This is only complicated because there I guess is a few times during the day that I really enjoy. Most of them are being by myself and just being able to relax and hear peace and calm. And with 3 boys.. that's a difficult thing to have.
So my first favorite time is when I put them to bed. I enjoy saying prayers to them. I feel like I am giving them something more (eventho I had it as well I just feel like I'm caring it on). But then I love to be able to sit down and read or watch TV without the yelling or arguing that children have. It just makes it feel like I can breath.
An another time is waking up in the middle of the night. I hate it so much and enjoy it all at the same time. Everyone else is sleeping and can't bother me that I enjoy it. I can do things around the house or just get on the computer or whatever it is without someone behind me constantly.. and it makes me feel good.
The last time is in the early morning. Mainly because I wake up early in the morning and the boys are awake and I can at least get them to keep it down because I say "it's early in the morning" haha. Other times doesn't work.. so I take full advantage of it!
I for some reason like being in my peaceful alone place, where I'm not constantly being talked to. Guess that's the best way to describe it.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE laying in my hammock! (altho I do get bothered there) But I love to just lay and relax or look at the sky and just breath.
So I do have a few times of the day that I truly enjoy.. might be weird times but they are my times. Some moments I wished they weren't because I'm tired come morning or day time .. but it is what it is..
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Week 38: Time
Where my time has gone?? Lord it feels like it came and went in a blink of an eye. I don't seem to know who I am what I want or where I'll be anymore. I honestly feel lost.
I started my so called journey about 2 yrs ago and it's caused me to go in a direction that I really don't like. I try to stay positive and think that you have to hit a rock bottem to be able to move forward, it's just now I don't know how much farther I have to go to hit it.
So this last year has caused me a lot of heartache. I've had many problems. Some are health wise, other finances, and others that I would rather not go into detail about. Pretty much embarrassing and not something I would like to go into detail about.
Basically it put me in this place or this title of a person that I know I am not and it's really hard to know I somehow am like in that category. And I got a lot of blame for something that I feel like I am partially responsible for but not solely.. so that makes it harder to deal with.
Well, so where have the time gone.. I have no idea.. where I am.. I feel stuck and lost and a bit confused on what to do next. Actually that's somewhat wrong. I know what I should probably do but I'm just not so willing to do it. At least not yet.
Okay so, this world is going by faster and faster for me and I feel more and more consumed by it. I'm not really sure how to change that or what to do.. I just keep praying that something will open my eyes and things will change.
I started my so called journey about 2 yrs ago and it's caused me to go in a direction that I really don't like. I try to stay positive and think that you have to hit a rock bottem to be able to move forward, it's just now I don't know how much farther I have to go to hit it.
So this last year has caused me a lot of heartache. I've had many problems. Some are health wise, other finances, and others that I would rather not go into detail about. Pretty much embarrassing and not something I would like to go into detail about.
Basically it put me in this place or this title of a person that I know I am not and it's really hard to know I somehow am like in that category. And I got a lot of blame for something that I feel like I am partially responsible for but not solely.. so that makes it harder to deal with.
Well, so where have the time gone.. I have no idea.. where I am.. I feel stuck and lost and a bit confused on what to do next. Actually that's somewhat wrong. I know what I should probably do but I'm just not so willing to do it. At least not yet.
Okay so, this world is going by faster and faster for me and I feel more and more consumed by it. I'm not really sure how to change that or what to do.. I just keep praying that something will open my eyes and things will change.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Week 37: Most meaningful Gift
My most meaningful gift is not a hard one. God blessed me with 3 wonderful sometime a pain in the butt but I would never change one thing about them. I love them to death!
Brayden is my oldest 11 now. Going to be turning 12 in a few months.. ahh! I got pregnant with him in college and lost my scholarship for volleyball. I tried back out for the team but it was just too much. I couldn't work, go to school, as well as raise him and then on top of that go to practices and work out. Didn't help that I was a single mother either. hah. The only thing I would have probably changed is the fact of his dad:) haha!! But it happened and I would not change that because he is such a great person. And watching him grow I am so proud that I could have brought him into this world .. he's amazing!
Then you have Kyler. He's a tricky one.When he was a baby, he did not love mommy. And I was working around 60 hrs a week so maybe that contributed to it or just maybe he was meant to be a daddy's boy .. who knows. Even now we don't know .. they'll be days that he'll just out of the blue say that he loves me, or that I look nice, or thank you for making me lunch. He gets pissy quite easily, but he's so caring at the same time. He's the one that looks at others and cares so much when he doesn't even know who they are or what they are going thru but just cares. I always tell him to say a prayer for them and you can see him do so. Oh and we recently found out he hates roller coasters.. and he doesn't really like to fly either:)
It is funny to see him with his youngest brother Zaelur. They hate and love each other all at the same time.. guess that's how it's supposed to be anyways right?!
So here's Zaebae as we call him. He's going to hate us eventually for the nickname I'm sure but we used to call him just baby and so the Zaebae came into affect. He was completely unexpected. We were just moving and about 2 weeks before we were to leave South Dakota to come to Nevada I found out I was pregnant. It was just a scare more then anything else and just knowing that you need to get a job while your pregnant .. it was hard but I did finally find one .. thank god! But I did go into labor early and there was complications. I didn't expect it. I mean I just had two healthy babies .. just assumed everything was fine and it turned out obviously okay, but it was a def. scare. He was in the hospital for 10 days and I was running around ragged. Going back and forth to the hospital to feed him or just to see him constantly. But he's good now that's all that matters!!
Zaelur is hilarious tho. He thinks he's the funniest person that ever lived. Which there are definitely times that it's just like what:) and it cracks you up. Other times it's like okay enough is enough just shush. He is very outgoing and adventurous. If anything he helps Kyler try new things. But Kyler teaches him new things when it comes to reading and writing. Brayden just teaches them everything on the whole. Braydens just a lot older that sometimes I wished he wouldn't be teaching them certain things!
What I love best about them is that I feel like I am letting them be them. They have a quirk about them and obviously as children they love to have fun. They love to fish, to go just wondering thru the rocks and trees when we go camping, they love to run in the rain. And I love letting them just live.
They are my most meaningful anything. I love them!
Brayden is my oldest 11 now. Going to be turning 12 in a few months.. ahh! I got pregnant with him in college and lost my scholarship for volleyball. I tried back out for the team but it was just too much. I couldn't work, go to school, as well as raise him and then on top of that go to practices and work out. Didn't help that I was a single mother either. hah. The only thing I would have probably changed is the fact of his dad:) haha!! But it happened and I would not change that because he is such a great person. And watching him grow I am so proud that I could have brought him into this world .. he's amazing!
Then you have Kyler. He's a tricky one.When he was a baby, he did not love mommy. And I was working around 60 hrs a week so maybe that contributed to it or just maybe he was meant to be a daddy's boy .. who knows. Even now we don't know .. they'll be days that he'll just out of the blue say that he loves me, or that I look nice, or thank you for making me lunch. He gets pissy quite easily, but he's so caring at the same time. He's the one that looks at others and cares so much when he doesn't even know who they are or what they are going thru but just cares. I always tell him to say a prayer for them and you can see him do so. Oh and we recently found out he hates roller coasters.. and he doesn't really like to fly either:)
It is funny to see him with his youngest brother Zaelur. They hate and love each other all at the same time.. guess that's how it's supposed to be anyways right?!
So here's Zaebae as we call him. He's going to hate us eventually for the nickname I'm sure but we used to call him just baby and so the Zaebae came into affect. He was completely unexpected. We were just moving and about 2 weeks before we were to leave South Dakota to come to Nevada I found out I was pregnant. It was just a scare more then anything else and just knowing that you need to get a job while your pregnant .. it was hard but I did finally find one .. thank god! But I did go into labor early and there was complications. I didn't expect it. I mean I just had two healthy babies .. just assumed everything was fine and it turned out obviously okay, but it was a def. scare. He was in the hospital for 10 days and I was running around ragged. Going back and forth to the hospital to feed him or just to see him constantly. But he's good now that's all that matters!!
Zaelur is hilarious tho. He thinks he's the funniest person that ever lived. Which there are definitely times that it's just like what:) and it cracks you up. Other times it's like okay enough is enough just shush. He is very outgoing and adventurous. If anything he helps Kyler try new things. But Kyler teaches him new things when it comes to reading and writing. Brayden just teaches them everything on the whole. Braydens just a lot older that sometimes I wished he wouldn't be teaching them certain things!
What I love best about them is that I feel like I am letting them be them. They have a quirk about them and obviously as children they love to have fun. They love to fish, to go just wondering thru the rocks and trees when we go camping, they love to run in the rain. And I love letting them just live.
They are my most meaningful anything. I love them!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Week 36: My Gift
So sorry Marnie, I looked at this and thought WTF I HAVE NOTHING!:) lol
When it comes to gifts my first thought is a possession. Some material like idea. I personally don't like materials. That's not what hits home to me anyways.
I thought of the gifts I did give. Christmas or birthdays, giving to a homeless person (which my husband says I do too often and that they probably are not homeless .. oh well)
Rather to me it's the idea of being there for someone for whatever reason.
Well, what I came up with is.. somehow I make ppl laugh. I don't really know how or why at times, but I'll say something or do something and they'll laugh. At first I thought it was out of just being nice to make me feel good, but after awhile now I see that sometimes it's actually genuine. Which is really surprising to me. I don't see what they see, but I love to hear them laugh and think or believe that I made them just a bit more almost like relaxed and feeling good.
My boys love when I say some things and they just crack up.. it's so funny! I feel like I am allowing and letting them know that it is perfectly fine to be exactly who they are and to be proud of themselves for that. I hope that's what they are learning:)
So that is the best I can come up with. I always learned or well was told that you smile at someone it might make their day better. I like to believe when I say hi and smile that in some way it does something to make them feel better.
When it comes to gifts my first thought is a possession. Some material like idea. I personally don't like materials. That's not what hits home to me anyways.
I thought of the gifts I did give. Christmas or birthdays, giving to a homeless person (which my husband says I do too often and that they probably are not homeless .. oh well)
Rather to me it's the idea of being there for someone for whatever reason.
Well, what I came up with is.. somehow I make ppl laugh. I don't really know how or why at times, but I'll say something or do something and they'll laugh. At first I thought it was out of just being nice to make me feel good, but after awhile now I see that sometimes it's actually genuine. Which is really surprising to me. I don't see what they see, but I love to hear them laugh and think or believe that I made them just a bit more almost like relaxed and feeling good.
My boys love when I say some things and they just crack up.. it's so funny! I feel like I am allowing and letting them know that it is perfectly fine to be exactly who they are and to be proud of themselves for that. I hope that's what they are learning:)
So that is the best I can come up with. I always learned or well was told that you smile at someone it might make their day better. I like to believe when I say hi and smile that in some way it does something to make them feel better.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Week 35: Turing point
Well, I missed last week just with being so involved in things .. so I'm doing both week 34 and 35 today:)
My turning point in my life.. hmm.. Honestly I think there's a lot. Like I can't just say one. So, here we go.
I would have to say the first in which I have explained to many of you is my house exploding with my brother, and parents inside. And the fact that even though it happened at 5 in the morning I still went to school that day. My sister did say something the other day that made me think more tho.. she said that mom probably just didn't know what to do and thought that would be the easiest thing for me is to do what I would have done if nothing happened. And I haven't really ever been mad at my parents for having me go to school, I honestly was more upset with the ppl at the school asking questions about my brother or even then the fact of my house because I didn't have the answers. But it was hard to lose everything and be living in a place that I never felt was my home. Then with that my brother and I grew very close over that time. (just to say I have 4 brothers and 1 sister) anyways..
The next changing point. It was a hard time but the aftermath I had a beautiful baby boy. I had received a scholarship for college to play volleyball and I did play my freshman yr. but that spring during practice I kept blacking out, so I went to the doctors to find out I was pregnant. Which to tell everyone was embarrassing. I didn't tell my parents right away, that's a story all in itself. But I went and lived with my sister that summer, and just to go to church and have ppl look down to see if I was wearing a ring was hard to take. To go back to college that fall and really everyone just thought I was fat at first to find out I was pregnant to say things .. But I need to take what was great about it .. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, I can't even describe how great it was that day. It hurt. I didn't want any meds and it hurt, but I would of never taken that back, the joy that I felt when I had him in my arms is indescribable.
Another turning point was then meeting my husband and getting married. At this point I don't know really how I feel. I know what I felt then and that was like finally my life is coming together and I get to be a family and raise a family. I will have more children. In which I did .. another 2 boys oh gosh:) And I will say that I think I finally got through to my husband and he realizes what's happening between him and I .. or I should say I hope he realizes, cause that could end up being another turning point hah. But ya, I definitely did not think my life would be where it is right now .. but it is.. so.. okay the last turning point that I can think of.
A bit over a year ago, Tom (my husband) found EDA Chatroom for me, that first day just sitting there over a meeting I didn't hardly say anything and I just sat and cried. It was the first time that I didn't feel alone. That someone actually got what I was thinking in my head. That even though everyone had these different stories, it all made sense in my mind. Now, ppl like my mother do not understand my thoughts, our thoughts. They just don't get it.
So it was wonderful to me to finally be able to get things out and to feel not judged or stupid for thinking that way. That I was accepted. So I thank all of you for all that you have done. I cherish the support! And just the fact that I can count on you when I need. Thank you:)
I would have to say the first in which I have explained to many of you is my house exploding with my brother, and parents inside. And the fact that even though it happened at 5 in the morning I still went to school that day. My sister did say something the other day that made me think more tho.. she said that mom probably just didn't know what to do and thought that would be the easiest thing for me is to do what I would have done if nothing happened. And I haven't really ever been mad at my parents for having me go to school, I honestly was more upset with the ppl at the school asking questions about my brother or even then the fact of my house because I didn't have the answers. But it was hard to lose everything and be living in a place that I never felt was my home. Then with that my brother and I grew very close over that time. (just to say I have 4 brothers and 1 sister) anyways..
The next changing point. It was a hard time but the aftermath I had a beautiful baby boy. I had received a scholarship for college to play volleyball and I did play my freshman yr. but that spring during practice I kept blacking out, so I went to the doctors to find out I was pregnant. Which to tell everyone was embarrassing. I didn't tell my parents right away, that's a story all in itself. But I went and lived with my sister that summer, and just to go to church and have ppl look down to see if I was wearing a ring was hard to take. To go back to college that fall and really everyone just thought I was fat at first to find out I was pregnant to say things .. But I need to take what was great about it .. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, I can't even describe how great it was that day. It hurt. I didn't want any meds and it hurt, but I would of never taken that back, the joy that I felt when I had him in my arms is indescribable.
Another turning point was then meeting my husband and getting married. At this point I don't know really how I feel. I know what I felt then and that was like finally my life is coming together and I get to be a family and raise a family. I will have more children. In which I did .. another 2 boys oh gosh:) And I will say that I think I finally got through to my husband and he realizes what's happening between him and I .. or I should say I hope he realizes, cause that could end up being another turning point hah. But ya, I definitely did not think my life would be where it is right now .. but it is.. so.. okay the last turning point that I can think of.
A bit over a year ago, Tom (my husband) found EDA Chatroom for me, that first day just sitting there over a meeting I didn't hardly say anything and I just sat and cried. It was the first time that I didn't feel alone. That someone actually got what I was thinking in my head. That even though everyone had these different stories, it all made sense in my mind. Now, ppl like my mother do not understand my thoughts, our thoughts. They just don't get it.
So it was wonderful to me to finally be able to get things out and to feel not judged or stupid for thinking that way. That I was accepted. So I thank all of you for all that you have done. I cherish the support! And just the fact that I can count on you when I need. Thank you:)
Week 34: Calm
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Week 33: Prized Possession
To be honest. All of the possessions that I have had or received or been rewarded whatever it was how I got them. I could careless about them.
I have a box filled of my medals I got from Basketball, Volleyball, and Track. (also plaques) And awhile ago I wanted to throw them away but Tom said I should keep them. Honestly all they do is bring me back to a life that I no longer live or have. If anything it brings me down because they remind me how I should have been 'more'. How I should have pushed that much harder or done something different. They don't make me feel proud.
I really don't know what my most prized possession would be. Mainly because too that means that I own it. I guess if there's anything that I would consider would be my personality. Not that's it's a great one or anything like that. But it is who I am. And I'm proud to be ME. I'm not right I'm not perfect by any means and I f*ck up a lot. But I am me. I'm true to who I am. And for that I would then say that's my most prized possession. You get what you see and if you don't like it then you can walk away. But it is what it is. I don't try to fool anyone, I just am who I am.
So ya.. that's my most prized possession. Me.
I have a box filled of my medals I got from Basketball, Volleyball, and Track. (also plaques) And awhile ago I wanted to throw them away but Tom said I should keep them. Honestly all they do is bring me back to a life that I no longer live or have. If anything it brings me down because they remind me how I should have been 'more'. How I should have pushed that much harder or done something different. They don't make me feel proud.
I really don't know what my most prized possession would be. Mainly because too that means that I own it. I guess if there's anything that I would consider would be my personality. Not that's it's a great one or anything like that. But it is who I am. And I'm proud to be ME. I'm not right I'm not perfect by any means and I f*ck up a lot. But I am me. I'm true to who I am. And for that I would then say that's my most prized possession. You get what you see and if you don't like it then you can walk away. But it is what it is. I don't try to fool anyone, I just am who I am.
So ya.. that's my most prized possession. Me.
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