I did work at a museum for a while. We got pregnant with my second (his first) but I was also working 40 plus hours waitressing and that job was paying a lot more. So that was the route I needed to take. But really to work in a museum I would just love.
So my 3rd dream job. Kinda doing that one. I always wanted to stay at home with the kids. Being able to help them out with homework and what not. Just to have someone always around. I like it to a point. If I had a babysitter it would be better:) Just so that I could get out every once in awhile without having to drag one or another, but I also figure that day will come soon enough where they will be old enough and won't even want to come along either. It does get difficult running around all across town to get them to one place to another. Not the way I grew up so they I worry. But I do enjoy being home with them and being able to make them meals and us sit down for dinner together. And that they are getting to play in sports or activities that they want to. It does get hard, but I figure in the long run that's all that matters. But I swear when they turn 18 if I don't go on a cruise I'm gonna be pissed LOL:)
Life takes us in all different directions. It's what you do when your handed those cards .. you get to decide. That is what matters.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Week 40: Favorite TV Show
Hmm.. Well I'm going to group TV shows together. My favorite TV shows are those that make me laugh. Something that's light and hilarious and just brings a gloomy day feeling better.
Growing up there was this one show but I can't remember the name. I just know that unfortunately was when my mom braided my hair while it was wet so that it was somewhat curly the next day.. dislike!:) haha. But the thing I liked about it was that the whole family was around watching it and everyone was laughing.
We also watched America's Funniest Videos. I still get a crack out of that! Some of them anyways.. others I just shake my head wondering how it made it on the show and others it's like OW! Those are the ones I can't laugh about.. just doesn't seem right. But I enjoy sitting around with the boys and watching them. They just get such a crack out of it that it's too good. And then it just brings me back to growing up and laughing with my brothers and sister and feeling like in some way I belonged.. if that makes sense:P
So I would have to say right now I love watching the Penguins of Madagascar with the boys. And they will always be like mom you wanna watch, which I like. Makes me feel like they will later in life remember those times and share it with their children and look back and smile.
Obviously now tho my shows have pretty much changed. I like the chase and just the kind of thinking aspect in finding the wrong doer. But I will never give up those shows. I still watch AFV and watch the Penguins with the kids. Their other shows now.. nope heck no!:)
One thing I have to point out is it's funny when they talk about cartoons that were on when I was young and they are amazed that they are still on. Thanks guys.. I know.. got the memo I'm old:)
Well, TV shows, for me they seem to bring my family together at times. That and game boards, but it's nice to sit around and laugh. And I love to see the boys think that I find something funny that they do. Kinda gives them that boost of that they are okay who they are.
Growing up there was this one show but I can't remember the name. I just know that unfortunately was when my mom braided my hair while it was wet so that it was somewhat curly the next day.. dislike!:) haha. But the thing I liked about it was that the whole family was around watching it and everyone was laughing.
We also watched America's Funniest Videos. I still get a crack out of that! Some of them anyways.. others I just shake my head wondering how it made it on the show and others it's like OW! Those are the ones I can't laugh about.. just doesn't seem right. But I enjoy sitting around with the boys and watching them. They just get such a crack out of it that it's too good. And then it just brings me back to growing up and laughing with my brothers and sister and feeling like in some way I belonged.. if that makes sense:P
So I would have to say right now I love watching the Penguins of Madagascar with the boys. And they will always be like mom you wanna watch, which I like. Makes me feel like they will later in life remember those times and share it with their children and look back and smile.
Obviously now tho my shows have pretty much changed. I like the chase and just the kind of thinking aspect in finding the wrong doer. But I will never give up those shows. I still watch AFV and watch the Penguins with the kids. Their other shows now.. nope heck no!:)
One thing I have to point out is it's funny when they talk about cartoons that were on when I was young and they are amazed that they are still on. Thanks guys.. I know.. got the memo I'm old:)
Well, TV shows, for me they seem to bring my family together at times. That and game boards, but it's nice to sit around and laugh. And I love to see the boys think that I find something funny that they do. Kinda gives them that boost of that they are okay who they are.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Week 39 : Favorite Time of the Day.
This is only complicated because there I guess is a few times during the day that I really enjoy. Most of them are being by myself and just being able to relax and hear peace and calm. And with 3 boys.. that's a difficult thing to have.
So my first favorite time is when I put them to bed. I enjoy saying prayers to them. I feel like I am giving them something more (eventho I had it as well I just feel like I'm caring it on). But then I love to be able to sit down and read or watch TV without the yelling or arguing that children have. It just makes it feel like I can breath.
An another time is waking up in the middle of the night. I hate it so much and enjoy it all at the same time. Everyone else is sleeping and can't bother me that I enjoy it. I can do things around the house or just get on the computer or whatever it is without someone behind me constantly.. and it makes me feel good.
The last time is in the early morning. Mainly because I wake up early in the morning and the boys are awake and I can at least get them to keep it down because I say "it's early in the morning" haha. Other times doesn't work.. so I take full advantage of it!
I for some reason like being in my peaceful alone place, where I'm not constantly being talked to. Guess that's the best way to describe it.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE laying in my hammock! (altho I do get bothered there) But I love to just lay and relax or look at the sky and just breath.
So I do have a few times of the day that I truly enjoy.. might be weird times but they are my times. Some moments I wished they weren't because I'm tired come morning or day time .. but it is what it is..
So my first favorite time is when I put them to bed. I enjoy saying prayers to them. I feel like I am giving them something more (eventho I had it as well I just feel like I'm caring it on). But then I love to be able to sit down and read or watch TV without the yelling or arguing that children have. It just makes it feel like I can breath.
An another time is waking up in the middle of the night. I hate it so much and enjoy it all at the same time. Everyone else is sleeping and can't bother me that I enjoy it. I can do things around the house or just get on the computer or whatever it is without someone behind me constantly.. and it makes me feel good.
The last time is in the early morning. Mainly because I wake up early in the morning and the boys are awake and I can at least get them to keep it down because I say "it's early in the morning" haha. Other times doesn't work.. so I take full advantage of it!
I for some reason like being in my peaceful alone place, where I'm not constantly being talked to. Guess that's the best way to describe it.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE laying in my hammock! (altho I do get bothered there) But I love to just lay and relax or look at the sky and just breath.
So I do have a few times of the day that I truly enjoy.. might be weird times but they are my times. Some moments I wished they weren't because I'm tired come morning or day time .. but it is what it is..
Friday, September 28, 2012
Week 38: Time
Where my time has gone?? Lord it feels like it came and went in a blink of an eye. I don't seem to know who I am what I want or where I'll be anymore. I honestly feel lost.
I started my so called journey about 2 yrs ago and it's caused me to go in a direction that I really don't like. I try to stay positive and think that you have to hit a rock bottem to be able to move forward, it's just now I don't know how much farther I have to go to hit it.
So this last year has caused me a lot of heartache. I've had many problems. Some are health wise, other finances, and others that I would rather not go into detail about. Pretty much embarrassing and not something I would like to go into detail about.
Basically it put me in this place or this title of a person that I know I am not and it's really hard to know I somehow am like in that category. And I got a lot of blame for something that I feel like I am partially responsible for but not solely.. so that makes it harder to deal with.
Well, so where have the time gone.. I have no idea.. where I am.. I feel stuck and lost and a bit confused on what to do next. Actually that's somewhat wrong. I know what I should probably do but I'm just not so willing to do it. At least not yet.
Okay so, this world is going by faster and faster for me and I feel more and more consumed by it. I'm not really sure how to change that or what to do.. I just keep praying that something will open my eyes and things will change.
I started my so called journey about 2 yrs ago and it's caused me to go in a direction that I really don't like. I try to stay positive and think that you have to hit a rock bottem to be able to move forward, it's just now I don't know how much farther I have to go to hit it.
So this last year has caused me a lot of heartache. I've had many problems. Some are health wise, other finances, and others that I would rather not go into detail about. Pretty much embarrassing and not something I would like to go into detail about.
Basically it put me in this place or this title of a person that I know I am not and it's really hard to know I somehow am like in that category. And I got a lot of blame for something that I feel like I am partially responsible for but not solely.. so that makes it harder to deal with.
Well, so where have the time gone.. I have no idea.. where I am.. I feel stuck and lost and a bit confused on what to do next. Actually that's somewhat wrong. I know what I should probably do but I'm just not so willing to do it. At least not yet.
Okay so, this world is going by faster and faster for me and I feel more and more consumed by it. I'm not really sure how to change that or what to do.. I just keep praying that something will open my eyes and things will change.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Week 37: Most meaningful Gift
My most meaningful gift is not a hard one. God blessed me with 3 wonderful sometime a pain in the butt but I would never change one thing about them. I love them to death!
Brayden is my oldest 11 now. Going to be turning 12 in a few months.. ahh! I got pregnant with him in college and lost my scholarship for volleyball. I tried back out for the team but it was just too much. I couldn't work, go to school, as well as raise him and then on top of that go to practices and work out. Didn't help that I was a single mother either. hah. The only thing I would have probably changed is the fact of his dad:) haha!! But it happened and I would not change that because he is such a great person. And watching him grow I am so proud that I could have brought him into this world .. he's amazing!
Then you have Kyler. He's a tricky one.When he was a baby, he did not love mommy. And I was working around 60 hrs a week so maybe that contributed to it or just maybe he was meant to be a daddy's boy .. who knows. Even now we don't know .. they'll be days that he'll just out of the blue say that he loves me, or that I look nice, or thank you for making me lunch. He gets pissy quite easily, but he's so caring at the same time. He's the one that looks at others and cares so much when he doesn't even know who they are or what they are going thru but just cares. I always tell him to say a prayer for them and you can see him do so. Oh and we recently found out he hates roller coasters.. and he doesn't really like to fly either:)
It is funny to see him with his youngest brother Zaelur. They hate and love each other all at the same time.. guess that's how it's supposed to be anyways right?!
So here's Zaebae as we call him. He's going to hate us eventually for the nickname I'm sure but we used to call him just baby and so the Zaebae came into affect. He was completely unexpected. We were just moving and about 2 weeks before we were to leave South Dakota to come to Nevada I found out I was pregnant. It was just a scare more then anything else and just knowing that you need to get a job while your pregnant .. it was hard but I did finally find one .. thank god! But I did go into labor early and there was complications. I didn't expect it. I mean I just had two healthy babies .. just assumed everything was fine and it turned out obviously okay, but it was a def. scare. He was in the hospital for 10 days and I was running around ragged. Going back and forth to the hospital to feed him or just to see him constantly. But he's good now that's all that matters!!
Zaelur is hilarious tho. He thinks he's the funniest person that ever lived. Which there are definitely times that it's just like what:) and it cracks you up. Other times it's like okay enough is enough just shush. He is very outgoing and adventurous. If anything he helps Kyler try new things. But Kyler teaches him new things when it comes to reading and writing. Brayden just teaches them everything on the whole. Braydens just a lot older that sometimes I wished he wouldn't be teaching them certain things!
What I love best about them is that I feel like I am letting them be them. They have a quirk about them and obviously as children they love to have fun. They love to fish, to go just wondering thru the rocks and trees when we go camping, they love to run in the rain. And I love letting them just live.
They are my most meaningful anything. I love them!
Brayden is my oldest 11 now. Going to be turning 12 in a few months.. ahh! I got pregnant with him in college and lost my scholarship for volleyball. I tried back out for the team but it was just too much. I couldn't work, go to school, as well as raise him and then on top of that go to practices and work out. Didn't help that I was a single mother either. hah. The only thing I would have probably changed is the fact of his dad:) haha!! But it happened and I would not change that because he is such a great person. And watching him grow I am so proud that I could have brought him into this world .. he's amazing!
Then you have Kyler. He's a tricky one.When he was a baby, he did not love mommy. And I was working around 60 hrs a week so maybe that contributed to it or just maybe he was meant to be a daddy's boy .. who knows. Even now we don't know .. they'll be days that he'll just out of the blue say that he loves me, or that I look nice, or thank you for making me lunch. He gets pissy quite easily, but he's so caring at the same time. He's the one that looks at others and cares so much when he doesn't even know who they are or what they are going thru but just cares. I always tell him to say a prayer for them and you can see him do so. Oh and we recently found out he hates roller coasters.. and he doesn't really like to fly either:)
It is funny to see him with his youngest brother Zaelur. They hate and love each other all at the same time.. guess that's how it's supposed to be anyways right?!
So here's Zaebae as we call him. He's going to hate us eventually for the nickname I'm sure but we used to call him just baby and so the Zaebae came into affect. He was completely unexpected. We were just moving and about 2 weeks before we were to leave South Dakota to come to Nevada I found out I was pregnant. It was just a scare more then anything else and just knowing that you need to get a job while your pregnant .. it was hard but I did finally find one .. thank god! But I did go into labor early and there was complications. I didn't expect it. I mean I just had two healthy babies .. just assumed everything was fine and it turned out obviously okay, but it was a def. scare. He was in the hospital for 10 days and I was running around ragged. Going back and forth to the hospital to feed him or just to see him constantly. But he's good now that's all that matters!!
Zaelur is hilarious tho. He thinks he's the funniest person that ever lived. Which there are definitely times that it's just like what:) and it cracks you up. Other times it's like okay enough is enough just shush. He is very outgoing and adventurous. If anything he helps Kyler try new things. But Kyler teaches him new things when it comes to reading and writing. Brayden just teaches them everything on the whole. Braydens just a lot older that sometimes I wished he wouldn't be teaching them certain things!
What I love best about them is that I feel like I am letting them be them. They have a quirk about them and obviously as children they love to have fun. They love to fish, to go just wondering thru the rocks and trees when we go camping, they love to run in the rain. And I love letting them just live.
They are my most meaningful anything. I love them!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Week 36: My Gift
So sorry Marnie, I looked at this and thought WTF I HAVE NOTHING!:) lol
When it comes to gifts my first thought is a possession. Some material like idea. I personally don't like materials. That's not what hits home to me anyways.
I thought of the gifts I did give. Christmas or birthdays, giving to a homeless person (which my husband says I do too often and that they probably are not homeless .. oh well)
Rather to me it's the idea of being there for someone for whatever reason.
Well, what I came up with is.. somehow I make ppl laugh. I don't really know how or why at times, but I'll say something or do something and they'll laugh. At first I thought it was out of just being nice to make me feel good, but after awhile now I see that sometimes it's actually genuine. Which is really surprising to me. I don't see what they see, but I love to hear them laugh and think or believe that I made them just a bit more almost like relaxed and feeling good.
My boys love when I say some things and they just crack up.. it's so funny! I feel like I am allowing and letting them know that it is perfectly fine to be exactly who they are and to be proud of themselves for that. I hope that's what they are learning:)
So that is the best I can come up with. I always learned or well was told that you smile at someone it might make their day better. I like to believe when I say hi and smile that in some way it does something to make them feel better.
When it comes to gifts my first thought is a possession. Some material like idea. I personally don't like materials. That's not what hits home to me anyways.
I thought of the gifts I did give. Christmas or birthdays, giving to a homeless person (which my husband says I do too often and that they probably are not homeless .. oh well)
Rather to me it's the idea of being there for someone for whatever reason.
Well, what I came up with is.. somehow I make ppl laugh. I don't really know how or why at times, but I'll say something or do something and they'll laugh. At first I thought it was out of just being nice to make me feel good, but after awhile now I see that sometimes it's actually genuine. Which is really surprising to me. I don't see what they see, but I love to hear them laugh and think or believe that I made them just a bit more almost like relaxed and feeling good.
My boys love when I say some things and they just crack up.. it's so funny! I feel like I am allowing and letting them know that it is perfectly fine to be exactly who they are and to be proud of themselves for that. I hope that's what they are learning:)
So that is the best I can come up with. I always learned or well was told that you smile at someone it might make their day better. I like to believe when I say hi and smile that in some way it does something to make them feel better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)