Week 33: Prized Possession

To be honest. All of the possessions that I have had or received or been rewarded whatever it was how I got them. I could careless about them.

I have a box filled of my medals I got from Basketball, Volleyball, and Track. (also plaques) And awhile ago I wanted to throw them away but Tom said I should keep them. Honestly all they do is bring me back to a life that I no longer live or have. If anything it brings me down because they remind me how I should have been 'more'. How I should have pushed that much harder or done something different. They don't make me feel proud.

I really don't know what my most prized possession would be. Mainly because too that means that I own it. I guess if there's anything that I would consider would be my personality. Not that's it's a great one or anything like that. But it is who I am. And I'm proud to be ME. I'm not right I'm not perfect by any means and I f*ck up a lot. But I am me. I'm true to who I am. And for that I would then say that's my most prized possession. You get what you see and if you don't like it then you can walk away. But it is what it is. I don't try to fool anyone, I just am who I am.

So ya.. that's my most prized possession. Me.

Week 32: My dad

As for an Inspirational person, without it's my dad!

Now can I say that he didn't embarrass me growing up, oh hell ya he did. My parents were the 'old' parents. Everyone else parents were like in the late 30's maybe 40's but mine were pushing 50 and 60. So it was just like they were so old fashion and really annoying.

But my dad .. looking back now I'm amazed by him. He gave me so many aspects of myself that I am proud of that I look at him and just smile. He is a terrible hard worker. And he gets hurt a lot .. and when I say a lot I mean  A LOT! But he always some how gets back up and continues again.

He also just puts himself out there. If you need help it doesn't matter who you are he'll help. My mother yelled at him for helping out certain ppl growing up. Mainly because they wouldn't be able to repay it back, but dad never cared. He'd just let mom go ranting and raving, usually just laugh or giggle but he still would help out those ppl. And that's something I've taken and ran with. Like just getting food for the homeless or giving them some money, and if they are just scamming me (which I do know some ppl do) well I'm doing something that is out of kindness, so fine go ahead and be an ass. I'm doing something that I should do.

My dad tho, he's really remarkable. I don't know how he does it. I've never understood a lot of it. Why he stood by my mom for so long (considering she's just a screaming bitch). How for years he works for 12+ hrs during the summer time. You can not keep that guy down. He'll be turning 79 here in a bit over a week and he broke 7 ribs, scratched his lung, and fractured part of his back, yet the guy is now trying to get like 'back on the horse'. There's nothing that can keep him down.

And he's not like overly emotional, but when he tells me he loves me I know it .. I feel it .. plus too he usually tears up. :)

I wished I was more like him and not so much like my mom. Or at least took on her reactions to things. I wished I would have saw more of how he reacted and been like that. But he was gone a lot working so ..

Well I love my daddy:) What can I say hah

Week 31: Smile

The reason why I like this is because half the time I feel like I'm just smiling because you just have to smile. And I'll smile when I feel uncomfortable at times. But then there's those moments that you are truly smiling and there's this overwhelming feeling of how peaceful and wonderful things are. 

One thing that makes me smile is my sister. When I see her I want to cry, I miss her a lot and she's a wonderful person that I only wished to have an ounce of who she is. 

My kids make me laugh. They usually make me laugh tho on the one side of like omgosh really this is what I brought into the world!?  haha:) They are pains but they also know how to just have fun with me and just be .. just be. 

Then there's when I'm out in the sun away from everyone and everything. That peace of quite. Like the kids could even be yelling at each other and I can just sit there and smile. There's something about just like being there and not having to worry about this or that. 

That's why I'm so looking forward to Thursday. I've already started packing. Which is probably best because then I won't be freaking out. I usually like to pack early and Tom doesn't like it, but guess what I don't care right now! If it helps me to be okay then that's what I'm going to do. 

The other part of smiling that I like, is that when you smile at someone that you don't know and they actually smile back it's like a nice warmth of maybe it just made their day better, cause I feel good now, so hopefully they do as well. 

So smile away. =) Make someone laugh and just feel it. 

Week 30 : 3 Words

My three words are not very inspirational.

They are :

1. Lost
I decided to give it a break. I feel like if I just go for a bit that Hopefully I can start over with a fresh start. I know to many that sounds like I'm giving up, but really I'm not. I just need to reevaluate my situation. I have so many things that are going on that it's hard to also have my mind concentrate on fighting. And I haven't thought that this isn't Ed speaking, because it probably is. It's just I have my family that comes first and with the fight I feel like I need to put myself first. In which has caused a lot of heartache in my life and my children's. A lot more then what I would want for them. So, that's where I'm going right now.

2.Stuck
I do feel like I'm stuck. Not just in my fight obviously with Ed, but just in my life in general. There's a lot that I would go into but I feel like it would hurt someone who I do love and I don't want to go there. I've never understood why you love someone when they hurt you but you still love them. It's a hard thing to let go, specially when you don't know if it would actually work out for the best. I just feel like I can't ever make a choice because I feel like every time I make the wrong choice. And plus too I keep thinking that every relationship that I have. Whether it's my family or friends.. or even just someone off the street.. I'm the common denominator. I'm the one that is involved with the problem, therefore I am the problem. And it's just hard for me to believe it. That's what leads into hopeful. 

3. Hopeful
God I know who I am on the inside. I know my heart. I just can't understand why others can't see it .. I do wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't see anything wrong with crying or getting upset about something that hurts. I don't see anything wrong with it! Others do =/
I don't know how to change that, I do know that I have to be the person that I am and be proud of that person regardless of what others have to say about it. It's just getting to that point. But .. BUT .. :) That's where I know I have that fight in me that I'm not going to give up. I still have that drive in me, and I know how hopeful I am that at some point I get to announce that I'm kicking butt!

So eventho this might not have been very inspirational with happy thoughts:) (sorry) I believe in a blessed outcome.

Week 29: Funny Me=)

I actually take a lot of pride in being a 'dork' .. I really do! Mainly because it makes me smile. I laugh at myself thinking I'm cute doing it that everyone then will laugh as well. Most of the time it doesn't happen but you know there's going to be that 'once in a while' time.

For how many times I mess up.. I really should write a book about it. There's so many it's ridiculous!

Thing is I take Pride in it. I'm okay with my .. well my funny stupid mess ups. Now the ones that I do in anther way I don't like so much. But ya.

SO ..

My first that I remember off hand was when I was 12 (5 days before my bday) .. it was when my house blew up.. ya I know:) But I was in just a long jammy shirt and I had socks on and when I ran I slipped and fell. It was like 5 something in the morning .. and in my town, no one is awake essentially but I have to laugh and look around to make it seem like I totally meant to fall :) It was on purpose so .. Cute hehe.

Another time in high school, my senior year on the basketball floor and we're in a game. There was this wasp (and to this day I have never been stung) but I am on the floor and I really do wish that they had a video because I am just slowly walking away in this circle to try to get away from the damn thing. I did have one girl look at me and asked what are you doing and I'm like there's a frickin wasp and I don't want to be stung and she just started laughing.

I honestly have a lot of embarrassing moments. That I have told myself to play it off. TO act like it wasn't as Big as I might think it was.

One other basketball game we were playing this team and there was a guy from that town that I just like adored. And I was a sophomore starting Varsity so it's like that much more pressure because you should be good if your playing over all these other people. Well I'm going off there haha. I ended up going up for a layup. I mean I stole the ball had a break away and I completely fall .. going up for a layup. Who does that?? Me:) So then I had to smile and laugh about it so that I didn't look like a total fool.

My latest thing was I was getting out of bed and I .. well it's probably hard to describe to actually get the action but I flipped my one leg over to then just basically stand as soon as I got up.. yep that didn't happen. Instead I flipped it to just roll over off the bed into the chair..... And it hurt:)

If there is anything that makes me smile, I like it. No I love it. I like smiling.

Well that's just a bit of my mess ups.. there's lots!:) And for the most part .. I'm okay with it.

Week 28 : Where would I have been

Where I would have been without Ed?

Well, I first off wonder how much more I would have pushed myself. In sports, I was good but I settled for what I did. I mean I just kind of think that I could have ran that much hard I could have went up to the gym that many more times. Instead Ed would say oh your fine, I mean your already on Varsity and no one else in your class is. And your starting before Sophomores and Juniors. But now looking back, I should have pushed more. My life could have went into a many different directions.

And then it goes to college, because I did get scholarship. I really didn't even want to talk to any of the scouts because we just lost State Volleyball after playing for 6 hrs (lasted til 1 in the morning) and we lost. I took the responsibility for it. I could have I SHOULD have done something more. But nope Ed kept telling me I'm doing everything that was good enough for it. So scouts are calling and what they are saying are going into one ear and out the other.

So I'm looking at colleges, and for some reason I didn't want to go to those colleges offering full scholarships. Not even the ones offering the 4 yr scholarship with money each semester. I instead want to go to this college that I talked to but they hadn't heard so much about me so I would have to send a video of me playing both basketball and volleyball. And that there was a good chance I would just have to work out and prove myself out at tryouts. This college was about 12 hrs away from where I lived and I was dead set on it. But that didn't happen.

I hated the college I went to. Didn't like playing. The girls were snobby like the whole year to me and it just fueled Ed. I didn't care about going to classes, and then when I was still getting B's and A's some C's.. it just helped Ed do that whole thing of see you don't even need to go to class. So most classes I didn't even attend so not sure how I passed. After 4 yrs I got my Bachelors and then it started all over of where am I going to go. Get the hell out of here.

Met Tom the week of graduation and then we were together since. I'm pretty honest with him so I know he knows this. But there was this one guy I met and we definitely had something, but Ed always just said "Are you Serious" "Have you looked in the mirror" "Your losing your mind" .. so I blew him off.

I know that sounds horrible because Tom and I have been together for 9 yrs.. and it's definitely been bumpy. But when I think about it .. I couldn't have seen anyone else staying next to me to try to get me on a better track and get healthy.

But I figure in a way. I can look back and say 'What If'. That's not going to help me though to move ahead. I can't be happy if I'm looking with my head over my shoulder. I'm going to end up missing what's standing in front of me.

SO Where would I have been? I say right now where I am. I have a husband standing next to me, 3 beautiful boys. A big family that I love. And great friends who at anytime can be there. That's where I am:)

Week 27: Super Poowa=)

Mine would be Protection. Strength. Power. Not the power that people strive to have with money and house and all that .. but the power to teach others and have them actually learn to be kind to one another. To realize that just because who you are doesn't mean someone should try to mold you into something your not.

I would love to have the ability to shut those people that are abusive by their words and actions.. It never fails how many times I come across people that are just so into themselves that they can't see others around them and how they are acting. Specially when it's those types of people that are like it's my way or the highway, yet they are just as screwed up.

Would also like to make ppl think of others. Like when your driving that there are other people on the road. Or if your walking on the street or in the store to move to the side. To say excuse me. (Can't ever stand when I say excuse me and the reply is uh huh.. it's wtf you were in my way and i needed by but you were too concerned about what you were doing.)

But most of all my super power would be to have in the past to of loved who I was. To have seen what I thought I should have known to of been okay with it. But maybe I do have a super power that is slowly growing. Just in the start of it:)