Week 21: What I want to hear

I definitely don't want to hear 'I'm sorry'.

That's not enough anymore. That's a five letter word that doesn't mean shit to me. It actually pisses me off more then anything when I hear it.

I want my mother to take accountability for her actions. For what she says. I'm not going to get it tho. I know that and I have to learn to accept that. To try to move on from it, and ignore when I keep hearing it. She might love me because I'm her daughter but she doesn't like me. I don't know why. I mean I was the baby and I broke rules, but now to hold that against me .. still?! .. It is what it is. Unfortunately.


My husband....


I have forgiven what he did in the beginning. I actually have. And I forgotten for the most part, except when he might do things now those memories come flashing back like a flood.

I don't want him to say anything. I want him to act on what he would like to say. I want to feel it not hear it. I want to trust completely again. I want to believe in our marriage and our relationship. Just right now it's on hold. Just for a bit longer and than I'll figure out what to or how to do the next step.


I guess what I want to hear, is Ed to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Sorry for the language but it's definitely what I would like. I would love not to have those questions in my ear. To not hear all the garbage that he gets me to believe in.

And I want to hear 'me'. I want to listen to the person that I would want to be. The one that can be healthy. The one that deserves to be treated good and have a wonderful blessed life. To believe in myself and not let others question who I am. That's what I need to start listening to.

Week 20 : Characters

Marnie I hate you for this LOL:) (I'm jk hehe) This was definitely difficult .. for me at least haha

I had such a hard time that I asked my oldest son who he would think I would resemble. And here's the best part.. he sits there for a few seconds and says .. well kind of a lot because you have so many personalities. Great thanks son:) haha


I kinda changed my thought on this week. Maybe because I looked at characters and I don't know I guess who I am. I know who I want to be so that's where I took this. What I want from my life so I hope no one minds that I took a different direction.



So well my first thought was .. ready for it?? =)




Okay the picture isn't the best of his image but if you all haven't seen Hoodwinked you definitely need to!! He's frickin hilarious. And he's just so upbeat and excited. I swear I can't get enough of those movies with him. He's the best!


Then my next thought was King Julian =)





So my reasoning behind this. And again apparently I watch too many kids movie but their hilarious. And it could be because I have children too. lol.

But I think of him because he's funny a one, and loves himself so much. It's like All about him. I'm not saying I want everything to necessarily be about me, but just that I would love myself that way. I would love to think like that .. to believe in myself in that way.



My last guy (funny how their all guys .. hmm.. weird) But it's:




BARTOK=)


When I was growing up I watch Anastasia, and I absolutely fell in love with him. I really wanted to get a tattoo of him, but figured the white would fade way too fast that it was a waste of money. But he was just funny to me. Specially that part that he says 'kick her sir'. Kinda think of it as there is a something inside of me that's strong enough to go against anything, being strong.


So that's my characters. Idk any that exactly portray myself but it's the type of person I'm hoping that I can be. Funny, exciting, happy, and most of all strong to kick ed to the curb.

Week Nineteen Favorite Time of the Year

Oh this is easy for me=)

I love summer. Nothing to me is even better. I don't know if it's because I get cold and in the summer I can just lay in the sun and feel the warm and relax, or if it goes further into it and relates then to me growing up and always been gone .. either riding a bike or swimming. It was like all I ever did. I was out of the house like each and every day. I loved it. Some days my best friends and I would just walk around town for hours and it was nice to just talk and do nothing really. It was just nice.








Another reason why I like summer is because we go camping. I absolutely love the seclusion. No one really to like bother you. And just to sit outside all day and relax. Reading a book. Then sitting by the fire. Actually taking each moment by moment. Going searching for lizards, even though there is not a chance in hell your going to find me grab one of those things. My luck I would definitely end up getting bit. But it's just nice to sit outside, joke around, and really do nothing.


My other reason that I love summer, that's because it's my favorite holiday.



Growing up there wasn't much fireworks or anything. You'd see them on the TV but that was really it. We always had the bottle rockets and what the black cats I believe is what they were called. I had fun with my friends don't get me wrong. But the day I started to love the 4th of July will always be in my head.

My husband, at that time we were just dating. He took me up to Deadwood and we stood all by ourselves on this hillside watching the works go off. It was like every time now I hear those works make that beautiful boom sound, I get that same feeling I had that night. It brings me back. And I love it.

I do have to say tho August I hate because that means school is coming back on and all the nonstop activities .. so summer is my little break from the world.

Week Eighteen Best Recovery Advice

I'm mean WOW..



That's tough for me. I would definitely like to say that there are you that give me great advice.. there's books I've read. But I just still have unanswered questions, and they are just not happening. I just won't get them. I just don't know. Just don't know..





I do think that one comment that I'm trying to work with was 'to not let everyone else opinion affect the person that you are'.




My advice to myself is .. be that happy person. Be yourself and be okay with it. You were someone that God created .. and be PROUD OF THAT! Stop crying and being stuck.

Live life! Put your hands up. Take them off the wheel and trust that he has something greater planned for you and you will and could just RUN ..

Week Seventeen: Short/Long Term Goals

I can't see anything right now. Short or Long

I am stuck just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Dealing with a lot of crap that I shouldn't. That's making me feel so alone because no one has been threw it.

The only goal that I can think of is just being happy. Just sitting back and looking and just smiling. Feeling good at that moment. How to get there.. I have NO FRICKIN Clue!

I know to expect everything to be happy go lucky is just .. I mean there's no way.. That's why God created us .. to be sad and hurt to feel the joys of love and happiness. I Believe That!

I don't have any goals right now, and maybe I need to start to try to figure that out. Right now I'm just trying to avoid what's coming to me, which isn't avoidable .. it's coming.

Week Sixteen: Giving

Giving =)

There is something so great about it! Nothing and No one that could ever take it away from me!! One thing at least that no one can take that feeling away.

I have to go back here.. not too long ago.. about a yr.. maybe not even a yr. I had gone to the store to pick out a gift for Kyler's friend bday party. We came to the stop light and there was a woman standing there with a sign. I actually did have cash but I did lie and say that I didn't have any cash but that I would go to the fast food restaurant and buy her food. Kyler was only 5 at that time.. and he had a ton of questions. Asking why she needed food.. why she didn't have a home.. why she was asking for money. I tried my best to tell him that some ppl just don't have what we have. And we don't have a lot. It's not like we got whatever it is that anyone could have.. but I do try to give my children as much as a I can give them. They matter so much more then I do.

So this one particular day after we gave the food. Kyler says 'she said we were kind'. He was so proud that this lady (whether or not she has money or not)gave him this smile on his face to make him feel proud that he helped someone else.

After we gave her the food.. Ky was so cute. He said he was going to take out all of his money and buy her a house so that she had somewhere to live and go home to.

If that is the only thing that I can give to my children is for them to see others for just the simple being of God's creation then I can leave this world being happy.

As for that particular day it will never be forgotten. I got to experienced that joy that you might have helped someone gave them hope and see that my child saw that.. It's probably the biggest part that he saw how to treat another person regardless or what they have or don't have. And that no matter what someone might be trying to take from you that you can give .. that giving is something more then taking. And that sometimes there are definitely those moments that others Need more then what you have. And I do definitely believe that if that those people that just take..

I'm sick tho of seeing ppl say well I gave this much or that. When you give you don't keep track. You might remember because it impacted you but you don't say within one year I did this much for that group or that person. No .. I don't agree with that. What gives you that right.. oh to have others give you that atta boy?? Good for you ?? really? REALLY? Just tired of others feeling that they need someone to pat them on the back for actually being kind. For actually stepping aside in the grocery line and letting someone go before them because they have less. Or because your not really that busy. To allow someone to pull out in front of you and just say okay .. nothing more don't honk your horn. Just say that didn't do anything to me except gave me another 2 seconds to be here. TO BE HERE!

Giving is supposed to between you and them. Not to everyone else. So giving doesn't have to be money necessarily .. a bill a coin. But my mind in how I think of money is a whole different mindset.


Giving can protecting. Do we always do it right.. yep nope.. But to know that someone is there behind you .. being there as much as they can. That is alone a gift too.

So what someone gives me can be kind it works. Can be a smile. They give me these snapshots in my mind that make me feel good. Those are the best givings!!!! ... to me anyways..

Week Fifteen: HP

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do week 15. And then I came across this.

To think of being happy right now seems like such a stretch. So much has been happening lately that just makes me feel like I am being buried alive. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe and I have the world against me. Seems like if anything can go wrong right now.. it's going wrong.

Then this picture comes along. And it relaxes me in some way. That he has me. That I might be hurting and sad right now but he's going to be my light that brings me out of this gloom.

All I have anymore is faith and hope. Guess that's probably what you are supposed to have right? They are just starting to come in though. It's been hard to let go and think that he has something better planned for me and it doesn't matter what I look like to achieve what God has planned for me. I'm sure he probably knows better then I do.





I have to let go and believe that something else is out there .. I have to trust in him. I am doing that.. just slowly. And I'm hoping that I'll be able to open up more. It is just hard when others hurt me to believe .. ya ..

But I do believe in God. I just have to hand over the reigns to him and truly trust in his path.