Week 30 : 3 Words

My three words are not very inspirational.

They are :

1. Lost
I decided to give it a break. I feel like if I just go for a bit that Hopefully I can start over with a fresh start. I know to many that sounds like I'm giving up, but really I'm not. I just need to reevaluate my situation. I have so many things that are going on that it's hard to also have my mind concentrate on fighting. And I haven't thought that this isn't Ed speaking, because it probably is. It's just I have my family that comes first and with the fight I feel like I need to put myself first. In which has caused a lot of heartache in my life and my children's. A lot more then what I would want for them. So, that's where I'm going right now.

2.Stuck
I do feel like I'm stuck. Not just in my fight obviously with Ed, but just in my life in general. There's a lot that I would go into but I feel like it would hurt someone who I do love and I don't want to go there. I've never understood why you love someone when they hurt you but you still love them. It's a hard thing to let go, specially when you don't know if it would actually work out for the best. I just feel like I can't ever make a choice because I feel like every time I make the wrong choice. And plus too I keep thinking that every relationship that I have. Whether it's my family or friends.. or even just someone off the street.. I'm the common denominator. I'm the one that is involved with the problem, therefore I am the problem. And it's just hard for me to believe it. That's what leads into hopeful. 

3. Hopeful
God I know who I am on the inside. I know my heart. I just can't understand why others can't see it .. I do wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't see anything wrong with crying or getting upset about something that hurts. I don't see anything wrong with it! Others do =/
I don't know how to change that, I do know that I have to be the person that I am and be proud of that person regardless of what others have to say about it. It's just getting to that point. But .. BUT .. :) That's where I know I have that fight in me that I'm not going to give up. I still have that drive in me, and I know how hopeful I am that at some point I get to announce that I'm kicking butt!

So eventho this might not have been very inspirational with happy thoughts:) (sorry) I believe in a blessed outcome.

Week 29: Funny Me=)

I actually take a lot of pride in being a 'dork' .. I really do! Mainly because it makes me smile. I laugh at myself thinking I'm cute doing it that everyone then will laugh as well. Most of the time it doesn't happen but you know there's going to be that 'once in a while' time.

For how many times I mess up.. I really should write a book about it. There's so many it's ridiculous!

Thing is I take Pride in it. I'm okay with my .. well my funny stupid mess ups. Now the ones that I do in anther way I don't like so much. But ya.

SO ..

My first that I remember off hand was when I was 12 (5 days before my bday) .. it was when my house blew up.. ya I know:) But I was in just a long jammy shirt and I had socks on and when I ran I slipped and fell. It was like 5 something in the morning .. and in my town, no one is awake essentially but I have to laugh and look around to make it seem like I totally meant to fall :) It was on purpose so .. Cute hehe.

Another time in high school, my senior year on the basketball floor and we're in a game. There was this wasp (and to this day I have never been stung) but I am on the floor and I really do wish that they had a video because I am just slowly walking away in this circle to try to get away from the damn thing. I did have one girl look at me and asked what are you doing and I'm like there's a frickin wasp and I don't want to be stung and she just started laughing.

I honestly have a lot of embarrassing moments. That I have told myself to play it off. TO act like it wasn't as Big as I might think it was.

One other basketball game we were playing this team and there was a guy from that town that I just like adored. And I was a sophomore starting Varsity so it's like that much more pressure because you should be good if your playing over all these other people. Well I'm going off there haha. I ended up going up for a layup. I mean I stole the ball had a break away and I completely fall .. going up for a layup. Who does that?? Me:) So then I had to smile and laugh about it so that I didn't look like a total fool.

My latest thing was I was getting out of bed and I .. well it's probably hard to describe to actually get the action but I flipped my one leg over to then just basically stand as soon as I got up.. yep that didn't happen. Instead I flipped it to just roll over off the bed into the chair..... And it hurt:)

If there is anything that makes me smile, I like it. No I love it. I like smiling.

Well that's just a bit of my mess ups.. there's lots!:) And for the most part .. I'm okay with it.

Week 28 : Where would I have been

Where I would have been without Ed?

Well, I first off wonder how much more I would have pushed myself. In sports, I was good but I settled for what I did. I mean I just kind of think that I could have ran that much hard I could have went up to the gym that many more times. Instead Ed would say oh your fine, I mean your already on Varsity and no one else in your class is. And your starting before Sophomores and Juniors. But now looking back, I should have pushed more. My life could have went into a many different directions.

And then it goes to college, because I did get scholarship. I really didn't even want to talk to any of the scouts because we just lost State Volleyball after playing for 6 hrs (lasted til 1 in the morning) and we lost. I took the responsibility for it. I could have I SHOULD have done something more. But nope Ed kept telling me I'm doing everything that was good enough for it. So scouts are calling and what they are saying are going into one ear and out the other.

So I'm looking at colleges, and for some reason I didn't want to go to those colleges offering full scholarships. Not even the ones offering the 4 yr scholarship with money each semester. I instead want to go to this college that I talked to but they hadn't heard so much about me so I would have to send a video of me playing both basketball and volleyball. And that there was a good chance I would just have to work out and prove myself out at tryouts. This college was about 12 hrs away from where I lived and I was dead set on it. But that didn't happen.

I hated the college I went to. Didn't like playing. The girls were snobby like the whole year to me and it just fueled Ed. I didn't care about going to classes, and then when I was still getting B's and A's some C's.. it just helped Ed do that whole thing of see you don't even need to go to class. So most classes I didn't even attend so not sure how I passed. After 4 yrs I got my Bachelors and then it started all over of where am I going to go. Get the hell out of here.

Met Tom the week of graduation and then we were together since. I'm pretty honest with him so I know he knows this. But there was this one guy I met and we definitely had something, but Ed always just said "Are you Serious" "Have you looked in the mirror" "Your losing your mind" .. so I blew him off.

I know that sounds horrible because Tom and I have been together for 9 yrs.. and it's definitely been bumpy. But when I think about it .. I couldn't have seen anyone else staying next to me to try to get me on a better track and get healthy.

But I figure in a way. I can look back and say 'What If'. That's not going to help me though to move ahead. I can't be happy if I'm looking with my head over my shoulder. I'm going to end up missing what's standing in front of me.

SO Where would I have been? I say right now where I am. I have a husband standing next to me, 3 beautiful boys. A big family that I love. And great friends who at anytime can be there. That's where I am:)

Week 27: Super Poowa=)

Mine would be Protection. Strength. Power. Not the power that people strive to have with money and house and all that .. but the power to teach others and have them actually learn to be kind to one another. To realize that just because who you are doesn't mean someone should try to mold you into something your not.

I would love to have the ability to shut those people that are abusive by their words and actions.. It never fails how many times I come across people that are just so into themselves that they can't see others around them and how they are acting. Specially when it's those types of people that are like it's my way or the highway, yet they are just as screwed up.

Would also like to make ppl think of others. Like when your driving that there are other people on the road. Or if your walking on the street or in the store to move to the side. To say excuse me. (Can't ever stand when I say excuse me and the reply is uh huh.. it's wtf you were in my way and i needed by but you were too concerned about what you were doing.)

But most of all my super power would be to have in the past to of loved who I was. To have seen what I thought I should have known to of been okay with it. But maybe I do have a super power that is slowly growing. Just in the start of it:)

Week 26: Positive about Me

Again what is wrong with me?? Why do I have to pick these two topics and just think that I want to scream because I really don't like em! Ah

It's truly hard to sit back and think the positives of myself and actually be okay thinking of myself like that.



Okay after a day of thinking about this the one positive thing I can say about myself is that if I do let you in. If you somehow break the barrier that I have, your in. Your protect, loved, and I'll do whatever it is that I can for you. I will do more for you then I will for myself. I might not do everything 'right' but I never have the intent to hurt those people.


And I will give you every chance in the world, I won't give up hope that these people meant to hurt me if they had. And there's only a few that are truly apart of this. But I would definitely go down fighting for them in a heartbeat.

I'm not tho pretty much stuck in my thoughts. I want to believe things coming in but at the same time it's difficult. So I'll just end it with this



I do need to learn to be prouder of myself and what I do, and that will come in time I hope anyways. I do have things that I think are positive about me but then I also feel like I'm gloating about it .. or something like that .. so then I don't like it:)

Week 25: Proud

Okay I found this funny and had to start with it.. A PROUD PEACOCK:) Just thought it was kinda cute..


But really Proud that's a hard word to say. Specially about myself. Like as soon as I type it I roll my eyes. Funniest part is that I suggested the topic. (I swear I don't make sense half the time.)

Worst part is I actually have many things that I should or could be proud of. Starting years ago, I mean I was on Varsity in 8th grade for track. End of my freshman yr. I was playing Varsity in basketball and volleyball. I played some piano pieces during our school programs. Then to go further my senior year I was getting contacts from colleges for full scholarships to play volleyball. But I couldn't even think of that.

Reason why.. we lost the state volleyball championship. (And I don't know how his thoughts work their magic but he does a good job.) I couldn't see anything other then I lost it. I LOST IT! I lost it for our team, for my coach, and myself. So, I could careless about scouts calling to get me to their school to play. I at times think it's very vain that I took the responsibility for us losing. You know no I in team, but I couldn't remember anything else during the game except for me messing up at times. How I wasn't fast enough.. didn't do my job. Did after 10 yrs finally buy the video and was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't that bad.. ya know!?

But..

I went to college with a scholarship for volleyball, and then got pregnant:) I tried to play again that following year but decided that to finish college, having to take care of my son, also work, and with volleyball on top.. There just was no room. So for the next few years I worked anywhere from 20 to 40 hrs a week, took care of Brayden.. by myself (well except daycare) and finished with my Bachelors. Looking back I'm surprised how much fight I had in me to raise a baby, work, and go to college. Definitely surprises me.



My other proudest moments are when I teach my children just to let loose. Just be weird and be proud of it. To know that it's alright to be exactly who you are and you don't need to change for anyone.



And too I love how they will hold open doors for others (specially my 4 yr old because it's difficult for him. Funny to watch!) But it's nice to know that I am hopefully giving them the tools to respect another person and realize how to treat another living being.





What I do want tho, I want to look back here .. where I am now, and say I am proud that I made a change for the better. Something that my kids will eventually know about and will be proud of me for it. I have a long hill to run up, and I'm getting there. I'll get there! I might have to run some times, walk other, and crawl on all fours at times. There's just no way that I am going to give up. Might not do it the 'Right' way. (Although I don't believe in a right or wrong.) But I believe and I trust enough in myself that I will do it. =)

Week 24: Overcoming

Wow.. hmm.. I'm trying to think of something. I mean I know there has to be those but I hate repeating all the time:)

Lets see first would have to be the challenge that I had with my family when our house had blown up and we had no where to live and no clothes except for those that we had worn to bed that night. Ended up living in a motel for a month to then move into a trailer house for a year until we could have our other house built and ready to move into. (keeping it brief if you can't tell lol)

The other obstacles where just sport wise. I played in a lot of sports and just pushing myself, even after I broke my ankle but still played.

I know I was a bitch growing up. Mainly because everyone seemed to constantly hurt me or betray me so my best and easiest way was just to hate. I still somewhat do, but I do also see myself taking a transition and basically asking is it worth it?? Sure never feels like it's worth being mad or upset. Specially over certain things.

Now how did I any of it?? Blah.. I have no idea. I don't get how when I was younger I just basically said to myself suck it up and do it. Where as now I can't seem to do that. I know I need to take that leap of faith, just am very scared of it. Not sure why either. But even though I might not be doing a lot.. I'm doing something. It took me almost 18 yrs to get to here, so my baby steps, I'm okay with them. I am tho looking forward to that day I get to say I overcame this. =)

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt