Week Fifteen: HP

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do week 15. And then I came across this.

To think of being happy right now seems like such a stretch. So much has been happening lately that just makes me feel like I am being buried alive. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe and I have the world against me. Seems like if anything can go wrong right now.. it's going wrong.

Then this picture comes along. And it relaxes me in some way. That he has me. That I might be hurting and sad right now but he's going to be my light that brings me out of this gloom.

All I have anymore is faith and hope. Guess that's probably what you are supposed to have right? They are just starting to come in though. It's been hard to let go and think that he has something better planned for me and it doesn't matter what I look like to achieve what God has planned for me. I'm sure he probably knows better then I do.





I have to let go and believe that something else is out there .. I have to trust in him. I am doing that.. just slowly. And I'm hoping that I'll be able to open up more. It is just hard when others hurt me to believe .. ya ..

But I do believe in God. I just have to hand over the reigns to him and truly trust in his path.

Week Fourteen : Thanksgivings

THANKSGIVING

This year is my hardest. I've always gave thanks for everything that I have. I go to church to give thanks for what GOD has given me. With that I am absolutely sadden.

A year ago.. :) I loved my life. And I've lived with ED for 17 yrs.. getting close to 18 yrs. Now this fight against Ed feels like it's destroying me! I'm confused and alone ..

I would give thanks that I am still alive and kicking =)

I have a husband that for one reason or another has stood by me.. he's stood by me!

I have 3 beautiful boys!!!!!

They are frustrating that's for sure. Hard. Not because they are not trying but because I am trying to fight Ed so much that it's so hard to now handle them and I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I can't do enough.

I am trying to keep this as lite as I can but I am in a real low place and I'm trying to not be. I just don't have the energy right now to fight against Ed, or my doctor, or my t. Or then dealing with the boys homework/sports/clothes/cleaning. Trying to figure out times for me to just be able to relax and be alone. My only alone place is the bathroom. So I am just in a tough spot.

To go back.. To end it.. I give thanks that God blessed me with 3 boys.. and that I am some reason still alive. I hope to believe that he has something more for me.. *fingers crossed*.

Week Thirteen : Forgiveness

Okay I have to start off that I am totally pissed off because I went to publish my whole thing and for some reason it deleted it along with another that I had intended to delete. So to say that pretty much not in a good mood!

Forgiveness is hard for me!

I don't know how to explain it .. because I do say I forgive you and I want to forgive you but I will hold onto whatever it was that you did to me until your proven to me that you had actually chosen a different way or you actually felt bad for how you have wronged me .. I just can't let that go!

The hardest thing is tho .. I'll give you so many chances. I will constantly let you disappoint me and hurt me only so that some reason some way we can have a relationship. Whether it's my husband, my mom, my friends.. other people .. I will constantly let you in and everytime it just gets harder when you fail me.

I don't think I'm asking for much.. I really don't. If you want to be honest with me and it's something that hurts.. I won't like it in that moment but after thinking about it I will understand you were just trying to help and I'm then fine with it. I don't want to fight anymore I just think life is to short for that crap!

I can't forgive my mother. Hah, I don't even think she'd apologize for anything. She'd probably just say that's what a mom is supposed to be there I'm not there to be your friend.. blah blah blah. I shouldn't say I can't forgive her.. because I in a way have. I'm trying to move forward with her in my life before either she or I dies .. so I have in a sense said okay you were 11 or when I was 5.. that was so long ago.. your 31 now you have to release that.

Then comes a whole knew thing.. I worked for a woman in college at a daycare center and ya.. I worked there for 3 years she took care of my son and I did everything I could for her. I told her of Ed and when I met my husb and had to quit just because I was graduating and needed to make more money and apparently I upsetted her, she went to another person in my work (who I didn't know) and told them about my Ed and just to watch me .. watch me eat and look what I'm doing to Brayden. For god sakes I'm sorry he's 3! He didn't know shit from shit. And WHY would you do that?? What was her purpose.. oh just to say how I'm I don't know crazy and just a horrible person and mother??? Sorry!! SORRY! I am not the best. I try tho .. God knows I try!

But I continue to let everyone and everything push me to ED. I can't say it enough.. Ed has been my backbone, NoOne else has ever shown me that they were there for me and appreicated me just in that moment. No you don't need to like me in every moment.. but every once in a while would be nice.

Forgiveness.. I need to learn more of it to be acceptable. I like to say that I forgive you.. but.. But I hate that word but, I will never forget the damage you

Week Twelve: Those ones in my life

I know I suggested this topic.. so first and foremost I hope it's alright with all of you.

When it comes to the person or persons in my life.. here they are

That's my mother/dad/brothers/sister-in-laws/brother-in-law/nieces/nephews/and my husband and children.

We for the most part are a really happy family. We get along well. We love to laugh and joke with one another. I love being around them.. but I don't get to often now since the move.

Guess that's life tho .. moving on. So now this is my .. I don't even have a word for it..

I don't want to say this is my 'new family'.. cause they are apart of my old. But it's just different ..which different and change and me.. don't mix well!

It's hard too with Ed.. cause now everyone knows of Ed but not everyone is so supportive. So it's really hard dealing with them .. deciding if they should be apart of my life further .. or if I just need to 'take a break'?! I'm very undecided on that.

The one thing that I am decided on .. is I LOVE MY FAMILY!!

The one that I know that I can always depend on is my sister:) Just thinking about her makes me smile! She's always there.. not matter what time of day or night! And trust me there's been nights!! Just for some reason she's never gaven up on me!

I remember when I was in 7th grade on vball and she was helping coach and she was like picture the ball as a head of someone you are hating.. well at that time.. it was her. I don't like that anymore. I mean I was at least able to serve really well but now looking back and how much she's always been there for me.. thick and thin. Just hate it.. hate me!

One time haha.. we were swimming.. I was gosh 18 so she would have been 25ish.. maybe 26?! Anyways.. Uck.. that was actually at a really bad part of my life a point that I'd rather not go into right now.. but we were swimming in a tube and just laying there talking. Anyways ended up clear across the lake and I had to swim us back to the shore. I don't know how to express my feelings to my sister at all. She's the best person I've ever been blessed with in this world. Just wished I would have asked for her and trusted her before now. Cause now I'm sad and guilty and just confused.

And when I speak of family..
he's my other Big part of my family.. my nephew.He came into my life when I was 11.. and it was such an impact. And that kid has got to be one of the greatest kids that I know!!! Just a lot happened at that time.. with my parents and sister (she was only 17) and just life took it's tole I guess.. ?!?! But I love him to death!!!

Well actually there's a lot of people that I can bring into that were important. .. Some that are no longer in my life probably because of Ed maybe?! Or maybe just because of the way life takes us.. but Ed has a way of saying things differently.

Anyways.. my life is now surrounded by my husband and children.
And they are so fun Do Not Get Me Wrong!!:) I LOVE them to death!!!

So my family are probably the most imporatant people in my life! They at times are not the ones I want to be around but I have this feeling that I need family and I want family. And I will teach my children that family are always there! That they'll be your strongest supporters and wanting the best for you. Those are my most important people!

Week Eleven: Recovery

Oh my lord.. Recovery.. RECOVERY?!?! Hmm.. Ya that's almost like
a big term to me right now!
Why do I want recovery.. somedays I'm not sure why I want
recovery. Somedays recovery isn't a thought. Ed does a well good job of taking
that over and making sure of not dealing with recovery. But really I don't want
to die from this.. I don't want my children putting my body into the ground and
having to live their life saying well my mom choose to do this. No I didn't
really choose to have Ed.. Ed just came apart of me and pulling myself away
isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom today said it's like quiting smoking. And my remark back
was laughing and saying how many times did you try to quit!? This is my first
time. Kind of a f*** off thing!
Long term goals.. that's easy .. I want to spend the rest of my
life with Tom. I want to just relax and be with him and have fun. When I say
fun I mean sitting on the porch swing or just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating.. aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will be something better then what I am living now!
or
just doing nothing just being together and looking at each other and being able
to smile at one another and feel .. feel that feeling you get when you smile
and breath. Something about it just makes me feel perfect!!
I'm not sure with Ed.. It's so hard dealing with him day by day
and then to think about dealing with him for the rest .. frustrating..
aggrivating.. But in that same sentence. I'm not giving up!!! I do believe life
will be better! I'm going to push myself threw and I am believing that it will
be something better then what I am living now!

Week Ten: Accomplishments

Me and accomplishments are always up and down!

Lets see when I was in highschool I did strive, I played basketball, volleyball, and track. I have a lot of medals and placks that I have wanted to throw away because that part of my life is gone and they seem to mean nothing to me. I think it's because I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't push just a little more. Why I didn't just do a little more?! But Tom has convinced me to hold onto them .. so maybe one day I'll look at them and be proud of what I did do. I hope so..

I did have a scholarship to my college for volleyball. I actually am proud to say that I got offers to 8 different schools and the one school I wanted to go to my parents wouldn't allow me to so I was stuck at the one. And then well ..

I was blessed with a beautiful wonderful boy. =) It was really hard going through that all.. having to tell my team my coach my family haha not funny but ya. I did try back out for the team that next spring but it was going to be too much time away from Brayden and also doing school work. Having to pay for a babysitter.. just too much.

So when it comes to accomplishments now I think of them differently then saying I got first place or went to state and we won. My accomplishments are these three..



There are my days that I could am probably am insane. But at the sametime I live right now for them. I try to teach them how to teach each other telling them constantly no matter what or who noone else will ever be their brother. They have just each other and to always be there for one another. To be kind because it sucks the way others treat one another. These three are my BIGGEST accomplishments! And I'll make sure that I can do everything possible to give them a wonderful life. One that when they are older will hopefully not be too disappointed =) fingers crossed!

I mean I did get my bacholars in a Composite of Social Science that if I were to teach I could teach 6 different subjects. I loved school. Hating doing the work but I loved listening and learning different things. Specially history. Also have a Major in History because I just happened to take so many classes in it lol!

My accomplishments might seem simple or not as .. oh.. I can't think of the word.. but they are mine. They are three boys that I'm raising .. trying to do my best and give them the world. Give them something more.. All that other stuff seems nothing to me right now. I need to give my children the world so my great accomplishment will seeing my boys happy and smiling. I love them to death and they make me smile and laugh.. oh and don't get me wrong they are not angels at all=) but they are wonderful boys I believe. What parent doesn't think that way right ?! Lol.

So that's it that's my accomplishment. I gave birth to 3 beautiful boys who have impacted my world in a wonderful way.

My Week 9: Egg Shells

Egg shells" .. people always refer to them don't they?!

I'm tired of 'egg shells'! I just don't want to play by someone elses rules. When does it become my rules?! Why do I constantly have to say the right thing or do the right thing. Sorry sometimes I f*** up! =) What can I say?! Obviously I am not perfect. Things that come out of me and what I think might not be the way intended.. sorry but hey that's me!

What I feel is what I feel. Sometimes I'm all over the place. Happy then sad, usually mad cause mad is so much easier then crying and being hurt. And really Ed loves Mad. He'll tell me don't let them see you cry don't let them see that your hurt. Put that smile on and everything will be just great. Look how you can pretend that your just fine and they don't affect you at all! See you beat them!

Instead I didn't beat anyone except myself!

At everything I have to be 'perfect'. Ug! I'm far from perfect. Is there even a perfect?! I wouldn't think so but you have to stretch as far as you can to get to that perfect right?? no.. No no wait!

I am perfect. I am perfect .. perfect with my flaws. Now if I could only kick Ed arse to the side:) That's my hard part!

I Luckily have my husband by my side..
I don't know what I would do without him. I worried that I'll lose him after all this battle I guess time will only tell. But I couldn't ask for more for someone to be patient/worried/upset all at the same time dealing with me and with Ed.

I guess one hand it's hard to understand why he'd stay by me?? It's hard for me to feel love. To actually believe that I'm loved.. I don't know why I feel not worth it but at the same time I feel like I deserve a respect. Like I deserved to be treated a certain way.. it's just a I'm not even sure how to say it but like I deserve a respect or a way to be treated but then again I'm not worth it. Guess that's me and Ed battling ?!?!

Thought this was cute!=)

this litte pic.. it's like move over bitch! Saying I'm not going to worry about you I need to worry about me! And I need to do that. Only problem is I'm in that stuck place trying to let go of what I know and what I need to do.

I tend to just forget. Pretend it doesn't or didn't happen. I think that's why I love the sky so much.

"You can just get lost in it.

Day or Night. Clouds or Stars. Just calming and I don't have to feel or think anything except to just be..

I honestly do not feel like I'm asking for much.. I don't need money, a new car, a new dress a new anything.. I just want to feel calm. I want to feel that beautiful part of being in a rocker on my porch just listening to the simple parts of life and being able to smile at it.

So week 9. I am confused/lost and all over the place. I know what I want in the end just haven't problems getting there. But I do believe that I'll get to that beautiful cloud that just is. I need to look more into myself and believe more in myself and I think .. I believe I can and will get there.. Just might take me some time.