My best life lesson is the fact that now I live in a big city. Growing up in a small town of 1000 pop. everyone has an opinon on how you act what you do, who you are.. just stupid shit!
At times I hate the fact that I live in such a heavy popluated place, but at the same time it's like.. chances of me really seeing you again are not that likely so do what you do and I'll do what I do. I don't need you to judge me and I don't care if you do because you don't matter to me. The ones that matter to me are my husband children my brothers and sister, my parents and close friends. Other then that you don't matter to me. Might sound mean to say but really I don't need your judgements.. I judge myself enough that I don't need you to say anything:)
So I've started this brush it off your shoulder thing. Trying to teach my children that too. And my 8 yr old is so funny cause as soon as I start to get irritated he takes his hand and brushes my shoulder:) And I'll say exactly.. it isn't that big of a deal. Let them be them and I'll be me.
I've learned a lot about myself over the past couple years trying to get myself back on track. It's amazing how invovled you can get without even knowing really what or why your doing things. And now I see it. Not that I always react in the correct manor:) Cause I have a pretty good wall built up. If you come at me, my wall goes Up and my Claws come out!
The one thing that pisses me off about it tho is that I always end up apologizing because I don't like the way that I handled it so then I say I'm sorry. Not that I'm sorry for what I believed, but sorry because I could have dealt with it in another way. But most people don't understand that and they think that I'm apologizing saying they were right. (specially my mother!)
One life lesson that I have learned.. or at least I'm teaching myself to learn is that it's okay to be 'selfish' to protect myself so that I can live a happier life. It's okay that I have to take care of myself. That I have to to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter. And if others have an issue with that, well then that's their issue not mine. I need to get better so I can live and laugh and cry and scream:) Gotta have it all to know how each of the feel. So call me a "selfish bitch" (my mother did) and you know what I'll say Yes I am! Deal with it haha!
Every day can be another lesson or journey or whatever you want to make of it. It's your life you decide!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
Week 50: My special Place
Special Place.. well the first thing that comes to mind, well I don't want to mention it. But usually when I get upset or frustrated it's where I go. I like to go into places that are tight and dark and loud so I can't hear anything. So I just can feel myself breath and relax .. maybe cry .. but bring myself back to a norm.
The other places I like to go is outside. Whether it's sitting in the grass or on the hammock.. just with the sun shinning down on me giving me warmth I feel relaxed and it helps calm me in any situation.
Reality is .. my special place is anywhere that I can just breath be calm and relax. Maybe cry maybe laugh. But just somewhere that I feel I'm not stressing over everything else.
Anything that blocks out the rest of reality at times.. Gives me my moment to live in.
The other places I like to go is outside. Whether it's sitting in the grass or on the hammock.. just with the sun shinning down on me giving me warmth I feel relaxed and it helps calm me in any situation.
Reality is .. my special place is anywhere that I can just breath be calm and relax. Maybe cry maybe laugh. But just somewhere that I feel I'm not stressing over everything else.
Anything that blocks out the rest of reality at times.. Gives me my moment to live in.
Week 49: Traditions
Oh I LOVE traditions!!! I have so many:) It's a thing about me.. idk why but ya.
Lets see, first well my family all lives back in SD. before we moved we would always go back for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Here I still try to hold onto what I like.
Lets see. To start with Thanksgiving.. I don't really care for Tom's family. And I know that's horrible to say. But they just are not like what I consider a family to be. They all do their own thing no one really cares about the other. They are so selfish it's ridiculous! So haha.. going on a tangent there. I like to have Thanksgiving with my husband and 3 boys. It's a nice relaxing day just hanging out playing games as a family.
Now Christmas.. We always go out and the kids get to pick out an oridments and then we pick out a family one. That's something new that I started with my family. WE have one for each year and I love to decorate the tree that way. Xmas Eve is always the day that we open the presents. They get to open one gift before mass and then the rest after dinner. Which is ALWAYS chili and chicken noodle soup:) Christmas day is always Santa gifts and then we go over to my mother in laws.. yaayy Not! Haha!!! I'm always ready to get the heck out of there ASAP!! haha
Now the one tradition that I absolutely LOVE!! The 4th of July. The main reason behind it is because Tom and I had met a couple months beforehand. And we went to the firework show in Deadwood, SD. We were standing up on this side of a hill and the fireworks were going off above us. His arms were wrapped around me and the booming just gave me chills. Probably was the first time I absolutely knew I was going to marry him. From then on the 4th has become my FAVORITE holiday! So we start out going to the parade, to coming home and having a BBQ which friends. Then to head back over to the skate park and have dinner and watch the fireworks. When we get home we set off our own firewords.
My other tradition is playing games. I love teaching the kids card games that I learned growing up.. or playing marbles. Having stupid fun and playing hide and go seek. :) Dancing and acting all sorts of crazy.. I want my children to feel comfortable in who they are and be proud of it! Nothing more I would love to see is for them to know that they are true to themselves and that is a good thing. You don't need to change yourself for anyone else. Well, as long as they are behaving correctly lol!
My other tradition is to say I love you like it was going out of style.. say it as many times as possible. Never let them think twice that I didn't love them with all my heart. Let them know that even tho I get upset I still love them with every ounce of my being. There's nothing that they could do that I would take my love away from them. Might not agree with it, but I would always be there some way some how.
Lets see, first well my family all lives back in SD. before we moved we would always go back for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Here I still try to hold onto what I like.
Lets see. To start with Thanksgiving.. I don't really care for Tom's family. And I know that's horrible to say. But they just are not like what I consider a family to be. They all do their own thing no one really cares about the other. They are so selfish it's ridiculous! So haha.. going on a tangent there. I like to have Thanksgiving with my husband and 3 boys. It's a nice relaxing day just hanging out playing games as a family.
Now Christmas.. We always go out and the kids get to pick out an oridments and then we pick out a family one. That's something new that I started with my family. WE have one for each year and I love to decorate the tree that way. Xmas Eve is always the day that we open the presents. They get to open one gift before mass and then the rest after dinner. Which is ALWAYS chili and chicken noodle soup:) Christmas day is always Santa gifts and then we go over to my mother in laws.. yaayy Not! Haha!!! I'm always ready to get the heck out of there ASAP!! haha
Now the one tradition that I absolutely LOVE!! The 4th of July. The main reason behind it is because Tom and I had met a couple months beforehand. And we went to the firework show in Deadwood, SD. We were standing up on this side of a hill and the fireworks were going off above us. His arms were wrapped around me and the booming just gave me chills. Probably was the first time I absolutely knew I was going to marry him. From then on the 4th has become my FAVORITE holiday! So we start out going to the parade, to coming home and having a BBQ which friends. Then to head back over to the skate park and have dinner and watch the fireworks. When we get home we set off our own firewords.
My other tradition is playing games. I love teaching the kids card games that I learned growing up.. or playing marbles. Having stupid fun and playing hide and go seek. :) Dancing and acting all sorts of crazy.. I want my children to feel comfortable in who they are and be proud of it! Nothing more I would love to see is for them to know that they are true to themselves and that is a good thing. You don't need to change yourself for anyone else. Well, as long as they are behaving correctly lol!
My other tradition is to say I love you like it was going out of style.. say it as many times as possible. Never let them think twice that I didn't love them with all my heart. Let them know that even tho I get upset I still love them with every ounce of my being. There's nothing that they could do that I would take my love away from them. Might not agree with it, but I would always be there some way some how.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Week 48: What motivates your for recovery?
I mean it falls back on my children. At times I feel helpless and selfish for my behaviors.. that I'm so consumed by my thoughts that I can't be the mother that they so are rightfully deserving of. But it does help me to push myself. To allow myself to go 'it's not about me' anymore. It's about them! And I so desperately want to be alive to see some grandbabies:) I want to see my boys grow into young men and wonderful husbands (cause if they don't I'll be the first one kicking their ass haha!!)
And also after this last year.. with my world turned upsidedown .. thinking that for some reason I was 'okay' ish.. but as soon as everything hit the ceiling .. well I still don't know what to think. It's hard getting out of Ed.. seperating. I mean I see the talk but there are times I'm so weak that I just follow because that's what I've always done.
Now, the times that I do fight hard and not listen.. well listen but not give in. I celebrate! I make it a BIG deal that I fought and I won. Those are the times that I continue to look at. Not my faults.. not what I didn't do 'right', but when I defeated ed and chose a different outlook. Definetly hard at times but I keep pushing to make better and better choices.
Life is a journey. If you were told it was going to be a bucket of roses.. well that's not the truth. It's not supposed to be a grand o'day every day.. if it was how would you know how to be happy. That's why you need to cry to be able to be laugh. You need to be sad to be able to happy. You need to be mad to feel the hurt. So that you can move forward. It's up to you to take each moment and realize what it is to help yourself to live, love and learn. No one said it would be easy:)
And also after this last year.. with my world turned upsidedown .. thinking that for some reason I was 'okay' ish.. but as soon as everything hit the ceiling .. well I still don't know what to think. It's hard getting out of Ed.. seperating. I mean I see the talk but there are times I'm so weak that I just follow because that's what I've always done.
Now, the times that I do fight hard and not listen.. well listen but not give in. I celebrate! I make it a BIG deal that I fought and I won. Those are the times that I continue to look at. Not my faults.. not what I didn't do 'right', but when I defeated ed and chose a different outlook. Definetly hard at times but I keep pushing to make better and better choices.
Life is a journey. If you were told it was going to be a bucket of roses.. well that's not the truth. It's not supposed to be a grand o'day every day.. if it was how would you know how to be happy. That's why you need to cry to be able to be laugh. You need to be sad to be able to happy. You need to be mad to feel the hurt. So that you can move forward. It's up to you to take each moment and realize what it is to help yourself to live, love and learn. No one said it would be easy:)
Week 47 : Somethings Worth Celebrating
My Children :)
Not really sure how they are products of me. They amaze me SO much!!
Brayden (my oldest) is on the honor role, So is Kyler (my middle child). Brayden made in on Junior Honors Society, and he's all in advance classes, he just made it on a competive soccer team. Last year he was one of 12 who got selected to go to Washington D.C. to show what they did. Which was for having a more Green world. He acts up and he gets in trouble, but at the same time I'm saying your not my kid haha.
Kyler has straight A's. He's in soccer, basketball, and baseball. He's such a sweetheart. One day, I gave a guy some money because on his sign it said he was homeless.. Ky says why doesn't he have a home? So I tried to as vaguely as possible explain that some ppl just don't have homes. He said well I think I should buy him a home. I giggle and said you can't baby you don't have enough money but it's a very nice thought. All we can do for him is pray. So then he said a prayer for him :) Such a sweetie!!
Zaelur is my joker. He thinks he's cute. Which not saying he isn't but he's not that cute is what I always say:) He comes up with the darnest things. The other day.. well first we went back and saw my family and he kept calling my brother a beaver. So we asked why do you call him a beaver? He goes cause Uncle Stever's a beaver.. hahaha!! Okay then. He's a little turd tho. He'll hid things all the time. He ripped money just yesterday and things I won't find it. I keep telling him I'll find it eventually always! And the longer it is the worse off you are.
They are and always will be my babies. Love you all!!!! So proud to be called your mother.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Week 46 : Energy Boost
My Energy Boost
There is nothing more then I love to be out in the sun in an open field. Nothing around but the sounds of the wind slowly blowing thru the grass, birds flying by, and even hearing cows:)
It's been something that I've loved since I was little. We used to live on a farm and there was no one near us. We'd go outside and it was just calm and relaxing to play in the warm weather with nothing really to do. It was .. it was great.
Even now when I go back home, and granted my parents moved closer in town so now there's cars going by, but nothing like the city. And I just love to go outside and have the sun heat my body and just look around. Never have I not smiled. I enjoy it so much.
My energy comes from just being relaxed and calm and feeling like I'm just there in the moment to let everything sink in. And the sun is a key factor:P I love the sun. Spring and Summer just light up my world. It's my favorite time. Something about being warm makes me feel alive and happy.
So breathe, let it all come in and just sit. Don't think. I need to probably do this more often:)
Monday, December 24, 2012
Week 45: 3 wishes
3 Wishes.. hmm..
I know the obviously answer is something that would change my life. Whether it just be for me to accept myself and be okay with that, or to have lots and lots of money:) haha.. But that's not the case.
My first wish:
We'll start from the top. And it'll go for my oldest Brayden. Maybe because I was a single mother working 3 part time jobs and going to college full time that there's just something between him and I that could probably never be replaced. At least on my side.. but I wish that he will continue to push himself in a direction that will give him the credit he deserves. He'll see how wonderful of a person he truly is. How to look into others and be aware of how he treats one another and hold strong to what he believes in. To know how hard it is to take back words and apologize for lies told. So always take the high road and be a man of integrity. That as long as he tries that is good enough by me and really that's all that truly matters haha
Second will go to Kyler. I hope that he embracing this compasionate side that he has. That he will learn that this is something to be proud of and practically every woman would love:) That he doesn't hesitate on how smart he really is and he knows that no matter what he has a strong unit standing behind him to help him in every which way possible to further his dreams. To never give up on his dreams! To believe in himself. For him to not get discouraged with failure, but to realize that he might need to just put that much more into it for it to happen. And it's okay to try again to get it.
Third wish goes to Zaelur. First and foremost.. that he learns that he doesn't need to scream to talk or laugh and that everyone can hear him. Good lord! But I hope that he sees in himself the fun smilie child that he is. How he wants to be a giver and make people happy because it makes him happy. BUT.. to understand that others could take advantage over it and be cautious at the same time. To take his own way and direction and not follow others, but be a leader at times to show the difference in ways can be. For him to know that he is a fighter and he can survive the most difficult times. To continue to love Jesus and going to church (really not sure where he got that from but proud that he loves going to church). To just continue to love.
A combination for all of them. To know that thru thick and thin, Family will always be there! Whether we are here physically or just memories but to know that there is always someone cheering them on. Know that they might fight and argue, but know that they are brothers and brothers they will always be. Take that and run with it. There is no one that can replace the other and be proud that they are who they are. Be kind to one another, yet hit the other on top of the head when misbehaving. Teach and learn with one another to be the men that I know you can be.
Will always love you and I hope you all the most happiness that life can bring you. Know that it's not always a basket of roses, sometimes you might get stung by a bee, but doesn't mean you should stop smelling them because of the one bad moment. Love love love you all!!
I know the obviously answer is something that would change my life. Whether it just be for me to accept myself and be okay with that, or to have lots and lots of money:) haha.. But that's not the case.
My first wish:
We'll start from the top. And it'll go for my oldest Brayden. Maybe because I was a single mother working 3 part time jobs and going to college full time that there's just something between him and I that could probably never be replaced. At least on my side.. but I wish that he will continue to push himself in a direction that will give him the credit he deserves. He'll see how wonderful of a person he truly is. How to look into others and be aware of how he treats one another and hold strong to what he believes in. To know how hard it is to take back words and apologize for lies told. So always take the high road and be a man of integrity. That as long as he tries that is good enough by me and really that's all that truly matters haha
Second will go to Kyler. I hope that he embracing this compasionate side that he has. That he will learn that this is something to be proud of and practically every woman would love:) That he doesn't hesitate on how smart he really is and he knows that no matter what he has a strong unit standing behind him to help him in every which way possible to further his dreams. To never give up on his dreams! To believe in himself. For him to not get discouraged with failure, but to realize that he might need to just put that much more into it for it to happen. And it's okay to try again to get it.
Third wish goes to Zaelur. First and foremost.. that he learns that he doesn't need to scream to talk or laugh and that everyone can hear him. Good lord! But I hope that he sees in himself the fun smilie child that he is. How he wants to be a giver and make people happy because it makes him happy. BUT.. to understand that others could take advantage over it and be cautious at the same time. To take his own way and direction and not follow others, but be a leader at times to show the difference in ways can be. For him to know that he is a fighter and he can survive the most difficult times. To continue to love Jesus and going to church (really not sure where he got that from but proud that he loves going to church). To just continue to love.
A combination for all of them. To know that thru thick and thin, Family will always be there! Whether we are here physically or just memories but to know that there is always someone cheering them on. Know that they might fight and argue, but know that they are brothers and brothers they will always be. Take that and run with it. There is no one that can replace the other and be proud that they are who they are. Be kind to one another, yet hit the other on top of the head when misbehaving. Teach and learn with one another to be the men that I know you can be.
Will always love you and I hope you all the most happiness that life can bring you. Know that it's not always a basket of roses, sometimes you might get stung by a bee, but doesn't mean you should stop smelling them because of the one bad moment. Love love love you all!!
Week 44: What is your favorite time of the holidays
No brainer for me, only problem is that I don't see it much anymore. But here are the times that we're my favorite.
Growin up in a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister, it was like there was always something fun to do. Whether it was going sledding, play fox and the hen, or just making snow angels. To decorating the tree, playing games and eating lots and lots of cookies:P (that's my ultimate favorite haha).
So, when we all added our spouses to the mix, and the grandchildren, it just became more fun. To sit and have the kids run around inside and out, constantly having to watch the cookies before it was too late and the 2 yr old took off with 10 hah. But we just loved playing games, watching movies, or oh another all time favorite is playing Mario Kart in the Foley household.
There were those holidays tho that something would happen and someone would be in a fight. I only did it once because my son was sick and my older brother decided to comment on him crying and I just about .. no I did go off on him. My dad told him to get out.. oops.. he didn't and things were fine. He later apologized, after he had his own children and got to experience it on his own time.
But my family is what makes me the happiest, it's what makes me light up inside and feel good. Unfortunately ever since we moved, things have been different. Obviously can't go home as much, and Tom's side of the family. Well to say the least, they suck! His step father always leaves to go somewhere right after dinner. He doesn't talk much unless you talk to him about something he enjoys which isn't much for me. His sister is a spoiled little bitch that believes everything should be about her. His brother, now he has changed because he recently got married and had a baby. I think he's stepped up to the plate. Only problem is he's upset with us because we don't drive an hr to see him all the time, and in which they NEVER came to see us.. but okay now I'm going off on a tangent. But Tom's mom thought that she could somehow replace my families activities. And that lastest like a whole 5 seconds. Tom's siblings were like what are we doing, and then that was about it.
So unfortunately I miss my family dearly. I can't say I like hearing all the yelling (kids and mom), but I miss the fact that we were all around each other and we're able to laugh and enjoy the time that we had together. Some day I'll be back there again.. hopefully sooner then later:)
Growin up in a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister, it was like there was always something fun to do. Whether it was going sledding, play fox and the hen, or just making snow angels. To decorating the tree, playing games and eating lots and lots of cookies:P (that's my ultimate favorite haha).
So, when we all added our spouses to the mix, and the grandchildren, it just became more fun. To sit and have the kids run around inside and out, constantly having to watch the cookies before it was too late and the 2 yr old took off with 10 hah. But we just loved playing games, watching movies, or oh another all time favorite is playing Mario Kart in the Foley household.
There were those holidays tho that something would happen and someone would be in a fight. I only did it once because my son was sick and my older brother decided to comment on him crying and I just about .. no I did go off on him. My dad told him to get out.. oops.. he didn't and things were fine. He later apologized, after he had his own children and got to experience it on his own time.
But my family is what makes me the happiest, it's what makes me light up inside and feel good. Unfortunately ever since we moved, things have been different. Obviously can't go home as much, and Tom's side of the family. Well to say the least, they suck! His step father always leaves to go somewhere right after dinner. He doesn't talk much unless you talk to him about something he enjoys which isn't much for me. His sister is a spoiled little bitch that believes everything should be about her. His brother, now he has changed because he recently got married and had a baby. I think he's stepped up to the plate. Only problem is he's upset with us because we don't drive an hr to see him all the time, and in which they NEVER came to see us.. but okay now I'm going off on a tangent. But Tom's mom thought that she could somehow replace my families activities. And that lastest like a whole 5 seconds. Tom's siblings were like what are we doing, and then that was about it.
So unfortunately I miss my family dearly. I can't say I like hearing all the yelling (kids and mom), but I miss the fact that we were all around each other and we're able to laugh and enjoy the time that we had together. Some day I'll be back there again.. hopefully sooner then later:)
Week 43 - Recovery Advice/Encouragment
Advice.. gosh I could so give it, but it's the taking my own advice that I have an issue with:)
The holidays are here for us to share in each others lives. To celebrate family and friendships that we have. Whether they are still with us, or if we just have to use our memories and maybe pictures to enjoy each other.
My advice I guess is look around. Look at the people that are there. Maybe they are not as signifcate in our lives, maybe they just touch it for a moment or sporadically, but they see something in us that for some reason we at times just can't seem to reach. So, let that sink in. Let it be known that there are great things about yourself and these people see them and want you to notice them as well.
My encouragment is to just laugh and smile for a bit. Don't think about anything else except just being you and in that moment. Let yourself sink into that place where your almost up above looking down and just feeling a sigh of relief that at times life isn't that bad.:)
So, enjoy your holidays. You'll make them what you want them to be. And we all deserve the very best in our own little way.
Merry Christmas everyone!
The holidays are here for us to share in each others lives. To celebrate family and friendships that we have. Whether they are still with us, or if we just have to use our memories and maybe pictures to enjoy each other.
My advice I guess is look around. Look at the people that are there. Maybe they are not as signifcate in our lives, maybe they just touch it for a moment or sporadically, but they see something in us that for some reason we at times just can't seem to reach. So, let that sink in. Let it be known that there are great things about yourself and these people see them and want you to notice them as well.
My encouragment is to just laugh and smile for a bit. Don't think about anything else except just being you and in that moment. Let yourself sink into that place where your almost up above looking down and just feeling a sigh of relief that at times life isn't that bad.:)
So, enjoy your holidays. You'll make them what you want them to be. And we all deserve the very best in our own little way.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Week 42: Handling/Overcoming frustrating/stressful Times
So here I go and suggest this topic, because I thought I had finally understood how to handle things. Then life hits me with a loop and I really don't know anymore.
Growing up I couldn't ever express myself. Even now it's hard for me to. So when I had things happen I just held it in and try to ignore it. Forget that it ever happened. I put up a pretty good wall. Not saying that people still couldn't hurt me, because they still did. I just tried to make sure that they never saw it.
Lately, I was doing well with things. If it got to me where I felt like it was becoming too much I would just walk away. Go listen to music, or sit in the bathroom because that's like the only place ppl won't bother me:) I stopped with the confrontations and just said whatever it's not worth it right now. I was doing good at picking my battles. (which I hadn't been for sometime).
So here I think I'm doing well. Things are on a positive note looking up. Then I got bad news. Scary news for me anyways. I still don't know what to think. I want to wake up and just find out it was all one HUGE nightmare. I've just been crying a lot and I have to figure out things. I'm just scared and lost and I want to hide under covers for days.
Not sure why I thought I was untouchable or something like that, but I just thought that everything would be okay. And I'm mad like at the world. I'm mad at me. I'm pissed at Tom for butting in my life, when things were just fine and ever since he had to do this to me it's one thing after another. I was really hoping that after what all happened last year and all the hurt that that was my rock bottem and things were going to start getting better. Guess I have a worse year this next year.
Well, maybe after, if everything works out. I'll be able to say how I handled things. Til then I really don't know now. I wish I had the answer because I could really use it right now:)
Growing up I couldn't ever express myself. Even now it's hard for me to. So when I had things happen I just held it in and try to ignore it. Forget that it ever happened. I put up a pretty good wall. Not saying that people still couldn't hurt me, because they still did. I just tried to make sure that they never saw it.
Lately, I was doing well with things. If it got to me where I felt like it was becoming too much I would just walk away. Go listen to music, or sit in the bathroom because that's like the only place ppl won't bother me:) I stopped with the confrontations and just said whatever it's not worth it right now. I was doing good at picking my battles. (which I hadn't been for sometime).
So here I think I'm doing well. Things are on a positive note looking up. Then I got bad news. Scary news for me anyways. I still don't know what to think. I want to wake up and just find out it was all one HUGE nightmare. I've just been crying a lot and I have to figure out things. I'm just scared and lost and I want to hide under covers for days.
Not sure why I thought I was untouchable or something like that, but I just thought that everything would be okay. And I'm mad like at the world. I'm mad at me. I'm pissed at Tom for butting in my life, when things were just fine and ever since he had to do this to me it's one thing after another. I was really hoping that after what all happened last year and all the hurt that that was my rock bottem and things were going to start getting better. Guess I have a worse year this next year.
Well, maybe after, if everything works out. I'll be able to say how I handled things. Til then I really don't know now. I wish I had the answer because I could really use it right now:)
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Week 41: Dream Job
Well lets start off with this. When I graduated high school, I thought I would like to teach. Then getting to college, playing volleyball, getting pregnant:), losing my scholarships.. ya took me in a different direction.
I thought I would like to teach Math for like say anywhere from 4th grade to like sophomores. But then the more I got thinking about it it just didn't feel like something I was truly passionate about Plus too, it just doesn't help listening to my other 2 brothers and sister who teach and having to deal with parents. Mainly because when I was growing up it was either I did it or didn't do it. Had nothing to do with the teacher I knew what was expected and if I didn't get there then it was my responsibility to get there. So I figured teaching wasn't the right direction for me. Mainly because I would put a lot of blame on the parents unless it was something that I truly missed or overlooked and then I would take my responsibility, but for the most part I believe once your getting into high school, even middle school for that part, the parents need to step it up more.. anyways.. hah
I figured just to take my generals and see what road that took me. It didn't take me long. I feel in love with History. It fascinated me. It was defiantly classes that for the rest of college that I would refuse to miss. I bought so many books one different subjects about it. On countries and presidents. I just don't know what it is that I find striking but I do. So I ended up graduating with a degree in Social Sciences, which if I were to be a teacher :) I could have taught History, Geography, Political Science, Sociology, Psychology, Economics, and Government.
When I graduated, I wanted to become a social worker. Only problem was I was a single mother of one and in South Dakota they expect you to just go to the other side of the state for weeks and possibly come back or maybe not .. stay there for awhile. I just couldn't do that to my son. Anyways..
I basically have two dream jobs. Possibly even three haha. One when I was graduating was to be a Social Worker. I like to file things and have things in order so I thought I would be good at that. Not so sure if I would be good with the hands on job if it came to that, mainly because the mother instinct would come into play and then.. I'm not so nice. But then working in a museum. Mainly tho the ones that have a lot of history to them .. not saying obviously the ones that have dinosaurs and what not don't, but I just want ones that tell in detail about the heritage of that state or others and what went on during those days. And I did work at a museum for a while. We got pregnant with my second (his first) but I was also working 40 plus hours waitressing and that job was paying a lot more. So that was the route I needed to take. But really to work in a museum I would just love.
So my 3rd dream job. Kinda doing that one. I always wanted to stay at home with the kids. Being able to help them out with homework and what not. Just to have someone always around. I like it to a point. If I had a babysitter it would be better:) Just so that I could get out every once in awhile without having to drag one or another, but I also figure that day will come soon enough where they will be old enough and won't even want to come along either. It does get difficult running around all across town to get them to one place to another. Not the way I grew up so they I worry. But I do enjoy being home with them and being able to make them meals and us sit down for dinner together. And that they are getting to play in sports or activities that they want to. It does get hard, but I figure in the long run that's all that matters. But I swear when they turn 18 if I don't go on a cruise I'm gonna be pissed LOL:)
Life takes us in all different directions. It's what you do when your handed those cards .. you get to decide. That is what matters.
I thought I would like to teach Math for like say anywhere from 4th grade to like sophomores. But then the more I got thinking about it it just didn't feel like something I was truly passionate about Plus too, it just doesn't help listening to my other 2 brothers and sister who teach and having to deal with parents. Mainly because when I was growing up it was either I did it or didn't do it. Had nothing to do with the teacher I knew what was expected and if I didn't get there then it was my responsibility to get there. So I figured teaching wasn't the right direction for me. Mainly because I would put a lot of blame on the parents unless it was something that I truly missed or overlooked and then I would take my responsibility, but for the most part I believe once your getting into high school, even middle school for that part, the parents need to step it up more.. anyways.. hah
I figured just to take my generals and see what road that took me. It didn't take me long. I feel in love with History. It fascinated me. It was defiantly classes that for the rest of college that I would refuse to miss. I bought so many books one different subjects about it. On countries and presidents. I just don't know what it is that I find striking but I do. So I ended up graduating with a degree in Social Sciences, which if I were to be a teacher :) I could have taught History, Geography, Political Science, Sociology, Psychology, Economics, and Government.
When I graduated, I wanted to become a social worker. Only problem was I was a single mother of one and in South Dakota they expect you to just go to the other side of the state for weeks and possibly come back or maybe not .. stay there for awhile. I just couldn't do that to my son. Anyways..
I basically have two dream jobs. Possibly even three haha. One when I was graduating was to be a Social Worker. I like to file things and have things in order so I thought I would be good at that. Not so sure if I would be good with the hands on job if it came to that, mainly because the mother instinct would come into play and then.. I'm not so nice. But then working in a museum. Mainly tho the ones that have a lot of history to them .. not saying obviously the ones that have dinosaurs and what not don't, but I just want ones that tell in detail about the heritage of that state or others and what went on during those days. And I did work at a museum for a while. We got pregnant with my second (his first) but I was also working 40 plus hours waitressing and that job was paying a lot more. So that was the route I needed to take. But really to work in a museum I would just love.
So my 3rd dream job. Kinda doing that one. I always wanted to stay at home with the kids. Being able to help them out with homework and what not. Just to have someone always around. I like it to a point. If I had a babysitter it would be better:) Just so that I could get out every once in awhile without having to drag one or another, but I also figure that day will come soon enough where they will be old enough and won't even want to come along either. It does get difficult running around all across town to get them to one place to another. Not the way I grew up so they I worry. But I do enjoy being home with them and being able to make them meals and us sit down for dinner together. And that they are getting to play in sports or activities that they want to. It does get hard, but I figure in the long run that's all that matters. But I swear when they turn 18 if I don't go on a cruise I'm gonna be pissed LOL:)
Life takes us in all different directions. It's what you do when your handed those cards .. you get to decide. That is what matters.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Week 40: Favorite TV Show
Hmm.. Well I'm going to group TV shows together. My favorite TV shows are those that make me laugh. Something that's light and hilarious and just brings a gloomy day feeling better.
Growing up there was this one show but I can't remember the name. I just know that unfortunately was when my mom braided my hair while it was wet so that it was somewhat curly the next day.. dislike!:) haha. But the thing I liked about it was that the whole family was around watching it and everyone was laughing.
We also watched America's Funniest Videos. I still get a crack out of that! Some of them anyways.. others I just shake my head wondering how it made it on the show and others it's like OW! Those are the ones I can't laugh about.. just doesn't seem right. But I enjoy sitting around with the boys and watching them. They just get such a crack out of it that it's too good. And then it just brings me back to growing up and laughing with my brothers and sister and feeling like in some way I belonged.. if that makes sense:P
So I would have to say right now I love watching the Penguins of Madagascar with the boys. And they will always be like mom you wanna watch, which I like. Makes me feel like they will later in life remember those times and share it with their children and look back and smile.
Obviously now tho my shows have pretty much changed. I like the chase and just the kind of thinking aspect in finding the wrong doer. But I will never give up those shows. I still watch AFV and watch the Penguins with the kids. Their other shows now.. nope heck no!:)
One thing I have to point out is it's funny when they talk about cartoons that were on when I was young and they are amazed that they are still on. Thanks guys.. I know.. got the memo I'm old:)
Well, TV shows, for me they seem to bring my family together at times. That and game boards, but it's nice to sit around and laugh. And I love to see the boys think that I find something funny that they do. Kinda gives them that boost of that they are okay who they are.
Growing up there was this one show but I can't remember the name. I just know that unfortunately was when my mom braided my hair while it was wet so that it was somewhat curly the next day.. dislike!:) haha. But the thing I liked about it was that the whole family was around watching it and everyone was laughing.
We also watched America's Funniest Videos. I still get a crack out of that! Some of them anyways.. others I just shake my head wondering how it made it on the show and others it's like OW! Those are the ones I can't laugh about.. just doesn't seem right. But I enjoy sitting around with the boys and watching them. They just get such a crack out of it that it's too good. And then it just brings me back to growing up and laughing with my brothers and sister and feeling like in some way I belonged.. if that makes sense:P
So I would have to say right now I love watching the Penguins of Madagascar with the boys. And they will always be like mom you wanna watch, which I like. Makes me feel like they will later in life remember those times and share it with their children and look back and smile.
Obviously now tho my shows have pretty much changed. I like the chase and just the kind of thinking aspect in finding the wrong doer. But I will never give up those shows. I still watch AFV and watch the Penguins with the kids. Their other shows now.. nope heck no!:)
One thing I have to point out is it's funny when they talk about cartoons that were on when I was young and they are amazed that they are still on. Thanks guys.. I know.. got the memo I'm old:)
Well, TV shows, for me they seem to bring my family together at times. That and game boards, but it's nice to sit around and laugh. And I love to see the boys think that I find something funny that they do. Kinda gives them that boost of that they are okay who they are.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Week 39 : Favorite Time of the Day.
This is only complicated because there I guess is a few times during the day that I really enjoy. Most of them are being by myself and just being able to relax and hear peace and calm. And with 3 boys.. that's a difficult thing to have.
So my first favorite time is when I put them to bed. I enjoy saying prayers to them. I feel like I am giving them something more (eventho I had it as well I just feel like I'm caring it on). But then I love to be able to sit down and read or watch TV without the yelling or arguing that children have. It just makes it feel like I can breath.
An another time is waking up in the middle of the night. I hate it so much and enjoy it all at the same time. Everyone else is sleeping and can't bother me that I enjoy it. I can do things around the house or just get on the computer or whatever it is without someone behind me constantly.. and it makes me feel good.
The last time is in the early morning. Mainly because I wake up early in the morning and the boys are awake and I can at least get them to keep it down because I say "it's early in the morning" haha. Other times doesn't work.. so I take full advantage of it!
I for some reason like being in my peaceful alone place, where I'm not constantly being talked to. Guess that's the best way to describe it.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE laying in my hammock! (altho I do get bothered there) But I love to just lay and relax or look at the sky and just breath.
So I do have a few times of the day that I truly enjoy.. might be weird times but they are my times. Some moments I wished they weren't because I'm tired come morning or day time .. but it is what it is..
So my first favorite time is when I put them to bed. I enjoy saying prayers to them. I feel like I am giving them something more (eventho I had it as well I just feel like I'm caring it on). But then I love to be able to sit down and read or watch TV without the yelling or arguing that children have. It just makes it feel like I can breath.
An another time is waking up in the middle of the night. I hate it so much and enjoy it all at the same time. Everyone else is sleeping and can't bother me that I enjoy it. I can do things around the house or just get on the computer or whatever it is without someone behind me constantly.. and it makes me feel good.
The last time is in the early morning. Mainly because I wake up early in the morning and the boys are awake and I can at least get them to keep it down because I say "it's early in the morning" haha. Other times doesn't work.. so I take full advantage of it!
I for some reason like being in my peaceful alone place, where I'm not constantly being talked to. Guess that's the best way to describe it.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE laying in my hammock! (altho I do get bothered there) But I love to just lay and relax or look at the sky and just breath.
So I do have a few times of the day that I truly enjoy.. might be weird times but they are my times. Some moments I wished they weren't because I'm tired come morning or day time .. but it is what it is..
Friday, September 28, 2012
Week 38: Time
Where my time has gone?? Lord it feels like it came and went in a blink of an eye. I don't seem to know who I am what I want or where I'll be anymore. I honestly feel lost.
I started my so called journey about 2 yrs ago and it's caused me to go in a direction that I really don't like. I try to stay positive and think that you have to hit a rock bottem to be able to move forward, it's just now I don't know how much farther I have to go to hit it.
So this last year has caused me a lot of heartache. I've had many problems. Some are health wise, other finances, and others that I would rather not go into detail about. Pretty much embarrassing and not something I would like to go into detail about.
Basically it put me in this place or this title of a person that I know I am not and it's really hard to know I somehow am like in that category. And I got a lot of blame for something that I feel like I am partially responsible for but not solely.. so that makes it harder to deal with.
Well, so where have the time gone.. I have no idea.. where I am.. I feel stuck and lost and a bit confused on what to do next. Actually that's somewhat wrong. I know what I should probably do but I'm just not so willing to do it. At least not yet.
Okay so, this world is going by faster and faster for me and I feel more and more consumed by it. I'm not really sure how to change that or what to do.. I just keep praying that something will open my eyes and things will change.
I started my so called journey about 2 yrs ago and it's caused me to go in a direction that I really don't like. I try to stay positive and think that you have to hit a rock bottem to be able to move forward, it's just now I don't know how much farther I have to go to hit it.
So this last year has caused me a lot of heartache. I've had many problems. Some are health wise, other finances, and others that I would rather not go into detail about. Pretty much embarrassing and not something I would like to go into detail about.
Basically it put me in this place or this title of a person that I know I am not and it's really hard to know I somehow am like in that category. And I got a lot of blame for something that I feel like I am partially responsible for but not solely.. so that makes it harder to deal with.
Well, so where have the time gone.. I have no idea.. where I am.. I feel stuck and lost and a bit confused on what to do next. Actually that's somewhat wrong. I know what I should probably do but I'm just not so willing to do it. At least not yet.
Okay so, this world is going by faster and faster for me and I feel more and more consumed by it. I'm not really sure how to change that or what to do.. I just keep praying that something will open my eyes and things will change.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Week 37: Most meaningful Gift
My most meaningful gift is not a hard one. God blessed me with 3 wonderful sometime a pain in the butt but I would never change one thing about them. I love them to death!
Brayden is my oldest 11 now. Going to be turning 12 in a few months.. ahh! I got pregnant with him in college and lost my scholarship for volleyball. I tried back out for the team but it was just too much. I couldn't work, go to school, as well as raise him and then on top of that go to practices and work out. Didn't help that I was a single mother either. hah. The only thing I would have probably changed is the fact of his dad:) haha!! But it happened and I would not change that because he is such a great person. And watching him grow I am so proud that I could have brought him into this world .. he's amazing!
Then you have Kyler. He's a tricky one.When he was a baby, he did not love mommy. And I was working around 60 hrs a week so maybe that contributed to it or just maybe he was meant to be a daddy's boy .. who knows. Even now we don't know .. they'll be days that he'll just out of the blue say that he loves me, or that I look nice, or thank you for making me lunch. He gets pissy quite easily, but he's so caring at the same time. He's the one that looks at others and cares so much when he doesn't even know who they are or what they are going thru but just cares. I always tell him to say a prayer for them and you can see him do so. Oh and we recently found out he hates roller coasters.. and he doesn't really like to fly either:)
It is funny to see him with his youngest brother Zaelur. They hate and love each other all at the same time.. guess that's how it's supposed to be anyways right?!
So here's Zaebae as we call him. He's going to hate us eventually for the nickname I'm sure but we used to call him just baby and so the Zaebae came into affect. He was completely unexpected. We were just moving and about 2 weeks before we were to leave South Dakota to come to Nevada I found out I was pregnant. It was just a scare more then anything else and just knowing that you need to get a job while your pregnant .. it was hard but I did finally find one .. thank god! But I did go into labor early and there was complications. I didn't expect it. I mean I just had two healthy babies .. just assumed everything was fine and it turned out obviously okay, but it was a def. scare. He was in the hospital for 10 days and I was running around ragged. Going back and forth to the hospital to feed him or just to see him constantly. But he's good now that's all that matters!!
Zaelur is hilarious tho. He thinks he's the funniest person that ever lived. Which there are definitely times that it's just like what:) and it cracks you up. Other times it's like okay enough is enough just shush. He is very outgoing and adventurous. If anything he helps Kyler try new things. But Kyler teaches him new things when it comes to reading and writing. Brayden just teaches them everything on the whole. Braydens just a lot older that sometimes I wished he wouldn't be teaching them certain things!
What I love best about them is that I feel like I am letting them be them. They have a quirk about them and obviously as children they love to have fun. They love to fish, to go just wondering thru the rocks and trees when we go camping, they love to run in the rain. And I love letting them just live.
They are my most meaningful anything. I love them!
Brayden is my oldest 11 now. Going to be turning 12 in a few months.. ahh! I got pregnant with him in college and lost my scholarship for volleyball. I tried back out for the team but it was just too much. I couldn't work, go to school, as well as raise him and then on top of that go to practices and work out. Didn't help that I was a single mother either. hah. The only thing I would have probably changed is the fact of his dad:) haha!! But it happened and I would not change that because he is such a great person. And watching him grow I am so proud that I could have brought him into this world .. he's amazing!
Then you have Kyler. He's a tricky one.When he was a baby, he did not love mommy. And I was working around 60 hrs a week so maybe that contributed to it or just maybe he was meant to be a daddy's boy .. who knows. Even now we don't know .. they'll be days that he'll just out of the blue say that he loves me, or that I look nice, or thank you for making me lunch. He gets pissy quite easily, but he's so caring at the same time. He's the one that looks at others and cares so much when he doesn't even know who they are or what they are going thru but just cares. I always tell him to say a prayer for them and you can see him do so. Oh and we recently found out he hates roller coasters.. and he doesn't really like to fly either:)
It is funny to see him with his youngest brother Zaelur. They hate and love each other all at the same time.. guess that's how it's supposed to be anyways right?!
So here's Zaebae as we call him. He's going to hate us eventually for the nickname I'm sure but we used to call him just baby and so the Zaebae came into affect. He was completely unexpected. We were just moving and about 2 weeks before we were to leave South Dakota to come to Nevada I found out I was pregnant. It was just a scare more then anything else and just knowing that you need to get a job while your pregnant .. it was hard but I did finally find one .. thank god! But I did go into labor early and there was complications. I didn't expect it. I mean I just had two healthy babies .. just assumed everything was fine and it turned out obviously okay, but it was a def. scare. He was in the hospital for 10 days and I was running around ragged. Going back and forth to the hospital to feed him or just to see him constantly. But he's good now that's all that matters!!
Zaelur is hilarious tho. He thinks he's the funniest person that ever lived. Which there are definitely times that it's just like what:) and it cracks you up. Other times it's like okay enough is enough just shush. He is very outgoing and adventurous. If anything he helps Kyler try new things. But Kyler teaches him new things when it comes to reading and writing. Brayden just teaches them everything on the whole. Braydens just a lot older that sometimes I wished he wouldn't be teaching them certain things!
What I love best about them is that I feel like I am letting them be them. They have a quirk about them and obviously as children they love to have fun. They love to fish, to go just wondering thru the rocks and trees when we go camping, they love to run in the rain. And I love letting them just live.
They are my most meaningful anything. I love them!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Week 36: My Gift
So sorry Marnie, I looked at this and thought WTF I HAVE NOTHING!:) lol
When it comes to gifts my first thought is a possession. Some material like idea. I personally don't like materials. That's not what hits home to me anyways.
I thought of the gifts I did give. Christmas or birthdays, giving to a homeless person (which my husband says I do too often and that they probably are not homeless .. oh well)
Rather to me it's the idea of being there for someone for whatever reason.
Well, what I came up with is.. somehow I make ppl laugh. I don't really know how or why at times, but I'll say something or do something and they'll laugh. At first I thought it was out of just being nice to make me feel good, but after awhile now I see that sometimes it's actually genuine. Which is really surprising to me. I don't see what they see, but I love to hear them laugh and think or believe that I made them just a bit more almost like relaxed and feeling good.
My boys love when I say some things and they just crack up.. it's so funny! I feel like I am allowing and letting them know that it is perfectly fine to be exactly who they are and to be proud of themselves for that. I hope that's what they are learning:)
So that is the best I can come up with. I always learned or well was told that you smile at someone it might make their day better. I like to believe when I say hi and smile that in some way it does something to make them feel better.
When it comes to gifts my first thought is a possession. Some material like idea. I personally don't like materials. That's not what hits home to me anyways.
I thought of the gifts I did give. Christmas or birthdays, giving to a homeless person (which my husband says I do too often and that they probably are not homeless .. oh well)
Rather to me it's the idea of being there for someone for whatever reason.
Well, what I came up with is.. somehow I make ppl laugh. I don't really know how or why at times, but I'll say something or do something and they'll laugh. At first I thought it was out of just being nice to make me feel good, but after awhile now I see that sometimes it's actually genuine. Which is really surprising to me. I don't see what they see, but I love to hear them laugh and think or believe that I made them just a bit more almost like relaxed and feeling good.
My boys love when I say some things and they just crack up.. it's so funny! I feel like I am allowing and letting them know that it is perfectly fine to be exactly who they are and to be proud of themselves for that. I hope that's what they are learning:)
So that is the best I can come up with. I always learned or well was told that you smile at someone it might make their day better. I like to believe when I say hi and smile that in some way it does something to make them feel better.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Week 35: Turing point
Well, I missed last week just with being so involved in things .. so I'm doing both week 34 and 35 today:)
My turning point in my life.. hmm.. Honestly I think there's a lot. Like I can't just say one. So, here we go.
I would have to say the first in which I have explained to many of you is my house exploding with my brother, and parents inside. And the fact that even though it happened at 5 in the morning I still went to school that day. My sister did say something the other day that made me think more tho.. she said that mom probably just didn't know what to do and thought that would be the easiest thing for me is to do what I would have done if nothing happened. And I haven't really ever been mad at my parents for having me go to school, I honestly was more upset with the ppl at the school asking questions about my brother or even then the fact of my house because I didn't have the answers. But it was hard to lose everything and be living in a place that I never felt was my home. Then with that my brother and I grew very close over that time. (just to say I have 4 brothers and 1 sister) anyways..
The next changing point. It was a hard time but the aftermath I had a beautiful baby boy. I had received a scholarship for college to play volleyball and I did play my freshman yr. but that spring during practice I kept blacking out, so I went to the doctors to find out I was pregnant. Which to tell everyone was embarrassing. I didn't tell my parents right away, that's a story all in itself. But I went and lived with my sister that summer, and just to go to church and have ppl look down to see if I was wearing a ring was hard to take. To go back to college that fall and really everyone just thought I was fat at first to find out I was pregnant to say things .. But I need to take what was great about it .. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, I can't even describe how great it was that day. It hurt. I didn't want any meds and it hurt, but I would of never taken that back, the joy that I felt when I had him in my arms is indescribable.
Another turning point was then meeting my husband and getting married. At this point I don't know really how I feel. I know what I felt then and that was like finally my life is coming together and I get to be a family and raise a family. I will have more children. In which I did .. another 2 boys oh gosh:) And I will say that I think I finally got through to my husband and he realizes what's happening between him and I .. or I should say I hope he realizes, cause that could end up being another turning point hah. But ya, I definitely did not think my life would be where it is right now .. but it is.. so.. okay the last turning point that I can think of.
A bit over a year ago, Tom (my husband) found EDA Chatroom for me, that first day just sitting there over a meeting I didn't hardly say anything and I just sat and cried. It was the first time that I didn't feel alone. That someone actually got what I was thinking in my head. That even though everyone had these different stories, it all made sense in my mind. Now, ppl like my mother do not understand my thoughts, our thoughts. They just don't get it.
So it was wonderful to me to finally be able to get things out and to feel not judged or stupid for thinking that way. That I was accepted. So I thank all of you for all that you have done. I cherish the support! And just the fact that I can count on you when I need. Thank you:)
I would have to say the first in which I have explained to many of you is my house exploding with my brother, and parents inside. And the fact that even though it happened at 5 in the morning I still went to school that day. My sister did say something the other day that made me think more tho.. she said that mom probably just didn't know what to do and thought that would be the easiest thing for me is to do what I would have done if nothing happened. And I haven't really ever been mad at my parents for having me go to school, I honestly was more upset with the ppl at the school asking questions about my brother or even then the fact of my house because I didn't have the answers. But it was hard to lose everything and be living in a place that I never felt was my home. Then with that my brother and I grew very close over that time. (just to say I have 4 brothers and 1 sister) anyways..
The next changing point. It was a hard time but the aftermath I had a beautiful baby boy. I had received a scholarship for college to play volleyball and I did play my freshman yr. but that spring during practice I kept blacking out, so I went to the doctors to find out I was pregnant. Which to tell everyone was embarrassing. I didn't tell my parents right away, that's a story all in itself. But I went and lived with my sister that summer, and just to go to church and have ppl look down to see if I was wearing a ring was hard to take. To go back to college that fall and really everyone just thought I was fat at first to find out I was pregnant to say things .. But I need to take what was great about it .. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, I can't even describe how great it was that day. It hurt. I didn't want any meds and it hurt, but I would of never taken that back, the joy that I felt when I had him in my arms is indescribable.
Another turning point was then meeting my husband and getting married. At this point I don't know really how I feel. I know what I felt then and that was like finally my life is coming together and I get to be a family and raise a family. I will have more children. In which I did .. another 2 boys oh gosh:) And I will say that I think I finally got through to my husband and he realizes what's happening between him and I .. or I should say I hope he realizes, cause that could end up being another turning point hah. But ya, I definitely did not think my life would be where it is right now .. but it is.. so.. okay the last turning point that I can think of.
A bit over a year ago, Tom (my husband) found EDA Chatroom for me, that first day just sitting there over a meeting I didn't hardly say anything and I just sat and cried. It was the first time that I didn't feel alone. That someone actually got what I was thinking in my head. That even though everyone had these different stories, it all made sense in my mind. Now, ppl like my mother do not understand my thoughts, our thoughts. They just don't get it.
So it was wonderful to me to finally be able to get things out and to feel not judged or stupid for thinking that way. That I was accepted. So I thank all of you for all that you have done. I cherish the support! And just the fact that I can count on you when I need. Thank you:)
Week 34: Calm
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Week 33: Prized Possession
To be honest. All of the possessions that I have had or received or been rewarded whatever it was how I got them. I could careless about them.
I have a box filled of my medals I got from Basketball, Volleyball, and Track. (also plaques) And awhile ago I wanted to throw them away but Tom said I should keep them. Honestly all they do is bring me back to a life that I no longer live or have. If anything it brings me down because they remind me how I should have been 'more'. How I should have pushed that much harder or done something different. They don't make me feel proud.
I really don't know what my most prized possession would be. Mainly because too that means that I own it. I guess if there's anything that I would consider would be my personality. Not that's it's a great one or anything like that. But it is who I am. And I'm proud to be ME. I'm not right I'm not perfect by any means and I f*ck up a lot. But I am me. I'm true to who I am. And for that I would then say that's my most prized possession. You get what you see and if you don't like it then you can walk away. But it is what it is. I don't try to fool anyone, I just am who I am.
So ya.. that's my most prized possession. Me.
I have a box filled of my medals I got from Basketball, Volleyball, and Track. (also plaques) And awhile ago I wanted to throw them away but Tom said I should keep them. Honestly all they do is bring me back to a life that I no longer live or have. If anything it brings me down because they remind me how I should have been 'more'. How I should have pushed that much harder or done something different. They don't make me feel proud.
I really don't know what my most prized possession would be. Mainly because too that means that I own it. I guess if there's anything that I would consider would be my personality. Not that's it's a great one or anything like that. But it is who I am. And I'm proud to be ME. I'm not right I'm not perfect by any means and I f*ck up a lot. But I am me. I'm true to who I am. And for that I would then say that's my most prized possession. You get what you see and if you don't like it then you can walk away. But it is what it is. I don't try to fool anyone, I just am who I am.
So ya.. that's my most prized possession. Me.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Week 32: My dad
As for an Inspirational person, without it's my dad!
Now can I say that he didn't embarrass me growing up, oh hell ya he did. My parents were the 'old' parents. Everyone else parents were like in the late 30's maybe 40's but mine were pushing 50 and 60. So it was just like they were so old fashion and really annoying.
But my dad .. looking back now I'm amazed by him. He gave me so many aspects of myself that I am proud of that I look at him and just smile. He is a terrible hard worker. And he gets hurt a lot .. and when I say a lot I mean A LOT! But he always some how gets back up and continues again.
He also just puts himself out there. If you need help it doesn't matter who you are he'll help. My mother yelled at him for helping out certain ppl growing up. Mainly because they wouldn't be able to repay it back, but dad never cared. He'd just let mom go ranting and raving, usually just laugh or giggle but he still would help out those ppl. And that's something I've taken and ran with. Like just getting food for the homeless or giving them some money, and if they are just scamming me (which I do know some ppl do) well I'm doing something that is out of kindness, so fine go ahead and be an ass. I'm doing something that I should do.
My dad tho, he's really remarkable. I don't know how he does it. I've never understood a lot of it. Why he stood by my mom for so long (considering she's just a screaming bitch). How for years he works for 12+ hrs during the summer time. You can not keep that guy down. He'll be turning 79 here in a bit over a week and he broke 7 ribs, scratched his lung, and fractured part of his back, yet the guy is now trying to get like 'back on the horse'. There's nothing that can keep him down.
And he's not like overly emotional, but when he tells me he loves me I know it .. I feel it .. plus too he usually tears up. :)
I wished I was more like him and not so much like my mom. Or at least took on her reactions to things. I wished I would have saw more of how he reacted and been like that. But he was gone a lot working so ..
Well I love my daddy:) What can I say hah
Now can I say that he didn't embarrass me growing up, oh hell ya he did. My parents were the 'old' parents. Everyone else parents were like in the late 30's maybe 40's but mine were pushing 50 and 60. So it was just like they were so old fashion and really annoying.
But my dad .. looking back now I'm amazed by him. He gave me so many aspects of myself that I am proud of that I look at him and just smile. He is a terrible hard worker. And he gets hurt a lot .. and when I say a lot I mean A LOT! But he always some how gets back up and continues again.
He also just puts himself out there. If you need help it doesn't matter who you are he'll help. My mother yelled at him for helping out certain ppl growing up. Mainly because they wouldn't be able to repay it back, but dad never cared. He'd just let mom go ranting and raving, usually just laugh or giggle but he still would help out those ppl. And that's something I've taken and ran with. Like just getting food for the homeless or giving them some money, and if they are just scamming me (which I do know some ppl do) well I'm doing something that is out of kindness, so fine go ahead and be an ass. I'm doing something that I should do.
My dad tho, he's really remarkable. I don't know how he does it. I've never understood a lot of it. Why he stood by my mom for so long (considering she's just a screaming bitch). How for years he works for 12+ hrs during the summer time. You can not keep that guy down. He'll be turning 79 here in a bit over a week and he broke 7 ribs, scratched his lung, and fractured part of his back, yet the guy is now trying to get like 'back on the horse'. There's nothing that can keep him down.
And he's not like overly emotional, but when he tells me he loves me I know it .. I feel it .. plus too he usually tears up. :)
I wished I was more like him and not so much like my mom. Or at least took on her reactions to things. I wished I would have saw more of how he reacted and been like that. But he was gone a lot working so ..
Well I love my daddy:) What can I say hah
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